A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:HI,I have been married for 10 years and have 3 kids. My wife and I argue from time to time (I would say it is fairly normal) but thereis no abuse of any kind. I would desribe us as upper middle class and our kids are really great and they mean the world to both of us. They are all under 9 years old.I am a great dad (my wife would gladly admit that) and a great provider. I am not an alcohlic, druggie, abusive, etc etc. The same can be said about my wife in her role. We both get along with our in laws and have mutual friends that we both enjoy very much.The problem is that over the past several years, our sex life has gone way downhill (sex once every two moths or so) and my wife feels I am not meeting her needs as a woman (not talking about when we have sex - when we finally do it is fine), but not noticing things like a haircut, new clothes, etc. She also handles most of the burden with the kids activities, etc and feel that I don't listen to what she says at all. It has gotten to the point where she says she wants to stay together for the kids but that is it. I do think I have room for improvement when it comes to sensitiviy (I have neve been very good at it), but have gotten to the point where I feel she is not able to compromise on anythign any more - if I even disagree with any idea she has she gets really mad and it starts an argument.I sometimes think we are not a good fit - I am not saying it is anyones fault, but think we are just not a good fit together and wonder if we woud be happier with others that are more like we each of us. I think that my be the case. If we had no kids I think we may have seperated - but they are the glue tht keeps us together. I am lost - love my kids and we have good times as a family but my wife and I are more like roomates and it hasn't gotten any better in a coupe of years. What do I do? Do we stay together for 15 more years for our kids? Maybe the stress of 3 young kids and having virtually no time to ourselves is part of the issue? Or do we deserve other people who are more like we are as individuals? Please help.
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female
reader, Jen1689 +, writes (27 September 2010):
 It sounds like you have made a very good life for yourself and your family. I would definitely listen to the advice that Ven gave. Marriages have fallen apart over a lot worse. If you are both convincing yourself that this is the worst it can get before you let it fall apart, then that's what it's going to be. Perhaps you should try marriage counseling. If it's not for you, then simply TALK to her about these issues.
Marriages aren't supposed to stick with the honeymoon phase until the partners die. Life sets in: bills, work, kids, stress, aging, etc. Things change from when you're young and are going through all of your "firsts" as a couple. Having your first child was probably one of the most happy moments of your life. Even having your second and third was probably up there on your list. Buying a house was probably a big step and was somewhat exciting for the two of you. But now, what do you have to explore? Day-to-day life? It gets boring. So of course it's not going to give you that rush that you had even five years into your relationship. As a society, we like new, we like drama, and we like not knowing. Why do you think some people stay in mentally or emotionally abusive relationships for so long? It keeps them on their toes and lets them escape the "day-to-day" humdrum life that we hate so much.
Take a step back. Look at your marriage from an outsider's prospective. You rarely fight, you're well off, you have three beautiful children--what some wouldn't give to be in your shoes. As far as the sex goes, try to set time aside for the two of you. If she claims that she's tired, unwilling, etc., woo her or seduce her. Buy her a cute little outfit and tell you you think it'd look great on her. With age, EVERY woman's self-esteem is going to crumble. You have to realize this. We compare ourselves to what we once were, to what we will be, and to every other woman on the planet, young and old. Your wife probably doesn't feel attractive anymore. Give her money to have a spa day for herself. She'll come home feeling lightyears better. Kiss her randomly and tell her she's beautiful, and that sometimes you forget to mention it.
I could go on and on, but none of this is worth it if you're not wanting to try anymore at your marriage. Plain and simple.
A
female
reader, DenimandLace44 +, writes (27 September 2010):
 I agree with anon. You both need to change. This marriage has potential to be renewed. I recommend counseling. If after you do not find a way to make this work, then reconsider leaving. As too couple time, it is the best thing we ever did for our marriage. Date night is a MUST in my opinion. (we go once a month) Sometimes it is only a casual night, fast food and a movie. Others it is dressing up and out for a nice dinner. Then there is the occasional (a couple times a year) night away. A dinner, a room (hot tub is nice) and a relaxed night with no interuptions :D. The planning and anticipation is half the fun. Every couple with a young family goes thru this hard place I think. You lose the couple feeling, and the romance. You have to work hard to keep/restore it. That is why so many couples split when the kids leave home. They have not nourished the couple, and when the kids leave they are left alone with a stranger. The choice is yours and the time is now. Good luck in whatever you decide.
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (27 September 2010):
 I would suggest that maybe you'se went to marriage councelling, dont just give up on your marriage maybe both of you just need a little help, and a marriage councellor is there for this reason, work on it, but dont use the children as an excuse to stay together as you will end up resenting one another down the line, if you're seperate it doesnt mean that the kids wont be loved by two parents and im sure if it does happen that you and your wife can be amicable for the childrens sake. Good luck.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (27 September 2010): Your situation is fairly common. I've been through it myself. Basically you are both feeling trapped by the other spouse when in fact it's just a lack of quality time working on your relationship. Give her and one of her friends a trip to the spa so she can get away from the kids for a day and claer her head send the kids to grandmas house and sit her down and have a talk about how she feels and what she would like to see change.
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 September 2010): Hey pal!
