A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Please advice on this would be great!! I don't want to be swayed by the lads incase I'm wrong and do something stupid again.I dated this girl for a while just over 2 years ago, a long time now and she didn't know how strong my feelings for her when we were together, I never told her in fear she would back off and be scared. We ended it and not on great terms at all, my feelings for her were stronger than I expected and it made me panic and more so because I didn't thinks she felt the same, I knew staying with her I would fall in love with her and be hurt so stupidly I ended it. I didn't tell her why, I lied and said I didn't want this and I didn't feel like it was going anywhere and gave no other reason, I was very blunt and abrupt about it. Idiot move I know, but back then i was immature and I panicked, I already acted before I knew what I had done. I know I hurt her so much and she was upset, which as a result i ended up getting hurt anyways, knowing her sadness and hurt was caused by me!She didn't speak to me since and we had no contact, which didn't surprise me because why would you talk to someone who did that to you. But I wanted to contact her so much during the first year or run into her, she was the only girl I could think about. But I didn't because I knew she wouldn't want to hear from me, or see me so I accepted it and moved on. After a year of us ending it, she actually ended up moving to a different city for work, so there was no chance of running into her.Now it's been two and a bit years since we ended it, I got a message from her yesterday saying she's back home for a 2 weeks and asked if I wanted to go for a drink sometime? It was completely unexpected to the point where I haven't replied because I don't know yet what to say, or why she contacted me?I told the lads and they all said she probably wants to get back together, or that she still has feelings for me. But my sister said maybe she means go for drinks as friends and see how things have been since she's back.I still have some feelings for her of course, but now i'm thinking the guys are right that she probably wants to see me and talk about what happened or something to do with us and I don't want that. I don't want to bring up what happened and talk about it, it's in the past now and it's best left there.. My sister could be right about what she thinks it may be, but still i'm swayed that the guys are right! I can't help but think why would a girl that I hurt so much want to meet up after a couple years just 'to see how things were'? It doesn't make sense!What is your opinion on this? What would you think if you were in my situation and then got this message?
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 July 2014): I was in her shoes and I called the ex BF and met with him so that he could see what he lost out on and also the fact I wanted closure.He definitely regretted hurting me but also gave me the closure I wanted. He would also have loved to get back with me but I guess there is too much water under the bridge and we both are seeing different people , so getting back together was not an option.Sometimes when someone we love so much hurt us, its difficult to just close that chapter and meeting with the person helps us do exactly that. You don't owe her anything but since you have feelings for and she has opened the door why not try and reach out to her. If you cannot get back together, accept it as history but you sure can gain her friendship. I suggest you meet with her maybe just be honest and tell her the truth, it does make you weak or a smaller person, you will also feel a lot better and somewhat heal the hurt she still carries.
A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (21 July 2014):
 Okay, so two years ago, you were immature (your words), you panicked and flaked out on her. Are you still the immature flake you were 2 years ago? You write about what happened as if you regret what you did. So the real question is - is it true? Do you regret it? If you do, and if you believe that you are more mature than you were 2 years ago, you will do the right thing.
You also say that for the first year, you wanted to talk to her because of what you did to her, and then she moved away. Well, this is the chance you wanted for a year.
If you are no longer that immature flake who runs like a screaming infant at the sight of actual love, then here's what you do: You make it right by her. You tell her why you did what you did, and you don't shy away from any hint of it. This means you tell her that you did have feelings for her, but you were scared of them and you panicked because you'd thought that if you made yourself vulnerable to her, she'd reject you. Essentially, you tell her what you told us. THAT takes guts and bravery to do. You want to undo the hurt you caused her? There is is, right there.
As to why she's called you wanting a drink with you? It's probably for closure, and it's probably the amnesia/nostalgia that hits some people when they think of an ex and remember the good over the bad. And subconsciously, she might even have your number and may know that you were full of it two years ago.
Being honest will free you. It'll free her. It'll actually redeem the immature flake you were into the honest and mature person who is comfortable with himself and his feelings, because nobody would have done what you did if they weren't suffering from a near-clinical extremely low self-esteem. Only self-loathing would have caused someone to do that to a woman who cared for him. Do you really think that love is about putting on an act and being terrified of intimacy? Not at all. That whole panic and terror keeps guys from saying "I love you" to women they obviously do, and causes them to want to keep power in a relationship by not falling too hard. All of that is immaturity, and given your age, you need to let the high school in you go, and that includes checking with your buddies regarding every move you make. Are you your own man, or aren't you?
There's a saying that the truth will set you free. In the case of this girl you mistreated 2 years ago, your honest, vulnerable truth will set both of you free. It's scary and will make the flake in you want to run again, but what you decide will determine whether or not you are a man....or a mouse.
So what are you? Flakes are what you eat for breakfast, not what you are to the people who matter most to you.
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A
female
reader, Euphoric29  +, writes (21 July 2014):
Dear OP,
That this girl wants to meet you makes sense to me. Things between the both of you were unfinished and cut off without good reason. I suppose she wants closure, or to show you, show herself, that she finally can get over you.
Don't block this opportunity to see this woman that you loved. First of all, I feel that you owe it to her, because of the way you acted back then. Second of all, you might even have a good time. And third of all, you might get some closure out of it, as well. Get a chance to say everything that was left unsaid, get insight to what she found in you, what she liked about you.
What is the worst that could happen? That you will finally by honest with her? That she will know the truth - and maybe even forgive you? Because to know that you made a mistake and that you regretted it, it might give her peace. And if you're not too proud to speak your mind, who knows, maybe there is a 2% chance she still has feelings for you and that you will realize, in the moment when you see her, that you feel the same.
Look, I don't know what will happen, at all, I am not a fortuneteller. But I think it's good to find out and not panic again and overthink everything. Be spontaneous and see where it leads you.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (21 July 2014):
 Third option.
She never understood why you broke up with her, and she wants some sort of "closure".
Or she wants to show you what you "let go".
IF you want to met up then do so, If you have the NADS to explain why (if she asks) then do so. IF you do NOT really want to deal with the past AND her, then decline. You don't OWE her a closure or a meet-up. It is ENTIRELY up to you.
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A
female
reader, fitbabe1987  +, writes (21 July 2014):
guys are always wrong. u are wrong and ur friends are wrong. If she wanted u bak or talk about what happened, she wouldnt wait two years. O meet her and give her credit for WANTING to put the,past and ur behaviour behind her.
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