A
male
age
41-50,
*rshdmy75
writes: I have been with my wife for seven years. Through a lot of those years i was an alchoholic and addicted to pain pills and she was a "good girl" so to speak. She has always been there for me through all my screw ups... (trust me... i have had some doosies!) She has three boys (their father is not really in the picture... i am their "dad"). A couple years ago we had a baby boy together. I decided to straighten my act up and got help from the V.A. for my problems. I have been clean and sober for a year and a half now. We have always had communication problems, every time we would have a arguement she was done with me and would tell me to move out and proceed to tell me how bad a father, lover, husband.. ect i was. She can seem to everybody else to be the sweetest person in the world... but behind closed doors she can be vicious and cruel with words. (I personally attribute that to her upbringing). Of course i have my bad qualities also. On the flip side of the coin, she has always been a very loyal partner. I have never had a reason to doubt her until a couple months ago. We never were technically "married" although she always wanted to. About a year ago she started bartending full time with a girl that i have always been uncomfortable with her hanging around,but im not the type tell you who your friends can be. Looking back i can see where she started changing. About eight months ago she started introducing me as her "boyfriend" instead of "husband". In seven years she has never cared about her nails until about six months ago, she went and got these long nails done. She has never been the type to be overly concerned about her apperance. In August she suddenly was wearing alot of makeup, going to the gym, buying new bra and pantie sets and was going to work with her bra sticking out a little. To make a long story shorter... she admitted that there was a guy coming into her work that she was smitten with and she couldnt get him out of her system. She said she still loved me but wanted me to move out while she cleared her head. She actually said she felt like she was cheating on him with me! Even though she has not done anything with him. I told her it is natural to get a crush on somebody and it will go away... it has been a couple of months since then and i have been trying very hard to show her love, affection, patience and understanding.(I had not been giving her any of that for years... we both neglected each other emotionally for years and my side of the fence was pretty brown) She had told me the guy had left town and was out of the picture the first week of September. I just found out a few days ago that is not the case. She actually works with him and it is the one person that i had said it was when all this happened. In August we had a arguement and i slept on the couch...well she let be known at work that we broke up and i was sleeping on the couch and let people beleive it was an ongoing thing rather than the one night i did that. She has given this guy rides home from work.( he is a 30 yr old pothead who lives with his sister and plays video games) I have tried all i know to try to save my family... She admits i have been amazing the last couple months but she doesnt know if she is "in love with me". One minute i would swear she doesnt want me to leave and the next she will bring up me moving out for a while so she can get control of her life. I tell her i dont think i will be able to move out and then get back together. (I personally think that it will make the guilt easier on her if i do move out) She will be hard on herself one minute and then be defesive and justify things the next. I can almost feel the resentment building up inside me.... After seven years, when i am the best i have ever been, now is when she decides that shes not sure she wants to be with me.I did say tonight when she went to work i wanted to come up there and wanted her to give me a hug and kiss.... she will do that anywhere else but there because she doesnt want to give people at her work mixed signals and look like a floozy! That stings! I have never hurt so bad! I do understand the situation is part my fault also... I dont know... What do i do?
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female
reader, No watered down advice here! +, writes (31 October 2010):
 Yes, you certainly has cleared things up! And one of my Favorite lines is "YOU TEACH HOW TO TREAT YOU" Somewhere early on,in the beginning of that your relationship, "you" taught her it was ok for her to talk to in that way, Now maybe because of your drug problems you excepted those things. I'm in recovery as well, So I'm totally understanding this in it's entirety, However it's never too late for the teacher to re-appear! By,that,I'm saying rather you remain in that relationship with her or not! You start "not excepting that type of abuse starting today" If you was a woman! That advice would have give earlier! I owe you an apology myself for over looking the fact you are being verbally abused. It's not common for men to be verbally abused, by women, Well, not common for men to admit it! But thanks for making see this! You helped me today! And also I agree that maybe yes, she's going through mid-life crisis, but, I think she's still want to get married. Why are you avoiding that topic? IJS! No Watered Advice Here!
A
male
reader, crshdmy75 +, writes (31 October 2010):
crshdmy75 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionMaybe i should try to clarify a few things....the vicious and cruel with words part, what i mean by attribute to upbringing is her father was murdered when she was 5 ( weird thing...my father murdered two people when i was 5) so it was just her and her mother growing up.Her mother treated her like a sister and thats what they fight like...they can curse each other out, tell each other that they never want to see each other..say things to each other that would make a sailor blush...and the next day everything is alright....That is how it is with me. She will say the meanest things and tell me we are through over a disagreement over how to peel potatoes...I have told her for years that many times i want to cuddle or put my arm around her and i will remember that last night she was calling me a piece of s****. We have broken up twice for a few months and always seemed to gravitate back towards each other. She does say she loves me very much just doesnt know if she is in love with me. She is a very prideful person, hates to be wrong and will blame everything else but herself for something going wrong....After seven years i think i know her pretty well...i think she lost her head for a minute and got caught up with the "party crowd"...a mid life crisis thing? These new BFF's from work are all under 23, we are in our mid thirties. She screwed up and she knows she did, she says the crush was just lust. I guarantee if i move out a week later she will be finding reasons to come by..maybe not though. I tell her if i move out that is not happening...i think i will have to much resentment.I really think she is trying to figure out a way that saves the most "face". (It really bothered her at work when a friend that is promiscuous was talking mentioned that she had no room to talk...she couldnt stand being put in the same category.....hopefully i cleared things up a little.
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A
female
reader, No watered down advice here! +, writes (30 October 2010):
For most of that 7 years she put up with you! Don't you think that she deserve the ACTUAL title of WIFE? When that woman has stayed by your side through-out your drug and alcohol dependency problems?(As you have stated)AND She has her own unresolved issues stemming from childhood? "She can be vicious and cruel with words" "I PERSONALLY attribute that to her upbringing!" Those were YOUR WORDS!" That takes me back to the point I was making, She rather FIX you! THE MAN of the house, FIRST! Because IF THE HEAD OF THE HOUSEHOLD IS FIXED THEN EVERYTHING ELSE IN THE HOUSE WILL FALL IN PLACE!(She would then,be able to go be able to seek help for herself) AND, No!!.."GOOD GIRLS" Would NEVER leave their man while is he DOWN!That's why she waited to you got on your feet,before she introduced as her "BOYFRIEND". You did say she was a GOOD GIRL, Right? Moving right alone...And she now can go get a life of her own and not live as your MAKE BELIEVE WIFE! She want your REAL LAST NAME! IJS! No Watered Advice Here! And OH! BTW I'm Proud of you for getting and remaining Clean and SOBER you do KNOW it's ONE DAY AT A TIME! AND EASY DOES IT! If you don't stand up and be that real man somebody else will!BUT, She's screaming out to you! She's telling you HONEY MARRY ME I DESERVE IT!
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A
male
reader, Cerberus_Raphael  +, writes (30 October 2010):
 This relationship is over. I am truly sorry but you have to face facts. From my point of view, from what you have told me, this relationship and whatever you two used to have just vanished. She even said that she feels as though she is being unfaithful to HIM, not you and that shows that she feels more attached to him than she is to you. I will not sugar coat facts but, you did not enter this relationship at your best. You said it yourself, there was very little affection and people tend to remember the bad and think the good is but a fleeting period of time. You two can be friends but, if she does not love you, there is little else you can do. You have already done your best and she acknowledged that but, it was not enough. I am afraid, you will just have to move on.
I hope that helps.
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