A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:2 years ago my wife confessed to sleeping with my former bestfriend before we where married. Since then she has being a good wife and mother.am still not over the pain and i constantly ignore her. She said she regrets her actions.she was my first sex partner well i gues she lied about me being her first also.
View related questions:
best friend Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (26 July 2010):
I would suggest that if there is any chance of you forgiving her, try to. Your children would benefit more if you could both work through this. Clearly though, if you can't forgive her, you need to end it. But I think though she cheated wit your best friend and did a really crap thing (and it is that crap), it might be worth working on it before throwing the towel in.
A
male
reader, Serpico  +, writes (24 July 2010):
Cheated on you w your best friend? Sounds like a real gem. Maybe you should take her back to see if she'll sleep w your brother and father for the trifecta.
...............................
A
female
reader, Oregongrl1 +, writes (24 July 2010):
The only thing i can say is you can either forgive in your heart or you can't? and that is the truth.
Good Luck!
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (23 July 2010): I agree with adifferentperspective that she deserves to be left over this for a while. (I would never come back but that's just me.)
But I don't agree about the public perception of you leaving her. In my experience most women wont hold it against her. They will just call you insecure because you cared at all.
Most people are pretty intolerant of other sexual values than their own. If your beliefs don't match theirs then it must be due to your inferiority. Be prepared for this reaction.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 July 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionshe slept with him during our dating years, while we where dating.you right i wont stoop to her level of sleeping with her friend
...............................
A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (23 July 2010):
With your original post, and with your correction, I'd say this is a very big deal. But it requires logic thought and I need the answer to one more question. Did she actually cheat? Or was it before you were dating.
And to make this point clear, sleeping with her friend or cheating at all will not make this better. It will make it worse and just lower you.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 July 2010): Did you know about this before you married her? This will have a large bearing on the issue.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (23 July 2010): We see a lot of these questions here these days. My opinion rarely changes.1) Is it the sex that is the problem?2) Is the lie that's the problem?If it is 1) then you have to just put up with it, everyone has a past. If it is 2) then I absolutely understand how this can seriously damage or jeopardise a relationship and if often amazes me how many female aunts on here tend to say "get over it". I'm sorry, but for a successful marriage/partnership there has to be TRUST and RESPECT. Once they are gone, it takes a lot of effort to get them back and it is inevitable that the 'upset' partner is going to wonder what else their other half has lied to them about. That's perfectly natural.Usually, it's a question of "don't ask about previous sexual encounters if you might not like the answer" but if you are asked you must answer truthfully. Particularly with STDs being so prevalent. Values are important in a relationship too, and if one partner is very against casual sex and the other has no problem with it and slept around, it suggests incompatibility that will cause problems later on.In this instance, the OP didn't ask, his wife was forced into a position of owning up. How much less painful for her as well as him to have been honest and open up front.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 July 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionpoint of correction, she told me this after we got married not before. We dated for 3 years and she asked me if i was a virgin i told her the truth.but she chose to lie, does a few good deeds justify the wrong mates? I dont think i love her any more, my former bestfriend have the same circle of friends so every1 knws. If i sleep with her friend will it make better?
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (23 July 2010): She was VERY wrong to lie to you. VERY wrong.
She told you this two years ago?
Giving it more time will not heal the hurt you feel over this. You need to either find a way to deal with it or get used to feeling like this for the rest of your life with her.
...............................
A
male
reader, Odds +, writes (23 July 2010):
 You're completely justified here. Retroactive jealousy is normal, and a sign of a healthy mind (no cuckold fetish for you!). It's a biological instinct, evolved over thousands of years, as a defense mechanism against later infidelity.
That said, her past is basically meaningless here. She was not a slut, so the focus ought to be on her lie, not her sex life. Did she literally lie to you about her past, or did you just assume she was a virgin? (Note: never assume a modern woman is a virgin after 16) If she lied outright, then sh seriously screwed up; otherwise, it falls under the list of "things that are awkward to ask about but you probably should have anyway."
if she really regrets her actions, she'll help you work through it. I don't know if she' done that over the past two years, but at this point, if you haven't accepted it or left her for good, you probably owe her an apology. Concentrate on the good things she brings to the marriage.
The important thing is that, while your reactions to your emotions might not always be alright, your emotions themselves are completely valid. Accept them, experience them, and then get past them. I'm sure your wife is a good one, and worthy of opening up to again.
...............................
A
female
reader, Oregongrl1 +, writes (23 July 2010):
At least she confessed to you before ya'll got married! and you still married her knowing? now you are having issues w/ it. i don't think that it's fair to her i mean that would of been your exit but instead you choose to get married and later harp on her! you forgave her once you put that ring on her finger. and that was your choice! if it wer'e me i would be furious.
Good Luck!
...............................
A
female
reader, Moo's Mum  +, writes (23 July 2010):
 I'm presuming you guys were not together when this happened? If you weren't then your jealously over this is unfounded since she did nothing wrong. I do understand why you are feeling like this but you need to put it out of your head once and for all or you will seriously harm your marriage. You need to make a conscious decision to not think about this anymore. Every time you think about it replace that thought with another positive one about your marriage. Eventually you will not need to remind yourself to do this because you will not think about it. Your wife is still the same great person she was when you married her so keep in mind what made you love her in the first place.
Good luck my friend if you work at this you will be aok.
...............................
A
female
reader, johannabanana +, writes (23 July 2010):
 She made a mistake a long time ago. I think you should just let go of it... and don't ignore her or she will only feel un-loved by you and if you make her feel like that all the time you will eventually just chase her away.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 July 2010): I dont think its a big deal, it was before you were married. Is she cheating on you now? I dont think that you should ignore her, if its bothering you, talk to her and let her know how you feel and vice versa. If you love her and you have children together I dont think you should be worrying about something that happened a long time ago. I wish you guys the best of luck
...............................
|
