A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Me and my boyfriend had some issues over what he used to do on facebook.he deleted his page 10 months ago and now,i have discovered he is back on there.why would he go back on there when he knows how much trouble it caused and that it upset me ?.i cant stop crying and my nerves are going.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 October 2011): We have been on and off and he used to send messages to other girls he used to fancy when we werent together,private messages and comments.one of the girls was someone he liked at college before he met me but he added her on there after he met me and they were flirty.he said they were only friends and were having a laugh but i wondered if they still liked each other.another girl was someone he fancied during a time we were broken up,i think.he sent her a message saying he fancied her,and she went to his flat one night.she was friends with a girl who used to live next door to him.she had been out drinking and she had lost her keys.i cant remember if they were car keys or house keys.she went to her friends place,but she wasnt in,so she went to his place.he said she passed out drunk on the couch and nothing happened but i dont know if i should believe that.that was two years ago and she has a one year old baby by someone else.she must have got pregnant soon after she stopped hanging around with him.she apparently only hung around with him so she could use his internet.he used to flirt with her friend who lived next door to him too.and once when we were together he got intouch with this girl he used to write to before he met me who he had never met who lived in america who he had also fancied.he removed all those girls from his page as he knew it upset me that they were on there and soon after that he deleted his page.in may he chose another girl he had been talking to online over me who he hasnt met who lives abroad.he asked me to get back with him in july and he told me that he told her that he wanted to get back with me. Things had been getting better and we have talked about going to another level.I'm still upset.i went mad at him when i found out he was back on there.he said he cam do what he wants and that i overreacted and that i i dont deserve to be added back on his page because i snooped at his message
A
female
reader, Battista +, writes (20 October 2011):
What was he doing on facebook that upset you?
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A
female
reader, chocoholicforever  +, writes (20 October 2011):
He's making a choice that he wants to do this. He knows it upsets you so either he doesn't care how you feel or else he may care about you in general, but feels this issue is not a big deal and you're out of line for reacting to it the way you did.
if your bf knows that his actions upset you and he's choosing to do it anyway, then you can only explain to him how you feel (in case he doesn't actually understand how deeply this affects you). Crying and being emotional may be counterproductive because it's not actual communication in and of itself. It may have a short term coercive effect on the other person (like when he took down his facebook 10 months ago maybe it was in response to an emotional outburst from you) but for lasting change to occur he has to be motivated on his own to not be doing whatever it is that was upsetting you. he has to actually want to stop doing it because he feels free to make a choice. People in general tend to not want to do things if they're not given any other options. And they will be more likely to take you seriously if you can thoughtfully explain - without getting emotional - how and why something really upsets you. This does mean you have to prepare yourself ahead of time to talk with him, and not do it on the fly when you're not prepared to control your emotions. there's certainly a time and place to express your emotions, but expressing emotions can be destructive if you do it at the wrong time or in an unwise way.
and if you want him to consider your feelings, you also should be willing to consider his and seek to find out why it's so important to him to do this activity that upsets you. Again, crying and getting emotional probably will make him defensive and he will either withdraw or make stuff up rather than telling you the truth.
in the end, you should at some point have a talk with him about this issue, but with the aim of trying to understand sincerely where he's coming from, and sharing with him how you feel, without the negative energy involved.
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