A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My ex and I broke up a few weeks ago she said she had lost her feelings for me. She has admitted to talking casually to guy behind my back for a few months but claims to have never cheated on me. When I confronted her about it after the breakup she claims to not be interested in him as he doesn't have anything I don't have. I asked her why she never said anything about her losing her feelings for me she said she "checked out a long time ago" and I was too dense to see it. I know they've been seeing each other since the breakup and that is what is causing the reconciliation to be unsuccessful with her not wanting to try again. I really want to let this girl go but I am confused. Is she just using this rebound guy as a way to fill the void I left or get "even"? Does she still have feelings for me by still keeping in contact? She is not a bad person and I know she has to be feeling something but seems really unsure what to do. Is she staying in contact to keep tabs on me or is just keeping me around as a backup plan? Why would she want to look for other guys so early after we broke up? Please help!
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 February 2009): Well, I don't know anything about your girlfriend or what caused her to lose feelings for you so it is hard to tell you why she is doing anything....but generally, I think it is wasted effort to try and analyze why someone broke up with you because you are never going to figure it out and here is why. Break ups are based on an emotional decision, emotions have NOTHING to do with logic, so to try and logically explain it is futile!
I can tell you are hurting and break ups are really hard when you did not see it coming especially, but I think she is telling you the other guy didn't have anything to do with it, she is just trying to move on. Even though she broke up with you, she has pain over it as well, it is hard to break up with someone and admit to yourself it isn't working out.
The best thing to do is to stop letting her have contact with you of any kind since this doesn't sound like a fight that needs to be resolved, it is just she thinks she doesn't love you anymore....Women hate it when men disappear on them, it is human nature to want what we can't have, although some people are just truly "done". One way to find out is to stop all contact with her and she will be ringing your phone off the hook if she still has feelngs, but even then you must make her do some work earning her way back into your heart.
One thing to consider is do you really want this girl ever again, is she good for you?
Also, I know this is a concept, but I think it is an important one to grasp. Love is not a feeling. True love is when we make a conscious decision to be worthy of love and to act in loving ways towards our partner, putting their needs often above our own, putting them first. Love is a verb, not a noun, it involves action and most of all a commitment. Without a commitment, feelings will blow with the wind and you will stop loving simply because you don't feel like it. So her decision to opt out of the relationship has more to do with her than with you, she did not choose to commit and that is something that was lacking in her for what ever reason. Never let the end of a relationship hurt your sense of self or self esteem, because you committed, you chose to love her....
And hard as it is to swallow, love isn't about how we feel about them, it is how they feel about us and you just have to take what you have learned and try again with someone who is going to be even better for you....because you get better at choosing after a few missed chances.
I am sorry you are feeling so low, I know how much it hurts you but it will get better, you'll see.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (7 February 2009): You say she said "she checked out a long time ago". That's why she is looking for guys so soon. She was already over your relationship, and was too inconsiderate to let you know. She is trying to fill the void in her empty heart, which will likely not be filled at all, by anyone ever. Move on at once.
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