A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I don't know what to do. I just found out from one of my wife's girlfriends that she cheated on me while we were engaged. We just got married 1 1/2 years ago.While we were engaged, I applied for and got a great job, I had to travel a few times in the first 2 months for training and seminars. One of those trips, my wife (still fiancee at that time) asked if I would mind if she and a different girlfriend went out because I wouldn't be back home until the weekend. I figured sure, why not, girls night out, have a few drinks and talk about all the stuff guys don't want to hear or talk about.Well, this girlfriend kind of accidentally told me that my wife and this other girlfriend actually went out on a double date with 2 guys. This was never discussed and I would never have agreed to that (needless to say).I confronted my wife, and she said she was kind of put on the spot to go on this date because that girlfriend had a steady boyfriend and they already had plans so this gf fixed my wife up with a date. My wife insists that it was 'mostly innocent', she claims she doesn't even really remember the date, but she swears she didn't sleep with him. But the other gf who let slip to me about this date mentioned that they went out to this private lake and spent most of the night in a car. My wife and her 'date' in the backseat, the other gf and her bf fooling around in the front seat. What do I do? I feel angry, deceived, jealeous, and who knows what else. I am ready to kill her and look up this guy and kill him, but my wife still claims she doesn't even know his name and she didn't sleep with him. She won't deny though that she didn't kiss him or fool around with him, she just keeps saying she doesn't remember.This isn't what I though marriage was about. I'm about ready to bail. I know if we were married at that time, it would be adultery, and I would win bigtime in a divorce, but since we were engaged at the time, it's still cheating, but I guess not legal adultery. Do I just leave? Make her leave? Continue badgering her until I get the whole truth? Help. I'm so angry and hurt and confused.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (4 November 2011): "Well, this girlfriend kind of accidentally told me that my wife and this other girlfriend actually went out on a double date with 2 guys."This was no accident. Keep that in mind. There is a lot more to this story than you have been told by anyone. She let this slip because it is a group "secret" that is being held from you and she is not cool with it psychologically. It may not have been intentional, but it's been on her mind."I confronted my wife"Good, but this is where the lying continues. She's been lying to you for a couple of years, and isn't going to come clean on this right away."she said she was kind of put on the spot to go on this date because that girlfriend had a steady boyfriend and they already had plans so this gf fixed my wife up with a date."This is utter BS, you know it, she knows it. She wasn't on the spot, they were on the make and she let it happen. Question is "why" and "what happened" and that is hard to get out of people."My wife insists that it was 'mostly innocent'""she claims she doesn't even really remember the date, but she swears she didn't sleep with him"If she can't remember, then she was intoxicated and can't remember, but if she was then she could have done way more than "sleep", and she wouldn't remember, but more likely than not this is all just more lies. First rule of affairs or infidelities is to lie, lie when they happen, lie after they happen, lie when caught, lie, lie, and lie. It is what essentially every single person who does this does."But the other gf who let slip to me about this date mentioned that they went out to this private lake and spent most of the night in a car. My wife and her 'date' in the backseat, the other gf and her bf fooling around in the front seat."Ask around, find out who the guy was, ask for answers, and then figure out what you need to do.First though, stop the "kill talk", people end up in jail for that kind of thing.Don't assume to much at first, there is a lot you don't know.By the way, I was married for several years and my wife had an affair, and she cannot remember most of it. She does remember the sexual interactions, but can't remember talking to the guy or how it came to be. Why? Alcohol and prescription drugs mixed (antidepressant that you are not supposed to drink while taking) and she just went crazy one night while I was at work. There are situations that can trigger these events, dissociative events is what they are called, and memory is highly compromised. If your wife has any history of abuse or substance use or was on any prescription drugs, be aware that this can happen and she may have no memory of things.Also, either get a counselor, and go with her, or get a divorce. These things are multi-year healing processes under the best of situations, and you will need professional help or you will go freaking nuts.
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (4 November 2011):
 I call BS on her not remembering. You need to sit her down and tell her you need to know the truth. Hopefully she will respect you enough to give it to you.
Also, I guess YOU need to decide if this is something you can live with, forgive and move past or not.
I'm thinking the more open she is about the truth the "easier" that decision will be.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 November 2011): Saying she does n`t remember is better than telling the truth. She probably wishes she does n`t remember maybe. If I was to bet money,I would bet she cheated. I do not say it without knowing I could be wrong,but there is something she wont tell you. Forgiveness needs to know what it has to forgive and the longer she keeps it from you more negatives will build. You deserve to know.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (4 November 2011): Of course she remembers. She decieved you. Its now got to the stage where you dont have to prove her guilt,its her that has to prove her innocence. I cant remember is an insult to your inteligence. Ask her if its best to be equal and allow you to do the same just once to even it out or whether you should break up. All should be equal.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 November 2011): The first anon has it exactly right. Read that over twice.
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A
male
reader, C. Grant  +, writes (3 November 2011):
 You are in a tough spot with this. If you're engaged, then you have reason to expect that she won't fool around with another guy, whether or not it went all the way to intercourse. What you're feeling is completely understandable.
You haven't said whether she claims that she was drunk. She "doesn't remember the date" but is sure she didn't sleep with him? Hmmm.
What not to do: don't kill her. Don't kill him. Don't badger her until you get the "whole truth".
What to do: recognize that you're not going to come out of this with a 100% win, whatever happens. The damage is done. If you decide this is a deal-breaker you're going to be left hurt and angry. If you decide to work it out clearly you're going to take a while before you can trust again.
I don't of course know what went on before you were engaged. Were you one of very few committed relationships she ever had? Lots of people go a bit nuts before they're married -- last chance to deal with those wild oats. I know more than one guy who had strippers at his stag were things got out of hand. I had a good gal friend in school who was dating a much older guy for quite a while, and sleeping around on him quite a bit -- they're coming up on their 30th wedding anniversary.
You have to decide whether your married life has been successful enough that you want to try to work through this. Relationships can get past these things, but the forgiveness has to be genuine.
Let her know in as dispassionate a way as possible exactly how you are feeling and what you're contemplating doing from here. Her responses will give you a good idea of your next steps.
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A
female
reader, Impartial_Opinion  +, writes (3 November 2011):
Yes, badger her until she tells you the truth and if she doesn't then leave. If she won't be honest about what happened then the doubt will always be lurking in the back of your mind. If you don't get the truth you will not be able to draw a line in the sand, accept what happened has happened and move onwards. You sound like a good guy, just make sure she treats you like one.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 November 2011): Hey, look! Deal with it.
Maybe she was not sure that you would marry her. Maybe the guy was a "possibility" in place of you.
MAYBE she actually feels very badly about it.
Hey, there is a thing call "forgiveness" and maybe, if she has not been out on any other escapades, it is best to say, "okay, this is it. Promise --- no more of this shit! Let's have a life together. Let's reaffirm our relationship. Let's stay together."
If you love her and she loves you, don't hurt her!
Deal with it! And get on with life!
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