A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I am a 29yr old straight woman. Most of my male friends are gay. This of itself is not an issue for me. Many of them are physically gorgeous, but I never think of them as anything more than friends because they are gay, therefore, off limits.But there is one guy, John. We have been friends for about 2 or 3 years. When we first struck up a friendship he was quite depressed about his life and felt like he had nothing going on and had no friends. I think he had friends, but not necessarily anyone particularly close. Since we started to hang out he has said that his life has turned around and other people have commented on how much happier he is and they pin point that to me. I don't know whether he thinks it had anything to do with me specifically and to be honest, while I can see he is happier and I think I helped him out a fair bit by talking stuff over and so on, I don't think I did anything more than anyone else would have done.Anyway, we started planned a holiday together to LA and Las Vegas and he found a website that said we could get married in Las Vegas, essentially a "fake" marriage but we since joked about doing it for real.This as a start off has left me confused and I think as a result I have started to consider what it would be like to be with him as a couple rather than as friends. I think he has said things to suggest this as well. We had dinner the other week at his place and I made a joke that if I had to move out of my apartment (because of a change in my work) then I would move in with him and sleep in his bed... His reaction was "yay!" like he would be pleased about it. Later that evening when I got up to leave and put on my coat his dog started to pull at my sleeve. He says to me a few times, "Oh he wants you to stay, he wants you to stay" and I wondered was he really saying "*I* want you to stay."On another occasion we exchanged some text messages about an event he was participating in. I had originally said I wouldn't go since there were a group of others going, one of whom, Bob, I don't get along with. When the others said they couldn't make it I said I would go, to support him. Then, apparently Bob said he could make it and so John txt me, apaprently to give me a heads up. At the time, it felt to me like he was saying to me that now he had another friend going he didn't need me to make up the numbers any more. I felt a bit gutted since I was being supportive and canceling other arrangements to go, so I txt back to tell him I was annoyed. His reply was "You are my betrothed and I want you by my side".All the while I've been trying to keep from my mind the chance of any relationship with him because ultimately I'm still thinking, he's gay and logically he's not going to be interested in me. This weekend, we have dinner at a restaurant and he starts telling me explicit stuff about guys who are interested in him and is basically drooling over other men in the restaurant quite obviously in front of me - even if it was just a regular friend situation I would have been quite annoyed - it seemed quite rude - but this and the stuff he was telling me about these other men, felt like he was saying to me, these people have something you fundamentally can't give me, ie, they're men. I actually got quite upset about it although on the surface I think I hid it from him.I'm quite confused - I don't really think he's interested in me for anything more than just being this supportive person in his life, but I feel kind of used that he can also act and say things which are leading me on - or am I misinterpretting it?? And then I feel used, I mean, why would he want to marry me when he's not ever going to be interested in me in any way other than friends?? Is it just a way to keep me attentive to him??I would really appreciate other people's insight into this.
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female
reader, idetektiv +, writes (7 October 2009):
 I'm sorry to hear you're having so much trouble, I know how it feels to have unrequited feelings for a friend.
In my opinion, you are misinterpreting his words, his marriage talk is only meant in a joking, playful way. And he's probably mentioned it a few times because he thinks of it like an inside joke between him and you.
There are all types of people in the world, and he sounds like a very jokey, playful type. I think he sees you as a very close friend, and thinks it's fine to joke and play like he does because he doesn't realize the signals he's giving you.
And it's VERY, VERY common for a girl to have feelings for a gay friend. You tend to know them better than you would a straight man, and can talk on much deeper and personal levels. Just because you know he prefers men, doesn't stop your heart from wanting him.
As for the Bob part, I don't think he meant to come off like that. He probably knew that you and the other guy didn't get along, and he wanted to mention that he was coming in case you didn't want to see him.
I can't say I have a lot of experience in things like this, but I hope this helps at least a little!
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