A
female
age
,
*aryB
writes:Was wondering if someone could possibly give me some insight as to why a man would constantly flirt with someone but, never ask them out.A particular man in question works with me but, on a higher level than I do. I have worked at the same place as him for several yrs. In the very beginning he had been as well as I, involved in a long term relationship and we basically ended our relationships around the same time. Although, I have never fully confided in him as to what happened with my relationship other than it didn't end well he has fully disclosed all of the details of his relationship-from how they met, things that occurred throughout their relationship and how she ended the relationship. He was quite devastated by what she had done to him- I could definitely with a lot of things he confided to me as I had been through similar things. Both of our mates suffered from alcohol abuse which took a huge toll on both of us. The ending of both our relationships occurred about 3 yrs back. Although, I am aware it usually is not a wise idea to date someone you work with I have to admit I have really enjoyed talking with him as he can be a very humorous and intelligent guy. Shortly after divulging his secrets this guy began flirting with me which I really didn't take too seriously as I figured it was all just in fun. He always comes around my area and even though he may be speaking to someone else manages to draw me into his conversation by making little witty remarks to get my attention and has even on occasion come up close to me as if throwing his body towards me- I inturn usually back away, sometimes even putting my hand up to stop him. I don't feel this is sexual harassment as he has never said anything outright sexual to offend me or otherwise nor has he actually touched me.The problem is that I have grown fond of him and do enjoy this little game playing if you will and would really like to take it to another level by possibly going out on a date, etc. outside of work however, he has never even remotely suggested doing so. He does make cracks at times that he knows I have the hots for him or that I want him but,chuckles after saying these things so I assume he is not serious so I playfully reject him by saying things like "yeah, right" or "you wish". I say these things because I'm not sure where he is coming from and I definitely don't want to read into something that isn't there. No one likes rejection including me.Obviously, I realize it is impossible to know where this guys head is at if you don't know him but, was hoping someone could clue me in to why a man would carry on like this if he has no intentions of asking me out anytime soon. I will add that on an occasion I have indirectly responded to some things he has said as if I might be interested and he then acts like I'm coming on to him and ignores me for a couple of days but,then he is back at it again. I'm really confused to say the least- I know I could come right out and ask him why he does this but, then I would be running the risk that I am assuming something or reading him wrong and I definitely would never ask him out..that is just NOT my style. Could it be that he is just using me as an ego boost after being rejected by someone he loved so much..I sure hope not? I would greatly appreciate your thoughts on this.
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female
reader, like I see it +, writes (20 October 2013):
 My gut reaction upon reading the title of your question was "Probably because he has a wife or girlfriend at home."From the remainder of your post, that seems unlikely (although NOT impossible, so be cautious.)I suppose it's possible you've actually fooled him with the hard-to-get, "you wish" responses and he's afraid you may construe any more overt advance he makes as unwanted sexual harassment, especially since it sounds like he's one of your superiors. From where he stands, reading your intentions the wrong way could have serious consequences for him professionally and he may simply be choosing to err on the side of caution.There's no reason why YOU can't ask HIM out for coffee or whatever, so that's the route I would suggest.Good luck and best wishes :)
A
female
reader, llifton +, writes (20 October 2013):
 well, it COULD be that he can tell you're attracted to him, therefore, he flirts with you just to boost his ego, as you mentioned. that unfortunately is a possibility. however, it also could very well be that he is into you.
you say that when he would come close to you, you would put your hands up and block him, etc. is it possible you've given him the impression you're not interested, if every time he gets near, you push him away? maybe show him more interest with body language. nothing too over the top, but subtle.
also, you say it's not your style to ask a man out. why? this isn't the 1950's. women ask men out all the time! go outside of your comfort zone. ask him to just hang out with you. it doesn't have to be a date. in fact, why not invite a group of people so it doesn't feel too one on one-ish, and too intimate. this way, you can play it off as friends getting together, rather than a date, if it doesn't go well. but this may be an ice breaker that gets him to finally have the courage to ask you.
also, you say that he's confided in you about his personal life. he's shared some pretty intimate details about his ex with you. therefore, it certainly seems as though he considers you a friend. i definitely don't share personal details about my life with people i don't consider a friend. so why would he reject you to hang out if you ask him?
anyway, keep us updated.
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