A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:i am really, really confused...i've been going out with my g/f for over 2 years. we've had our moments like any couple does but we've always pulled through and lately i've felt like we're doing better than ever together. we spend plenty of time together, share common interests, and haven't even had a major argument for a month or two. well today, one of my gf's friends who i'm not really close with at all happened to run into another friend who i am close with. my friend works at a bus company and my gf's friend was buying a ticket.well in the course of normal conversation the two figured out they both know my gf. apparently, my gf has talked about my friend to her friend. so when they figured out they kinda indirectly know each other, my gf's friend brought up my gf. my friend causally says, "yeah, I know her, she's dating my friend."my gf's friend reacted with surprise. "no...she's single!" so my friend of course feels awkward and just says "no, i've hung out with them and they're definitely together." and so the friend says "uh, i'm confused, because she told me that he won't leave her alone and she's told him that she isn't interested in him but he won't take a hint." my friend decided not to push further for info or anything, so i don't know any more details than that.this all came from my friend, who i honestly don't have any reason to distrust. i don't really have any hard core reason to distrust my gf either. I do have some minor trust issues that stem from some serious things done to me by girls in the past, but i make it a point to consciously not let that affect my current relationship. but at times like this, sometimes, i get really scared. it's times like this that I have to stop myself from looking for reasons to distrust people...my gf is very attentive. she initiates contact as often as i do, she makes plans as often as i do, and there are lots of people who know we're together and she's never denied it. she has never, ever said to me that she's not interested - infact, she was the one who admitted her feelings first when we started going out! and there was one time that we almost did break up over something kind of silly, but after we fought she called me later the same day crying saying she couldn't bear the thought of losing me and that we have to work things out and we can't break up!the only people she's been cautious about is her family knowing how serious our relationship is, because they're extremely conservative, and are also vindictive enough to use it against her, but her family does know we are close friends and all that, they just don't know the extent of the seriousness of our relationship at this point. this is bothering the hell out of me and i'm not sure what i should do. i feel like i need to confront my gf about it, because if she is indeed saying things like that to people, that's a huge problem, and also if she didn't say it, she almost should know what her friend is doing. but on the other hand, i don't want to come off as untrustworthy or stalky. i didn't invite any of this info, my friend called me concerned for me when it happened...advice???thanks Reply to this Question
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (4 May 2013): this is OP
thanks for your comments, let me respond to them
curious: i think yes i need to talk to her, i have tried to message her but she hasn't answered so i'm going to wait and see if she messages back or calls or whatever. she usually does. i guess i worry perhaps her friend called her right after meeting my friend and now my gf is in some kind of panic mode, maybe worried now that her friend knows she might go tell her family...
aunty: again, agreed, and i would love to assume all of what you said is true. only thing is i won't know until she actually responds and talks to me, and even then as some one else mentioned she could be dishonest if she chose to...
anonymous poster: what I meant was we haven't had the kind of argument that we actually have to discuss and work out for a while. i believe ALL couples have occasional disagreements. for the past 2 months we have not even come close to disagreeing on anything. i'm a firm believer in that anytime you have two people who never, ever disagree, one of them is giving in too much, because as similar as two people can be, there's always some way they differ, and the skill is not in avoiding arguments, but in working through them maturely and productively.
fragileswan: hmmmm.... what was the point of all that? yeah, I get the alpha male thing, but are you trying to say that what her friend said is true? and if that's the case, why would she continue to drag me through the mud and not even give me any indication that she's had enough? why would she still call, text, and see me in person as often as before, in fact, even more lately than she used to? i usually can tell if a girl is losing interest, and my gf isn't showing any of those signs.
