A
female
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anonymous
writes:I have a really bad feeling that my ex bf has said something to the guy new guy ive been dating to turn him off me. But i dont know what because i never did anything to him to hurt him. He was the one who broke up with me. The reason was because i wanted to wait till we were in love for sex and he coudlnt wait that long, although he never admitted this, his actions proved it though. anyway after we broke up, 4 months later i started dating this new guy who isnt friends with my ex, but they do know each other and occasioanlly see each other. thigns were going great. he said he really liked me and thought i was beautiful. then suddenly, out of no where, my ex appears to be everywhere i go!! it was weird because i hadnt seen him once since we broke up, and then as soon as i date a guy he knows, he appears everywhere. not just everywhere i go, but everywhere the guy i was dating goes.so i think that my ex must of said something to this guy i was dating. so my question is do you think he did? and if so what could of he possibly said? and why would he want to ruin my chances with this new guy if hes the one who broke up with me? hes the one who broke my heart. i wanted to stay with him so badly, i didnt want him to leave, but he did...and finally i started to move on and i feel like hes just ruined it all for me.
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 August 2008): I do not like the words 'owing' and/or 'ownership' in a relationship. I think the better way to describe a healthy love relationship, is being partnered which means being respected, supported, and included by the other in caring, mutual goal-setting and decision-making processes. Both people can be independant individuals with a free will of their own, but they should choose wisely to work together with their partner, as a team, ensuring that their behaviors do not go over the boundaries of ownership, control and entitlement. Having a free will is the way of humans. But they use that free will to make the sensible choice to lift the other person up, not tear them down or cause them great hurt. This poster's bf is a controller and he's using his jealous feelings of entitlement to literally mess up her life...thus he is taking away her right to attain happiness in another relationship. I call that 'ownership' and a pretty darn good example of control. If this new guy wants to believe all your ex bf has to say about you, and not give you a chance, then yes, you move on...as you don't need two judgemental 'asses' in your life, now do you. Kick both if them to the curb, girl and go find a nice, decent guy, who will give you the honor and respect you really, really deserve, He's out there. Good luck sweety.
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 August 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThankyou all you have been so much help.
Sorry I left out a really important part of the story. The new guy ive been dating has become VERY distant ever since my ex has been seen around alot lately. So yeah that is why i think he said something to him. Hes become so distant that the only time he will talk to me is if i contact him first. And when we talk he doesnt talk much at all when usualy he talks non stop. Ive asked him if anything is wrong and he says no. Its been over a week now and i havent contacted him and he hasnt bothered to contact me either so i think he doesnt want to date me anymore. do you think its worth talking to him about it still? or should i just move on? I never told him what my ex was truly like because i didnt think he would believe me. everyone who i have told so far doesnt believe me. they think hes this great charming, strictly religous guy when hes not.
I think Irish49 got it right when she said hes trying to control me and my life and he feels hes 'entitled' to me. During our relationship he was very controlling and always seemed to think he was entitled to have sex with me despite me saying i wanted to wait.
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 August 2008): We have no idea what he said. But if this current bf is a good guy, he'll talk to you about what was said, right? As far as this ex bf is concerned-keep moving on, hun, and oh, tell him to 'back off' and really mean it. . Don't mistake your ex's behavior's for love-it's anything but. He has an unhealthy, immature view of what relationships are. This ex chose to end this relationship but he still feels he's has the right to your life, which he doesn't. Plus he's hating the fact that you have 'moved on'. You suddenlty seem attractive to him again, as Oldersister pointed out.
Listen, You sound like you are a very giving, nice person. You need to be really strong and take back some 'power', in your life. No ex bf should be ever allowed to continue to be a 'blackmailing' cad, like this and you have to stop allowing him. His poor behaviors are telling me that the 'love' you had bestowed on him, is now being given to another guy and he can't stand that. Why? Because this ex has a warped sense of entitlement to 'you'. Hate to say this..that is so unhealthy an no one is entitled to control other people's lives, simply because they now feel lonely and regretful. How sad that this 'fear of his reactions and behaviors' can still dominate your life and he's such a huge negative force in your daily life . That alone takes a lot away from your present happiness with the new guy. So if you truely want out from under this ex's thumb, you and this current bf need to team together and confront this ex. Take a stand and by no means, do not feel wanted or loved by this ex. This is not love......it's simply all about him and his feelings of wanting to control and be entitled to your life.
If he loved you and wanted you back, he would not demean you to others. He would bide his time, quietly and perhaps talk to you personally, letting you know his true feelings. But the main thing is...he would not want to hurt you like this---plain and simple. His intimidating behaviors tell me he is a very unhealthy, immature man. Be strong, girl...ignore and do all you can to stop being in the same places as this ex-stop all contact. You need to do this, or he will continue to overpower your life. No one has the right to control and disrespect another's life. That's why there is this legal thing called 'restraining orders" If things get rough, it's an option. I wish you luck and take care of YOU.
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female
reader, Doodles.x.  +, writes (25 August 2008):
 Heyy chick.
Well, in my opionion, your ex is jeaslous. It appears that he regrets ending the relationship with you and therefore wants to jepadise every other potential relationship you have.
He is probably insecure and doesn't want you to be with anybody else, as he wants you, although he's not actually admitting it. To me, it seems like he doesn't want to let you go for good.
You need to talk to hem. Tell him that he ended it because he didn't want to be with you. Now that it is over, if he meant what he said by finishing the relationship, he should stick to it rather than butting in on your life and any new guy that you meet, because it's not fair as you're only moving on.
Sorry if i'm not all that much help chick.
This is my first answer [=
Take Care xx
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A
female
reader, Emilysanswers  +, writes (25 August 2008):
Your ex sounds like an idiot. But just seeing him around doesn't mean he can ruin things for you.
Have you spoken to your new guy about the ex and told him that you think he might say something to break you up?
If you talk to your new guy and not assume he's going to be a sheep and believe what ever he's been told then you should be fine.
Your ex is probably just jealous because he realised he'd blown it with you.
Good Luck!! xx
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