A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hello. I am so confused, and I really hope to gain some insight. I have never had an issue with my husband hanging out with his friends. In fact, I think it's good for him. However, there are times I feel like I should be included with hanging out with his friends too. Not just the guys, but with the guys and there girls. But recently, one of my husbands friends told him that I am strange and act weird when around him. (the friend). My husband told me he agreed that I act strange and weird. I don't think I acted any different with his friends. I am who I am, and I don't need to act strange. Can anyone help me understand why the friend would say something like that? Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 April 2014): Like I said before. Keep your distance from that friend. He sounds like he could be a trouble-maker.
Kick all this non-sense to the curb. You're a married couple, and the last thing you need is some outsider causing a rift between you.
Dismiss it all as total bullsh*t! Be yourself and do whatever you feel comfortable doing. Maybe your husband is just trying to make you feel self-conscious. You heard it from your husband, not from the friend. Now there's the suspicion he's just making it all up. Shrug it off.
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 April 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSo, I finally got my husband to ask his friend why he thought I was acting strange and here's is what my husband told me he said. He doesn't know how I'm acting different, he thinks I'm trying really hard to impress him. I don't get it. He and my hubby are great friends and I act like myself. My husband still isn't giving me a straight answer as to why he agrees with his friend.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (14 April 2014):
 I would ask my hubby to elaborate on why my behavior was strange IN HIS opinion... not just because his friend said it was.
and if wives/girlfriends etc are included in "get togethers" you should be invited as well.
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (14 April 2014):
 "How exactly were my behavior or actions strange? Please explain further, thanks."
I think your husband is being strange by giving you this very vague and unhelpful feedback.
Good luck!
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 April 2014): Now that you've shed more light on it, I can't see why either.
I think you might want to tell your husband how you feel. Your feelings should come before some buddy. I mean, we have our buds, but your spouse is the one who has your back.
I apologize; if I caused you any grief. It was not my intention.
I would keep my distance from that particular friend. He may have misread an expression; or he just might not like you.
Have you ever been around a certain person who gives you the creeps? Maybe they smell funny? You just can't put your finger on it. You may not be conscious of your reaction; but he creeps you out a little. Being polite, you try to hide it or downplay it.
Don't let it slide that your husband sided with someone against you. I think that might need an explanation.
In order to approach it logically, with less emotion; let things cool on it first. Then ask your husband if there is a problem in relation to you and his friend(s)? Let him know you feel left-out. If you don't address it, it will continue; or get worse.
I think your husband sided only under suspicion. Pretending he noticed; but really hasn't. Just in case he missed something. Let him explain to you what he means by it.
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 April 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionIn my situation there was no alcohol involved at all. My husband and I were moving some furniture, and we needed another hand for the really heavy stuff. He asked his friend, and it was in that setting that his friend said I acted strange. I personally thought I wasn't acting any different than other days. I also think I'm a very easygoing individual. In all honesty, it hurt me a little to hear that my husband agreed with his friend about me. Trust me, I know this isn't the most awful thing in the world, but like I said in my first post, I just wanted to understand why his friend would make a comment like that. Thank you all for your opinions and thoughts. Much appreciated!
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 April 2014): There is an easy presumption that the husband is up to something and a lot of criticism of my advise which is fine. I also note that there is a lot of conjecture and presumption made against the husband, simply because he is a man.
Well, I guess that could go either way when we have nothing but one side of a story.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 April 2014): Christ knows how wise owl made those assumptions on you from your post! I don't think you mentioned being alone with that guy or that alcohol was involved! Just so you know, I dont get that impression at all about you - Jeez I see my husbands friends in the street and we'd stop and chat without him there, a marriage that needs set boundaries is a bit weird. Love, trust and laughter - that's my marriage advice!
Anyhoooo, I would simple ask your husband to just go into detail about that conversation so you can understand. Because it may not have been phrased by his friend as he said it to you, maybe they just don't know you well enough. There's some of my husbands friends I don't know well and so would feel slightly awkward out of shyness and maybe that's how it comes across?