the only thing is her family thing. and i read another post on here about that. the conclusion seemed to be that expecting your gf (or bf) to stand up to their family for your relationship may make you feel good but won't really solve anything, if a family is going to hate you, you really can't force that to change, so all you really can do is talk to your bf/gf and learn to deal with it together. like, you allow him or her time to spend with their family, and you make it clear that you don't want him/her to give that up, but at the same time, you still get your time together and your relationship etc. the complication comes in when hiding from one's family also means hiding from a lot of other people who might report back... i really hope that's all that's happening here, but i would rather she have just said to her friend that we're just friends, rather than saying that she's trying to get me to leave her alone (if that's indeed what she did say...)
with respect to marriage, we've actually talked about that, and we agreed to wait till she's done with school and has a firm foundation on her life. at this point she has 2 years of schooling left. she made it clear that she doesn't want to break up and that she does want to consider it but could I at least wait till she's done with college, which i felt was a fair request. believe me, i'd actually be ready to propose to her far sooner, but since she made that clear, i don't want to alienate her by clearly violating what she laid out for me...
thanks again for your comments guys, all i can really do is wait till she contacts me again and we can discuss this. scary thing is, we had just talked prior to my friend calling me. like, we'd talked for a few hours and everything was great, then after we hung up i went about my business and two hours later my friend called to tell me all this.
thanks
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (4 May 2013): this is OPthanks for your comments, let me respond to themcurious: i think yes i need to talk to her, i have tried to message her but she hasn't answered so i'm going to wait and see if she messages back or calls or whatever. she usually does. i guess i worry perhaps her friend called her right after meeting my friend and now my gf is in some kind of panic mode, maybe worried now that her friend knows she might go tell her family...aunty: again, agreed, and i would love to assume all of what you said is true. only thing is i won't know until she actually responds and talks to me, and even then as some one else mentioned she could be dishonest if she chose to... anonymous poster: what I meant was we haven't had the kind of argument that we actually have to discuss and work out for a while. i believe ALL couples have occasional disagreements. for the past 2 months we have not even come close to disagreeing on anything. i'm a firm believer in that anytime you have two people who never, ever disagree, one of them is giving in too much, because as similar as two people can be, there's always some way they differ, and the skill is not in avoiding arguments, but in working through them maturely and productively.fragileswan: hmmmm.... what was the point of all that? yeah, I get the alpha male thing, but are you trying to say that what her friend said is true? and if that's the case, why would she continue to drag me through the mud and not even give me any indication that she's had enough? why would she still call, text, and see me in person as often as before, in fact, even more lately than she used to? i usually can tell if a girl is losing interest, and my gf isn't showing any of those signs. the only thing is her family thing. and i read another post on here about that. the conclusion seemed to be that expecting your gf (or bf) to stand up to their family for your relationship may make you feel good but won't really solve anything, if a family is going to hate you, you really can't force that to change, so all you really can do is talk to your bf/gf and learn to deal with it together. like, you allow him or her time to spend with their family, and you make it clear that you don't want him/her to give that up, but at the same time, you still get your time together and your relationship etc. the complication comes in when hiding from one's family also means hiding from a lot of other people who might report back... i really hope that's all that's happening here, but i would rather she have just said to her friend that we're just friends, rather than saying that she's trying to get me to leave her alone (if that's indeed what she did say...)with respect to marriage, we've actually talked about that, and we agreed to wait till she's done with school and has a firm foundation on her life. at this point she has 2 years of schooling left. she made it clear that she doesn't want to break up and that she does want to consider it but could I at least wait till she's done with college, which i felt was a fair request. believe me, i'd actually be ready to propose to her far sooner, but since she made that clear, i don't want to alienate her by clearly violating what she laid out for me...thanks again for your comments guys, all i can really do is wait till she contacts me again and we can discuss this. scary thing is, we had just talked prior to my friend calling me. like, we'd talked for a few hours and everything was great, then after we hung up i went about my business and two hours later my friend called to tell me all this. thanks
