A
male
age
51-59,
*izeQuestions
writes:My question involved my wife's contact with a boyfriend she had 25 years ago. Recently, my wife noticed that her past boyfriend was divorced. She admitted to sending him an email regarding his recent divorce. At the time she seemed excited but stated that he was emotionally lacking in the past and, as she put it, he still is emotionally lacking. I am not sure if she said this for my benefit but it seemed like more to convince herself.About 10 years ago I found out she was emailing him. When I confronted her she said it had stopped because his wife got upset. My wife's sister also asked her why she would ever email him and was upset that she had done this.This does not seem normal to me, my wife continuing to contact her old boyfriend. This last time has caused me to really want to get out of the marriage. There is obviously something to this otherwise why would she keep going back, even on an emotional level. Anyone have thought on this?
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reader, SizeQuestions +, writes (16 November 2011):
SizeQuestions is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOne thing I have noticed about my wife is that she goes back to those that didn't treat her well. This guy she emails basically dropped her and married another woman within 6 months.
This is the third man she has taken similar action. The first two were early in our marriage where she actually met them in person and I discounted the situations. Both of these prior incidents were with men that treated her like garbage. This is the confusing part for me.
Another time she ran into a guy than never gave her a second look or thought yet she was so complimentary to him, saying how hot he was.
I have treated her great and thought we had a good thing but she seems to have a thing for men that disregard her. I am not sure why she would be attracted to them. Why would she ever voice such praise of a man that essentially ignored her.
She claims no man has treated her as great as I have and that our sex life is better than she has ever had, Yet she keeps going back, or showing regard for, those that treated her the worst.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 November 2011):
My wife was recently contacted by a guy she dated 20 years ago for about three months. The breakup was very ugly for reasons I do not understand, but I think he professed his love for her and she saw him as a drunken mistake with a friend. I do know (I just met her at the tail end) that she was not very nice to him and he was devastated.
He is now married with two kids. My wife hid the contact from me, but I found out about it. They were calling each other and even made plans to meet. Worse, she never told him she was married. When I confronted her, she said he is (physically) "gross" and "a nice guy" who "was a friend". I told her that sleeping with him made him more than a friend. She said it was just "a few times when we were drunk."
To me this is a dealbreaker and I told her as much. I know he has tried to contact her again since, but if I ever catch her responding with anything other than "Sorry, but this is not appropriate" I will leave.
People, women especially, like to feel they are still desirable. They like to be seen in the eyes of people who knew them when they were younger and prettier and still remember them that way. It's an ego boost. It's an ego boost that won't come at my expense and I suggest not at yours. I find it wholly inappropriate. I hated the guy 20 years ago, but finally got over it. Now I am competing with him again? My wife would say I am not, but I am. I am even spending time on it relaying the story to you. No. It's a threat to the relationship, it brings up bad memories, and it was 20 years ago. If my wife wants to feel hot again then let's get dressed up and go out and she can have a strange guy look her up and down. I don't need an ex-lover in the picture.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 November 2011): Seems like your wife WANTS to be in his life: shes always the one to make contact with him even when he was married. While he was married she disrespected boundaries and kept in contact. Now that hes divorced shes ecxited again. WHY? Why does she have a need for him? What does she get from him that u are not providing her? Why does she want him in her life at the expense of her hb and marriage? Bec shes always pined for him? Bec hes the one who got away? Whatever the reason, i find that your wife has no respect for u as her hb. She goes out of her way to be in contact with him. Is it bec she actually prefers him to u? Did she just settle for u but always dreamed of being with him? After 25 years i would hope that u come first but sadly this is not the case. Is she now thinking of the possibilities now that hes divorced?U need to be firm: Tell her its either u or him. And dont settle for anything less. After 25 years u have a right to dictate to her your unhappiness at her continous contact. LoveGirl
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A
female
reader, tennisstar88 +, writes (16 November 2011):
 Besides this, how is your marriage otherwise? Have you always questioned the trust with her? Any other incidents of this nature?
How much does she email him? I mean if she's constantly on the internet talking to him and neglecting time spent with you, then I can see your point.
Before you throw out the divorce card, you have no evidence she's having an affair. She's in contact with an old flame from 25 YEARS ago. People and feelings change. So I doubt there's any conjuring up old feelings when they're both married. Maybe laughing about the good old times, but there's no picking back where they left off.
Since it makes you upset, the only other thing you can do is to ask her to stop contacting him because you're not comfortable with it. Then again if you do that, you might as well say you don't trust her. Thus causing some tension in the marriage. Plus, she might not honor her request.
Communicate your feelings about this matter with your wife, if she chooses to dismiss your request then you may want to seek marriage counseling. If not, and you're ready to check out of this marriage, then proceed on.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (16 November 2011):
 I'm guessing it's one of those, curiosity and "what ifs" she is going through. She is getting something out of the contact or she wouldn't do it.Either it's a boost for her to know that he failed at marriage (like he failed at the relationship with her) or she is reliving the "golden" days.
Personally, I think having contact with an ex can be just fine, as long as there is no intimate sharing or bonding going on. I still e-mail my ex from 20 years ago, maybe 1 or 2 times a year, we kind of catch up. There is no conversations going on that my husband can't read though. My husband also keeps in touch with his ex-wife, though theirs is rather more frequent them mine, I see nothing bad in it er say.
I think you need to tell her how it makes you feel. Seems like you really don't trust her when it comes to the ex. Has she ever given you reasons not to trust her? How often to they "talk"?
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (16 November 2011):
 Only your wife knows her reasons as to why she is doing this. I guess she still cares about him, but how deep that goes I really do not know. It is obviously worrying you very much, and I don't blame you. But you need to have this out with her and just tell her how you are feeling. Tell her you are considering even leaving her because it is making you insecure. If she loves you well then she will prove to you that you are the man for her. You need to be truthful with her and ask her to do the same for you.
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