A
female
age
,
*onely, Confused, Hating it
writes:Hi!I have been married 29 years, but unhappily most of the last 15. I have seriously tried to leave him twice, but once I let him talk me out of it, and the last time, for some reason, I talked myself out of it. I don't hate my husband, but have so many issues with living with him. One, he's verbally abusive. But before I make everyone hate him, he's what I consider bipolar, so I truly believe sometimes he can't control it. It's very hard to be around him, especially in public, because he is sure to start an argument. Vacations are almost always a study in patience for me, because he will curse the other drivers, weather, whatever, then after he stews a while, will apologize, and I am supposed to just get over it. Our son is 28, and unmarried. He is verbally abusive to me like his father, and his father does nothing. No matter what I say, his dad will just clam up, never telling our son to have some respect. But then, our son grew up with it, so he hasn't learned any different. I believe that's also why he is unmarried, he has no respect for women.My husband does nothing around the house but mow the lawn. He does only what I make him, and will half do the job, and take shortcuts. When our hot water heater leaked, he had to replace the floor. He and our son did the job, and left uneven spots that they then hid with the washer and dryer. It would have only cost 20 more dollars and another hour to do it right, but they didn't want to.My husband also has a very bad work history. He will hold a job, but if it weren't for health insurance and sympathetic doctors, he would be fired for poor attendance within the first year. He doesn't take care of the bills, and won't. Doesn't care to ask, because he knows I am going to do it. I can't let them go, so I get myself used, and know it, but can't lose my house.So, 2 years ago, I was fed up. I was changing jobs, so could cash out my 401k (yeah, I know it was stupid)and I took some of the money and got all the things I needed to move on. I had a house picked out, financing approved, and was ready. He had put a deposit on an apartment, and was being so nice (after the initial blowup). I was really looking forward to having some time to be me, but for some reason I asked him to stay the night before he was to move out.One thing, and I know I went for the sympathy thing, but he has some health problems that causes him to not be able to have intimate relations. I was sorry for him because he wouldn't be able to get another female easily due to this. I don't know about the other reasons, I guess I just got scared. I just know that I regret it. I've spent the money since, but still have the household items, unused, in the outbuilding. Tell me, why wouldn't I be able to leave someone who is verbally abusive, lazy, and reclusive? I'd love to have a real holiday, without the arguments, a real vacation without getting home as fast as possible because I can't stand to be alone with him, and aclean, repaired home I can bring guests to. Have friends, go out with them, look forward to tomorrow.What to do? I am out of patience, time, and ideas.LC and H
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female
reader, Lonely, Confused, Hating it +, writes (16 November 2008):
Lonely, Confused, Hating it is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSorry, this got posted to the wrong column.
Hey, thank you all for answering, and your caring, considerate advice. Talkstoomuch, no offense taken, I'm 51 and really pretty ok with my age in general. I don't feel it, and am told I don't look it, so it isn't an issue with me.
You've all given some good advice. I do need to think about myself, and I do realize that, it's just hard. You know, it's very hard to think about being alone after almost 30 years. Would I be happier? Probably after the
shock wore off. I do have a little bit of money put back, under 1,000 so I would be able to rent, and I have a pretty stable job as an LPN. I think I could support myself.
My husband isn't totally disabled, he just has health problems. He does work, but is in a new job, and hasn't gotten his health insurance started up yet. As soon as he does, he will start back seeing the doctors for whatever, heel spurs, back problems, kidney stones, In a few months he will take a day off, then two, and depending on how his work accepts this behavior, he will take weeks. All the while he hangs around with our son, mows the lawn, but mostly sits in the recliner watching tv or sleeping. He pitches a fit when I say anything about it. I know that at our age you will have problems, but if I work every day, so can he. We all have age related aches and pains, and age related health issues. Doesn't stop us from using electricity or the roof over our heads. We always end up being behind in the bills because he doesn't take the AFLAC stuff, and he really just doesn't care. Thinks he's justified.
