A
female
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anonymous
writes:I'm 20 and a Muslim and come from a traditional family. I don't talk to my dad even though we live in the same house and don't have a good relationship with my mum. In our culture, the family name comes first so you shouldn't do anything that brings shame.I've had a troubled childhood (suffered physical/sexual/emotional abuse) among other things. I'm not allowed to go out with friends, not allowed to work, weren't allowed to live out at uni so I didn't end up going coz the closest I applied to was 2 hours away. So I'm now doing an IT course at home. I'm fed up not being able to have a life. According to my family including extended family, women should stay at home and be the traditional housewife.. everything I don't want to be.I'm depressed because I'm not allowed to do anything! I wasn't even allowed to go to my prom and I'm not even allowed to go to the shops on my own or for a drive in the car for no reason at all! I'm feeling low every single day and I'm now considering running away because I can't take it anymore.Dilemma I have is, family is everything in our culture, no shame must be brought and running away will do this. I got an idea where I want to move to but I have no money coz I don't work and if I run away I can never come back to my hometown and my family.I desperately wanna live my life, work in IT or event mananagement and do photography alongside my career, but my family restrict me. I'm weak and hate the thought of what it will do to my family if I run away and knowing I won't be able to come back to my hometown where all my friends are is even more hurtful.What can I do? Someone with little courage and strength. Please help.
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female
reader, Emilysanswers +, writes (16 November 2008):
You don't give your age or location but I am from the UK so if you are from there then this may be helpful.
I know that you don't want to hurt your family but if seems that they are hurting you, and they can always blame you for everything as you won't be there to care.
Find out from google if there are any charities set up to help girls in your situation. I have heard of some helplines set up for people who are being forced into marriage so even if they can't help you then they may give you some hope at least.
Also see if there is any way to move to another area and get a council house. Or even a private room in a shared house that is cheap enough for you to afford. All you have to do is get some job, even waitressing or in a shop, and then you can pay rent and look for a better job.
If you are still young enough then there are lots of grants available to help you go to university, so that might be another option, then you can find somewhere to live from there.
I don't often advise people to run away, but if your parents have failed to protect you from abuse, and are keeping you a prisoner at home then it may be your only option. Plan it carefully in advance, don't just go tonight, even if it means hanging on till next september for uni then it will be better in the long run.
Would any of your friends help you and lend you money? If they can then do that, but don't tell anyone where you are going. Take their mobile numbers then when you have cash you can text them to know you are ok.
Good Luck!! xx
A
female
reader, Teacake  +, writes (16 November 2008):
 I guess it depends on what country you live in where help is available. I've heard much about girls in your situation. New ways vs old ways. There is nothing as strict as the Muslim religion and girls are basically nothing and honor is everything.
You are a very brave and courageous girl. From all I've heard about girls in strict Muslim backgrounds, they are less than dogs.So find a way to get as far away from them as possible. There is help, but we dont know the country you are living to give advise where you can find help.
You are obviously on your own, You want you own life and the family tradition is so strict that you will never have that.
Just know that you are not alone. Many people feel this way about their family no matter the religion. Black sheep of the family who need independent lives. Which is sad because you can not think of them in terms of family since they feel like strangers.
You need to save some money and travel to a place that seems interesting to you. Get into a school and have a plan about what you think might interest you for a career.
There are places that can help, but you havent said if this is something you need to get away from asap or if you have time.
There are people, organizations, that can offer help, but you have to make a total break and do it in a way they can never find you since honor killings are the norm.
Give us an up date for more ways to help you!!!!!!!!!!!
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A
female
reader, SirenaBlusera  +, writes (16 November 2008):
 I like Miss Potter's answer. I think it is excellent. It takes a lot of strength to get away from a situation like this, but I wish you the best of luck.
I am very anti-prejudiced and don't want to sound like a bigot but perhaps the Muslim faith is just not for you... I'm not sure where you live, and I don't mean to preach but are you happy in your faith? It's a personal choice and I am not proselytizing but a lot of people have found solace in the Catholic church, for example. Just a thought... but you have to decide for yourself.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 November 2008): I just want to say My Heart Goes Out to You! There's not much I can add to MissPotters' answer...it was excellent! Try what she has suggested, and don't give up on your dreams! You don't deserve to live like that! You are living in a virtual prison, and you don't deserve it!
Good Luck and I hope you find a way!
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A
female
reader, Miss Potter +, writes (16 November 2008):
 Hello, this sounds really horrible, but I guess I cant say anything else as I come from a christian family.
One thing I want to point out - you talk about bringing shame to your family and all those honorable things, that is quite ok, what is not ok is "(suffered physical/sexual/emotional abuse)", if your family is so protective, why havent they protected you from all of this???? That is called hypocrisy!
If you are really serious about living your life the way you want it, you will have to move away as far as possible from your family. It would help if you had any friends with whom you would be able to stay for the first couple of months, getting a job of course, it would probably be something basic, a cleaner, waitress that kind of thing, and renting out your own place (here in the uk the cheapest way is to rent a room in a house with other people, which could be something from 40 to 60 pounds per week/80 to 120 dollars per week).
You will have to work out some sort of a plan, if you do not have any friends that you can stay with the last resort would be calling social services where you will most probably get some sort of support and advice, actually you are probably better off calling them in the first place and finding out what can they do for you, you are litterally living in a prison with comfort though I have to say.
Anyway, I wish you all the best, you will need a lot of luck and determination to get out of this vicious circle your family has created for you.
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