A
female
age
30-35,
*olaBolla
writes:There's this guy I've had an on again off again "relationship" with for four years. (Think Chuck and Blair minus the sex). His "friends" do some nasty shit, and I've cautioned him about getting involved so they pressure him to avoid me, which he does. He's hesitant to speak to me publicly unless there's a work related reason the thing is, anytime his friends get in trouble/ caught doing something, he goes out of his way to let me no that he wasn't involved. And he always tries to be UBER polite, not curse to me when we do talk, which is totally unlike him. My question is, why the hell does he care so much about what I think of him if he's only going to end up choosing his friends over me? (And I hate to sound like a psycho, posessive bitch-- I get along with most of his friends, just not this certain group because of the shit they do.) Either way, I've ended it because I'm tired of the on/off thing; I'm just curious about his ongoing actions. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Abella  +, writes (26 November 2011):
 he likes you and thinks of you. But as yet he does not have the courage to dis-engage from his friends who are doing dumb things.He also probably thinks he respects you - but if you really did mean more to him he would distance himself from the friends he has who do dumb thingsIf you get a chance to speak to him tell him, that as far as the group who do dumb things that he needs a better group of 'friends' than them.And tell him that others judge us by the people we choose to associate with most.Friends who mess up and get in trouble are likely to ger him into troube one day, just by assocition.Because society has also come believe that 'birds -(male and female) birds of a feather (similar to each other) tend to flock together (gravitate together) - and do things together (even dumb things)So even if he was not there with his friends who do dumb things other people may assume he was there.While he keeps on seeking you out in this way tell him you would respect him a lot more if he demonstrated his strength to you by distancing himself from the group who do do silly things.I can see why you ended the relationship. He may also lack self esteem and so find it very difficult to walk away from questionable people.It also sounds like he knows and understands that this other group arw bad news.And I can understand why you said 'goodbye' to him. Maybe, in a few years, he will have the courage to walk awayHe still likes you. But lacks the courage to support you. He needs you to think well of him. But most of all he needs to improve his self esteem and belief in himself and the latter will not happen until he does distance himself from this group. Could he be scared of this group?
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (26 November 2011):
 I would stick with your decision, to end it and not start it back up.Why does he care? Because whether you are in a relationship or not, he wants your approval. Might be because he deep down know you are 100% right, but just don't have the nads to disengage himself from that group of "friends".
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