I dont have kids but have been in the kids position obviously and Ive seen the stress it can cause parents. Your kids are young, still need guidance, and depend on you. All normal. However, it is also normal to be stressed like you and your wife. It sounds like you guys have an overall healthy relationship and need some time to relax and have a little alone time so you can focus on each other for a bit and enjoy some intimacy. A weekend getaway may need to be in line here. Find a babysitter, or relative to watch your kids. Take the initiative (women love this and you know it lol) and plan a weekend or some time off with her. Just you and her maybe at a bed n breakfast somewhere, or a close drive but far enough where you feel away from your home so u can feel at ease. Screw all that crap about encountering your problems when you come back. Relaxing, pamperng yourself, and your wife, and enjoying time can help the mind refocus so when you come back home you can conquer the things bothering you. You will be happy, less tense, and this will rub off on your kids as well as parents can def influence kids behaviors and thus perhaps make it easy for all of you. For myself, Im a single guy, I work hard. Two months ago I spent a damn fine penny in Dubai to relax, to have fun, and so when I came back to work and prepare for some other mental things, I was focused and ready to do business. Good luck :)
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A
male
reader, Ven +, writes (27 September 2010):
First, take a look at some of the highlights of your post, and address them one at a time:- Sex life has gone way downhill.After you hit about 25, your sex life is going to go downhill. When you get married, your sex life is going to go downhill. When you have a kid (or 3), your sex life is going to go downhill. Sex is great, but it is a byproduct of a good marriage and not the other way around.- not noticing things like a haircut, new clothes, etc.She makes changes to her appearance (which logically speaking she does for you), and feels you do not notice. After having kids, a woman needs to hear from her man on a constant and daily basis that she is attractive. She will forgive you missing a new blouse if you are telling her you think she is pretty. Keep in mind that, for a good long time after you start complimenting her, she isn't going to believe you. Her self-esteem is most likely lower than even you think it is, and she will assume an ulterior motive. Your best bet is to try and get sincere compliments to her as often as possible (multiple times a day).Your best bet in this is to notice when she makes changes to her appearance, because those compliments will sound the most sincere.- She handles most of the burden with the kids activities, etcDoes she feel that way? I know moms who love juggling their kids' lives, and I know moms who dream of a supportive husband to pick up their slack. Do you know which mom your wife is?If she wants/needs help, it is in your marriage's best interest for you to caffeinate yourself and get to work.- feels that I don't listen to what she says at all.So do you? You didn't really give us your opinion on some of this stuff so I only have this to go on, but she is going to give up if she can't get through to you. You have to react to this as though you aren't listening, even if you are. Start listening more. - I do think I have room for improvement when it comes to sensitivity.Then improve. I don't wish to sound harsh in any way, but the best thing anybody can do for their marriage is to stop passing over their own shortcomings. Save that nonsense for her flaws, and get on track to constantly improve yourself. As you work your personal issues out, both of you will start to see more clearly where real problems lie between you two. It will also help her see her own flaws more clearly, but you have to suck it up and make the first move.Think of it this way: if she has started to give up on you, there is no way you will ever be able to talk her into changing anything about herself. You have to bring her around through your actions, by showing her exactly how important she is to you. Not the kids, not the family, and not the "marriage," but her.- I feel she is not able to compromise on anything any more. - If I even disagree with any idea she has she gets really mad and it starts an argument.She is frustrated. She doesn't want to fight, but she has reached a point where she feels like you aren't the teammate she thought you would be. So instead of open discussion about things, she goes it alone. By the time she talks to you about an issue she has already gone through the whole decision-making process in her head, and reached a conclusion. She accepts that conclusion as the way things need to be. When you disagree, she sees you as dead weight holding back progress she wants to make.You should take some time and read up on non-hostile discussion techniques. At the same time, you need to show her that you are listening, being sensitive, and trying to work on her team. Until you do all three, don't damage the relationship further by arguing endlessly.- I sometimes think we are not a good fit - I am not saying it is anyone fault, but think we are just not a good fit together and wonder if we would be happier with others that are more like we each of us.Again, no intent to offend, but my opinion is that your statement here is a load of crap. Everybody sometimes thinks they are a bad fit, everybody wonders if someone else could make them happier. But the harsh reality is that bad times fall upon every marriage, and therefore you can't decide compatibility based on the troubles you have.Do the work. Get things together. Reach a point where both of you are teammates, are working together, and can communicate with each other. Then you can sit and talk with each other about how good a fit the two of you are.- If we had no kids I think we may have separated.Possible. Perhaps your kids keep you together in the midst of this trouble. Or perhaps they would have split you had you not yet been married. But asking "What if?" isn't going to help you now. You HAVE kids, you ARE married. You can either try and fix what you have, suffer needlessly in determination to not change or grow or learn anything about each other and yourselves, or you can work to make the best of something you have invested years in.Lastly, if forum advice doesn't get you where you want to be, consider counseling. A very wise man once told me, "Nothing helps you get your SH** together quickly like paying someone else 150 dollars per hour to talk you through it."
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 September 2010): If I were in your situation, I wouldn't stay together for the kids, because I don't think it's necessarily a good environment for the kids in the long run. I think their parents should be role models of a good, healthy, loving relationship, and you're not that if you're in an unhappy marriage.All that said, it sounds like you and your wife have the basis for what could be a great marriage! There are so many people out there that have a zillion more complaints, don't get along, fight all the time, etc. etc. etc.Maybe a little marriage counseling would help? Maybe, since you admit you're not the sensitive type, if you really want it to work, you could try to change a bit? I say this knowing that the only person you can change is yourself and your wife obviously wants to change you, but your wife isn't posting on this board, you are. If you want to change, you can. Contrary to popular belief, change doesn't take long - it's deciding to make a change that takes us so long - once that decision is made, bam, you get to be different!Also, yes, I think the stress of family life can be part of the issue. We have to carve time out for ourselves as individuals and then time for our love life/spouse relationship.Finally, as a women, I'll tell you that I want to be appreciated. I think my guy does, too. I think all people do. When we don't, we feel sort of useless and just not good about ourselves.
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