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A
female
reader, fragileswan +, writes (4 May 2013):
I don't know what to tell you except you've bought into a modern fallacy. A girl already has girlfriends. When she finds a guy she likes, it's because she'd at least consider allowing his genetic material to become a part of her offspring. Physical attraction and intimate relations are genetically programmed reproductive traits/behaviors designed within the respective genders for procreation of the human species.So, when a girl looks for a guy, she doesn't want another girlfriend. She wants a guy who knows what he wants, who wants to get up her skirt, who isn't afraid to take risks; a decisive, alpha male who isn't easily swayed from his initial course of action, by a silly girl. He's is an emotional rock in times of distress; a defender against danger and evil, and he treats a girl just a little bit like dirt. Deferring to the woman only works on television. In real life it makes a woman sick.He exhibits little or no fear in any situation, and he never lets her see him sweat an argument. He always knows the right thing to do, and he gets what he wants, without trying very hard. He is always available to the woman, but it better be important, because when he's onto a project he can't be swayed by man or beast, or act of God, unless the one he loves is in peril!His heart is accessible at the proper times, only to her, and he is willing to bend his inflexible principles out of love for her. He doesn't need her, or any woman for that matter. And, he has nothing emotionally in common with women. If it weren't for the woman's function to bear and nurse the man's offspring—preferably man-child—the guy would have no use for females at all.His fashion is timeless: rugged individualist, because he's a trend-setter. There are four things the perfect man could not care less about:Hairstyles, he prefers a woman's hair natural and dangling and that smells like hair, not fruit salad. Long, thick hair provides an accurate gauge of the woman's fertility. Male attraction is a genetically programmed reproductive trait, so natural selection and the theory of evolution dictate that men are more attracted to fertile females.Celebrity gossip, the perfect man utterly ignores this.Fashion trends, about as inconsequential as a woman's, 'No'.Gay, minority and women's rights; he lives in a merit-based system that is blind to human differences! The best candidate should occupy every position, without regard to status in any particular group. This man never has to “come out.” Yeah, I'm Stud Manley! I'm heterosexual. I like perky, trim taut tanned toned virgins with long, thick hair draped over their large firm well-formed pointed-up beasts; breasts that I want my baby nursed on!”Hence we see the cause of the male mating response to attractive breasts. And, if you really loved the girl you would have bought a diamond and put it on her finger by now! So, don't be so shocked when she loses interest! She's on a clock. You have your whole life! Now get with the program!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 May 2013): Sounds like you got problems. You say you "haven't had a major argument in a month or two" as if this is something to be proud of?? My goodness. A strong relationship should be having major arguments very infrequently. Going 2 months without a major argument should be expected and normal not something noteworthy. so that says something about the state of your relationship already.
Then yeah I would be very concerned why your gf told her friend she isn't with you. Maybe the friend and your friend got identities mixed up and they were taking about different people?
I think you should talk to your gf 's friend first. If you confront your gf she will probably lie if she has indeed been lying to you all this time and you wont be able to tell either way.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (4 May 2013):
 You are getting all upset and bothered over something she said, that she said that she said.
Who is to say the original girl who said your girlfriend isn't interested doesn't know what she is talking about?
Who is to say somewhere along the line all these frieds of friends didn't hear right, or got something mixed up?
A-a-a-a-a-and, who is to say one of these friends of friends were not being deliberately catty and trying to stir up some controversy for whatever reason?
All of the above could be true, it could also be true, if your girlfriend is keeping your relationship quiet from her family that your girlfriend is concerned the girl in question might blab and told her that stuff to throw her off the scent.
You need to get off here and talk to your girlfriend, because even though it is quite possible she doesn't know why the above was said either, she is more likely to be able to throw some light on the situation than any of us here.
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A
female
reader, CuriousGirl616 +, writes (4 May 2013):
 I don't think there's anything wrong with you confronting her about that. If there isnt anything wrong with your relationship maybe there's something going on with her and her friend. Maybe she doesn't want her friend to know shes taken for whatever reason. Maybe she thinks her friend could tell her parents how serious your relationship is? The only way you'll know is to ask her
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