A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hello there. I've just found out my wife of 5 years has been cheating on me with my dad and is moving in with him soon. She admitted the affair's gone on since August, and that she wants him to be stepdad to our 8-year-old son.I'm Swedish, my wife's Italian, but been here since she was 21 and a student. We've been together for 8 years in total. Met in early 2013.She's told me that they've had feelings for each other since Christmas two years ago, and that it's mutual.She said to me that I was "too safe, too dependable" and that my dad seemed more fun by comparison.But I'm not boring. I got hobbies. I'm good at cookery. I enjoy dinner parties. I like visiting new towns and cities. I'm good at fixing old Volvo and Ford cars. I fixed an elderly neighbour's old Ford Escort for her which she couldn't afford to do. Did it for free because she wanted to use it again.I own a classic Volvo from the 1980s which I take to classic car shows, restored it over 4 years. Well, I did pre-pandemic until things shut down.I feel angry. Sick.I'm now questioning the whole relationship I've got with my dad. I thought I had a good relationship and he does this?Is he mentally ill? Sick? Or sick in the other sense disturbed, twisted. Is he a psychopath?I live in a small but pleasant town, hardly a village but not a major city like Stockholm. Just a town, really.But in all honesty I had considered living in Stockholm.I don't know how to cope.At least I can be a good dad to my son. But I won't let her take him to move in with my dad.My dad can't be stepdad to my son, won't that ruin my son mentally even though he's 8? If such a thing did happen? What would it really be like for my son if his grandad was his stepdad?I'm angry. Not sure how to cope.She's insistent it's the right thing to do.Before now I suspected nothing. Our relationship seemed normal.I did my share of the parenting, even the unpleasant and mundane things.But I didn't know my wife would be cheating on me with my dad.She's told me that I've no choice in the matter and he will live with her and my dad, and my dad's given my mum 14 days to move out.I think I found a smoking gun in our emails; my wife sent dad pictures of her in a bikini. It basically kept saying how sexy she was and how I was, basically, an oaf.But I'm not an oaf. I'm educated. I live comfortably and have a small group of friends.I'm worried about my future. Not job security, as my job security is good. But my family security.I feel like going no contact with my dad.I worry about my future. Seeking help from everyone here.I do speak good English. But sorry it sounds broken. Trying to get everything out.How should I deal with this situation and betrayal?
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female
reader, RitaBrown  +, writes (26 May 2022):
Get a lawyer now. Even in a progressive country like Sweden courts will recognise that a situation like this can totally fuck a kid up for life.
Get therapy or counselling for yourself and your kid.
Move away with your kid and start over. Doesn't have to be Stockholm. You could move to another city like Trollhattan.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 May 2022): Sir, I offer you my deepest sympathies; and I wish what happened to you was something that I've never heard of before, but it's not.
First-off, cheating has no justifications or rationale. People just find each-other sexually-attracted to each-other, and it goes from there. It's more lust than love. You haven't done anything wrong, and your wife had to give a lame excuse to explain her raunchy disgusting relationship with your father. They are apparently two of a kind; and being boring has nothing to do with what they're doing. They are adulterers and cheaters and just leave it at that.
I don't think your child should be exposed to this kind of mess; and you should get yourself a good lawyer, and work this divorce out to your own advantage. If you feel you should have custody of your child; then fight for it. Your kid should not be dragged into this weird arrangement between two people who have no moral compass; and just up and decided to turn two marriages upside down, because they want to hump each-other. Let them, but you and your mother shouldn't suffer for their immoral and egregious actions.
Your wife probably used you for whatever reasons; and now she wants out of the marriage she wrangled herself into. Your father is a pig, and man of the lowest most contemptable type. To dive so low as to covet his own son's wife, and to destroy his marriage; but he's not solely to blame. She willingly conspired to destroy two marriages; so they are solely responsible for all that has happened. It has nothing to do with how interesting or well-rounded you are. You made a bad choice for a wife, that's all you can take the blame for.
You have pull yourself together, and fight for your kid. Let those two live their live-porn show minus your kid. Once a judge gets the details of this reality TV show from hell; they won't appear to offer the greatest environment to raise a child, and they don't get to make all the decisions about who gets what and whom goes where. It's not that simple.
See she gets as little from you as possible, and let your father take responsibility for her needs and financial support. As for the child, I wouldn't let them drag her into their disgusting affair; it would be better she be with her father, who would offer her a healthier and more stable home environment. Let the swingers have each-other, and you raise your kid to be a decent woman who knows boundaries.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 May 2022): OMG.
I feel for you.
This is SO SO bad.
Your father is incredibly selfish.
I don't even want to talk about your soon to be ex.
THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT.
If your wife hadn't been happy with you because "you're too dependable", she should have left. But I think that she used you, because she liked having a safe place that you have provided.
Your father SHOULD HAVE NEVER acted on his feelings for your wife. I understand that he had liked her. Not his fault. Everything else is.
They both ruined your family.
I cannot say how this will influence your son and what Swedish laws are in this regard.
Yoou have the right to feel angru, betrayed... just know this: these feelings are hurting you. And so does hate.
If I were you I would get a good lawyer and a good therapist. They can bpth offer good advice on how to deal with this. Especially when it comes to your son.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 May 2022): Is your wife keen on classic cars? I ask because my partner is very much into them and collects them and runs the local classic car club. They raised about £11,000 yesterday with one of their regular events, for charity. He can talk the hind legs off a donkey and when he gets together with the other enthusiasts it can go on for hours. He has also taken a car apart and put it back together, repairing them and diagnosing them better than many specialist mechanics. But that does not make him interesting in my eyes - it's boring, very boring to me.
You say you go on holidays etc, so what? Most people do.
That does not make you exciting.
Your wife does not have to explain why she finds another man more exciting than you. It could be simple chemistry, it could be that you have outworn your attraction over the years and this older guy hits the spot, he might have just happened to be in the right place at the right time when she was feeling bored. You won't change any of that.
Presumably you find her attractive, if you do why wouldnt a much older man?!
You need to come to a compromise regarding the son, but the rest will go the way they both want it to.
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