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female
,
anonymous
writes: I have quite a difficult situation on my hands. My long-term boyfriend and I have just signed a lease together, and things seemed to be going fantastically until two weeks after we moved in. He dropped a bomb by telling me that he thinks he may be gay. I've dealt with it and agreed to an indefinite hiatus while he figures things out, but we're still living together. Since he's told me this, we've slept together on several occassions and otherwise acted as though things hadn't changed...until we had another long talk about how he feels there hasn't been something right in our relationship and he wants to work on himself before becoming involved. What does he do after this talk? Attempts to sleep with me again! The day after he refuses a kiss on the cheek from me as I'm leaving the house! I'm at a total loss here...I've even considered the possibility of his cheating as he's been corresponding with an old friend recently...but that doesn't seem quite like cheating as we are both friendly with her. Can anyone offer any advice, insight, or anything at all? I still love the boy dearly, but his hot and cold behaviour is driving me mad.
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female
reader, doublethink +, writes (30 July 2006):
 The simple answer would seem to be 'the boy's a mess'.Apologies for being blunt, but I think it's true. Imagine - he's been seeing you for ages. He loves you enough to agree to the commitment of moving in together. However, his feelings for other men have been growing for some time. He thinks he can ignore them and 'get rid of them' by moving in with you into a situation which would take some getting out of. He tries for a couple of weeks, then realises he was wrong, and this won't solve all his problems. What does he do? Acts on two different feelings - his desire to make things right for himself and with you, and his desire for men.When he says gay, does he mean exclusively? Does he want out of your relationship?I think he needs some help. He needs to talk this through. And you need to talk to him, too. Maybe you could be a sympathetic listener for him - but if he really thinks he's gay, I think you need to tell him that you won't be having a sexual relationship with him, at least until he's figured out what he wants - after all, if he's bisexual and curious but still loves amd fancies you, why should you not carry on? On the other hand, if he's gay and wants sex with men, I'd say you want to get out of there!I don't think you should move out, though - you're not the one who made a mess of things. Clear boundaries, that's what you need. tell him you want to sit down and sort it out. Encourage him to be honest. Ask him direct questions about how he feels, and don't be embarrased to ask what you want to know - he'll feel easier talking about his sexual feelings if he knows you want to know about it, whereas it could be difficult for him to bring up.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 July 2006): Well it all sounds pretty strange to me. He's giving you mixed messages. Why would anyone want to commit to someone sharing a property together, then two weeks down the line tell you that he's gay and sleep with you???? I don't mean to sound cynical, but maybe he used you in order to get a place of his own? Now he is being emotionally cold and witholding his affections, which in my book, he is emotionally abusing you. As hard as it is for you, I think he hasn't got the spine to tell you the truth. This is why he is blowing hot and cold with you, commitment is something that he is obviously not able to give. Rather than risk you hurting any longer I would move out immediately. As difficult as it is, I would be as strong as you can be, no one deserves to have mind games played upon them, your feelings are going back and for like a ball on a tennis court. You are worth so much more than that.
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