A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My ex and i had been together just over a year until he broke up with me 2 months ago and about three weeks after the break up I ended up getting a job in another country and moved. I had hoped in some way, that this would make moving on easier and although people say 'lets be friends' after a break up, I did not think that was really going to happen, but it is nice that we are.Since the break up, i have noticed he has been the one to make all the contact and effort to keep this being friends going and the connection good. But the times he has called, this part has been difficult for me, over text messages I'm fine as I don't get to hear his voice. But when I do, i am very happy and then feel sadness after the conversation ends.I have noticed when we've talk, I feel that he wants to say something, or that he misses me, but just won't say and knowing him he wouldn't. When we speak the conversation is no different to when we were together and that part is another of what makes me feel sad and it does hurt. But then I think that is probably just my wishful thinking and he's actually okay and it is just friendly conversation. He broke up with me because he didn't see the relationship working and it all felt different. So I don't understand how he could feel sad, or even that he regrets it in any way, because if he did, why would he have done it and not said anything yet?Everyone keeps saying to me that it sounds like he does miss me and that him making the contact, is an indication of that, but I don't want to believe into it, or is this true and why won't he say it? I am curious because I can understand the person who got dumped doing this. But I want to know why would a guy break up with his girlfriend and afterwards still message her, talk on the phone and want to be friends?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 August 2015): Ok, unlike the others I don't see this as some form of torture, but I think from the way YOU react to it (i.e. you still seem to care about him...and in a more romantic way),Then, tell him you'd ''love to be friends but not right now''.You are in a new country, you are adapting, you need to make friends, you don't have time (all too true,btw-all this time you spend with him on the phone is stopping you from going and exploring by yourself), but basically whatever excuse you feel comfortable with.And then say (if you feel comfortable with him, but not in love any more+ you were friends/ wish to remain so)- ''I will contact you in my own time,maybe 6 months' time? Then after I'm over you, we can be friends. Please do not contact me before then.''Simple.Hard to do.But simple.Then, during that time-decide if you actually want to be friends or not. Some people can do friends (I,for example, firmly believe someone was in my life for a reason+I try to be friends, not just lovers, whilst we are together), other people don't feel the same.Either is fine. Whatever is good for you and your life. You feel like it (and there are NO emotions left)- go and do it. You decide all this is too much hassle and he's in the past, not in your future - ok, then you don't.Whatever you decide-good luck.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 August 2015): Let me give it to you straight. This is all to his benefit. It clears his conscience to be the noble guy who dumped you; and for all appearances and practical purposes, you're still friends. The other women he is romancing, get the story of how it didn't work; but we're still friends. So their guard is down, and they believe he's a prince. So it must have been you!
He is delaying your healing and keeping you stuck in the same place. Feeding you false-hope. While he also knows that as long as he has one foot in the door; you'll be reluctant to date other guys. Meanwhile; he'll find someone. He'll become content with his new relationship; then you'll go through the rejection all over again. The fact you are sad when you hear his voice or at the end of a conversation means he is maintaining his spell over your feelings.
My dear, you should cut him loose and move on with your life. His friendship is just crumbs of what you used to have; and you're on a crash-diet from his affections. Surviving on the morsels he feeds you now and again to keep you holding on. At the same time, he's giving himself the time to get-over you, without the pain of withdrawal. You see it as love, but it's mostly emotional-convenience on his part.
You need a period of separation and no contact. You need to go through the process of detachment. As excruciating as it may be, it is healthy for you. It is the mind coming to terms with reality, and it fights to put the pieces together. You need to accept the grief of loss, and heal from it. It makes you stronger. The pain comes from the subconscious-mind refusing to deal with what used to be normal, isn't anymore. So the mind and heart struggle causing tremendous pain and confusion; until the mind realizes, it must accept the loss and you must move on.
You're on love-crack right now. He gives you little doses to keep you addicted. Go cold-turkey. Fight the addiction, let yourself go through the emotions necessary to break free. He is holding remote control over your feelings, sweetheart. That stunts your emotional-growth, and keeps your grasp on reality slippery and unsure. He's playing on your affections, and manipulating you.
I've probably scared the bejeebers out of you; but from experience and much enlightenment, I know how this often ends. You hold on until you get the announcement he is getting married. Then you're torn apart. You always thought he had lingering affection for you, and his love was too deep to really let you go. That happens in the movies, on soap operas, and in romance novels. In real-life, he's little by little getting over you and avoiding the gut-twisting withdrawal after breakup. It's all at your emotional-expense.
Cut him loose. Move on. Go through the fire, you'll come out better on the other side. When you do, you can be friends and not pine for him,or go into depression when he meets someone else.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 August 2015): His support system is his ego and you are feeding it by being friends with him because you wouldn't be able to get over him , for once sit and think that what do you really want and act accordingly!
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (22 August 2015):
 I agree with YouWish.
He wants to have SOMEONE to talk to, text to etc and YOU he knows, he is familiar with you. While he KNOWS you two weren't as great of a match as he had hoped he still likes you and talking to you. That way he can FEEL like he still has a GF (sorta) and that he wasn't the "bad guy" for ending the relationship.
But what he is really doing? is giving YOU false hope and wasting time.
YOU are not going to get over him while "pretending" to be friends.
He is holding on to you, so that YOU won't move on, because HE hasn't moved on either.
He was being realistic (or so he thinks) when he broke up that you two just wasn't going to work out long term, yet he also regrets that because there was parts of the relationship he DID like. The thing is... It didn't work out, HE made the choice to end it, so he NEEDS to stop stringing you along. Because it DOES make you think that there still is a chance.
If I were you I'd tell him that I can't continue to pretend to be friends. That you need to get over him and move on, and the only way to do that... is to go no contact.
YOU two are NOT friends. You still care very much for him, otherwise it would make you feel crappy when hearing his voice.
Let him go, don't let him hold you back from living your life.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (22 August 2015):
 That's an easy question. Ego is the main reason. You are familiar to him, and he knows you're at his beck and call. He knows your feelings for him, and so he hedges HIS future with you, which is dishonest and is using you.
How can YOU move on if you keep contact with him?? He's already made it clear that he doesn't want a relationship with you, but his ego doesn't want YOU moving on from him. So, he calls you, dangles possibly missing you in front of you like a carrot, keeps you at the ready in case you get together sexually, but doesn't actually offer you anything real when it comes to relationship material. He has his "girlfriend experience" without having any strings attached.
Where does that leave you? In a very unhealthy situation for you. You can't move on because you were rejected by him, yet he still dangles the carrot. Would you want to meet another guy who keeps regular contact with an ex-girlfriend? No way! Likewise, what guy would want you saddled with ex-boyfriend-sized emotional baggage?? Try none.
You must move on. If he missed you, he would tell you. Time is the greatest commodity you have, and he is sucking it from you. Move on all the way. You're in a new country. Time to turn the page on him and go no contact.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 August 2015): Because the girl got up and got on with her life!!And now hes trying to keep tabs on you. I would suggest quite honestly that you shift away a bit from being his new bezt friend because whilzt it nsy b gratifying for him its leaving you with mixed feelings.He dumped you right,but he's not actually prepared to let you go.So maybe you should drop voice calls at least,battery not charged, phone in wrong room, that kind of thing,so he gets to experience a bit of your downtime in the ..thats it shes too busy to need me sense...and get a bit slower at responding to texts etc ..and after that see hkw you feel and see if it offends him at all!
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