EZ4U2say, thank you. Nice to see it from the male view, and you're right, I can't help but believe that he doesn't know it's coming. I have not hidden the fact I kept the
other household items, or anything for that matter. We live like roommates. We never talk, romance or any form of touch is non existent except the occasional hug, nothing you wouldn't give a roommate. He does put his paycheck in our account, and is a generous person. Wouldn't care if I spent it all today on bubblegum, as long as I had some kind of reasoning. But no motivation to better himself. The last job he had would have paid for college, but he wouldn't go. (Let me get that chance!) He won't camp out, (too dangerous), we have no friends that visit (house is always a mess) we don't belong to church ( the Bible was written by a man, and he could have written anything he wanted, there's no proof it's really about God). This is the most negative person I have ever met. And it is true, it drains the life from me. You do give up, because it's easier than fighting.
Anonymous, thank you also. I guess I do need to do some serious thinking, because you are right, I know what I need to do, it's just so easy to do nothing. I sure don't want to end up on antidepressants.
As far as a chance of happiness, someday I'd like to find someone that would be fun to be around. I'll never remarry, but would love to have someone to hang around with.
Thank you all again for your kindness. I am thinking hard about this, and you all are really helping.
Gotta get some sleep.
LCH
A
female
reader, Lonely, Confused, Hating it +, writes (11 November 2008):
Lonely, Confused, Hating it is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHey, thank you all for answering, and your caring, considerate advice. Talkstoomuch, no offense taken, I'm 51 and really pretty ok with my age in general. I don't feel it, and am told I don't look it, so it isn't an issue with me.
You've all given some good advice. I do need to think about myself, and I do realize that, it's just hard. You know, it's very hard to think about being alone after almost 30 years. Would I be happier? Probably after the
shock wore off. I do have a little bit of money put back, under 1,000 so I would be able to rent, and I have a pretty stable job as an LPN. I think I could support myself.
My husband isn't totally disabled, he just has health problems. He does work, but is in a new job, and hasn't gotten his health insurance started up yet. As soon as he does, he will start back seeing the doctors for whatever, heel spurs, back problems, kidney stones, In a few months he will take a day off, then two, and depending on how his work accepts this behavior, he will take weeks. All the while he hangs around with our son, mows the lawn, but mostly sits in the recliner watching tv or sleeping. He pitches a fit when I say anything about it. I know that at our age you will have problems, but if I work every day, so can he. We all have age related aches and pains, and age related health issues. Doesn't stop us from using electricity or the roof over our heads. We always end up being behind in the bills because he doesn't take the AFLAC stuff, and he really just doesn't care. Thinks he's justified.
EZ4U2say, thank you. Nice to see it from the male view, and you're right, I can't help but believe that he doesn't know it's coming. I have not hidden the fact I kept the
other household items, or anything for that matter. We live like roommates. We never talk, romance or any form of touch is non existent except the occasional hug, nothing you wouldn't give a roommate. He does put his paycheck in our account, and is a generous person. Wouldn't care if I spent it all today on bubblegum, as long as I had some kind of reasoning. But no motivation to better himself. The last job he had would have paid for college, but he wouldn't go. (Let me get that chance!) He won't camp out, (too dangerous), we have no friends that visit (house is always a mess) we don't belong to church ( the Bible was written by a man, and he could have written anything he wanted, there's no proof it's really about God). This is the most negative person I have ever met. And it is true, it drains the life from me. You do give up, because it's easier than fighting.
Anonymous, thank you also. I guess I do need to do some serious thinking, because you are right, I know what I need to do, it's just so easy to do nothing. I sure don't want to end up on antidepressants.
As far as a chance of happiness, someday I'd like to find someone that would be fun to be around. I'll never remarry, but would love to have someone to hang around with.
Thank you all again for your kindness. I am thinking hard about this, and you all are really helping.
Gotta get some sleep.
LCH
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A
male
reader, ez4u2say +, writes (10 November 2008):
I am sorry to hear a story like this. The biggest reason he is probably this way is he hates himself. His disabilities,etc and he takes it out on you. You feel sorry for him and that is not a marriage. He has been in your comfort zone for many years and you are afraid to leave the comfort whether happy or not. You have to make that leap and do it without hesitation.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 November 2008): You know what to do. You are unhappy, you are miserable, you should feel sorry for yourself instead of sorry for him, and give yourself a life. Time, It goes very fast, give yourself a chance at happiness if you want it. He knows it's coming, you've reved up a few times already.
You stay because he has you doubting yourself and your self efficacy. Overcome your doubt, and you know better as you typed it. You don't need anybody, your self efficient. you know what you want to do, you answered your own questions. Good luck to you!
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