Ask him what he suggests and see where it goes from there.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 April 2014): My guess - and without much more information I can't do much more than that - is that your husband is projecting his own discomfort and/or insecurities about you being with him and his friends. I don't know why, but it seems like he didn't want you around in the first place and, now that you are, he can't handle it.I'm alarmed though. If it had always been the case that it's a 'guys only' thing that they do regularly then fine. But because it's not, and he clearly doesn't feel comfortable with you there, it sends alarm bells ringing. When people can't assert themselves properly in the first place, they often end up indirectly projecting their discomfort about a situation, and rarely 'own' what they really feel about it. Contrary to what WiseOwlE is saying - and I'm sorry but I find his response rather punishing, not for the first time actually when the OP is a woman, and slightly odd because there's simply not enough information for ANY reader of your post to know how you are behaving - my hunch is that you are just making an effort to fit in and it's your husband's behaviour around you that is making his friends sense something is 'off'. He may or may not be telling the truth about what his friend actually said and he may or may not be taking it out of context. For example, his friend could have said something like "your wife doesn't seem to be very comfortable or at ease, is she okay?"Whatever, your husband is NOT taking any responsibility for making you feel comfortable in this group and to me this suggests that part of him has not accepted that you two are a team AND he doesn't know how to assert his individual needs within a relationship.
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 April 2014): Well, it's strange you'd be hanging around with your husband's male-friends (plural or single) without your husband. You're trying to get attention, and they're picking-up on that. You may not be aware you're acting weird; because you'll behave differently when your husband is present.
They are observing you, and you're trying too hard to hold up your own (being a married-woman); when being in the company of only men. They may find that in-itself, strange. They wonder what if any, is the problem? They're not stupid.
I think your husband's friend was just uncomfortable that your husband wasn't there; and if you got a little tipsy, you may have been off your mark a little. Nothing is wrong, unless your husband has to be there to keep you on-balance.
You showed up with an ulterior-motive, and you were more transparent than you realize.
This isn't about you having friends; nor is it about you being included in your husband's circle of friends.
You have an ax to grind with your husband. You feel left-out, you're being pushy, and lack a sense of independence. You're airing your marital-issues around the others. If not verbally, through dramatizing.
You're unaware of how you behave, and how it appears. Or so, you say. Deep inside you want to make everyone feel bad about not including you. That's your true mission.
You've got stuff rolling around in the back of your mind,
and it's coming to the surface. Alcohol lowers the inhibitions, and your true feelings may show a little.
Sometimes people feel weird being around us when they're more used to us being together, as a couple. That could also be the case. They also sensed there is something bothering you. There is!
I recommend that you have a frank discussion with your spouse regarding your problem about feeling left-out.
Warm-up with the ladies in the group, and schedule a lady's night out. Try making your own friends. Branch out a little.
Don't just do it out of a vengeful "tit-for-tat" mentality. Be sincere. Create your own little gang for fun, and companionship. Moral-support.
You may be a little co-dependent on your husband when it comes to socializing. Why does it have to be "his" friends?
You both need your own personal getaways and distractions.
Staying within the proper boundaries of your marriage; of course.
Making your own circle of companions allows you to bond based on their compatibility with "your" personality-type, and they won't scrutinize your quirks so closely. Lessening your dependency on being "included;" but being "inclusive" on your own merit.
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (11 April 2014):
 Ask him to elaborate.
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (11 April 2014):
Is the friend male or female?
Are you feeling excluded from all your husband's hanging out with friends?
Are you being excluded even if other wives and significant others are included?
Why would your husband report such an odd observation to you?
Why would your husband say that he agreed with that observation?
In what way did your husband and his friend say you acted strange and weird?
You have some more questions to ask your husband, I think.
Follow up with your answers as well as your husband's and maybe we'll have a better idea how to guide you.
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A
female
reader, MSA +, writes (11 April 2014):
 You may want to get clarification from your husband as to what were you doing that his friend or he thinks that you're acting weird? Maybe once you know what the 'acts' are, then you can either explain or work on it.
Best of luck!
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