A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I am a 31 year old guy who has been in a steady relationship for 3 years with a woman who has a young daughter. I have grown close to her and especially the daughter.. The father is not involved in her life at all and never has been so she sees me as her dad. We have had somewhat of a rocky relationship.. we don't agree on everything, she is somewhat jealous and at times has accused me of cheating, ect.. when in fact i was nothing but a good man.. we have had somewhat of a long distance relationship for most of our relationship.. she lived in an apt and i lived downstairs in my parents house for about a year trying to get my life on track.. we spent our time living at the apt and in my parents house.. I recently purchased a house with the intention of us moving in together.. i worked hard working, looking for homes, fixing the house, ect.. we had a fight last week about her moving here and how she hasn't helped me much with anything as far as the house goes.. she took off to go blow off some steam and stay with her cousin in another state.. while she was there we spoke and i layed down some ground rules on what i need from her.. i needed her to get some kind of income, be more understanding, easy going and just more help in general.. she agreed and came back.. in the house for 4 days and she tells me she thinks she wants to move to her cousins permantely b/c it is nicer there, less expensive , ect ect.. i was shocked and angry on how someone could just come out with this out of the blue.. no talk, no plan, just get up and leave with a 7 year old! i told her to leave and she did.. She has been calling and crying for 3 days on how sorry she is, how she loves me, how she wants to be with me how she wishes i could come with her.. she wants to talk , she wants to "visit", she wants to be with me for the holidays? she says she wants me, she just doesn't want "everything else" that is here.. aka, being around my family a lot b/c i live close by and i am very close with them.. she gets along with everyone, but she doesn't want to be this physically close to everyone? she would love to for it to be just me her and the child by oursleves somewhere. i mean i just can't leave my family and i wouldn't. i am sad that she left, but i just don't get what is going on here.
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male
reader, oldfool  +, writes (17 November 2008):
 Just an extra note, this speaks volumes about you: "I for some reason or another find it hard to say goodbye in life though..I get this overwhelming feeling like 'wow, all that time and effort and intimacy, just gone in a flash' and then on to the next"
You are definitely a softy! I can see why you find it so hard to break with this unreasonable woman.
Sometimes you have to write things off. There is the expression "throw good money after bad". The same applies to efforts, time, and feelings. The first poster was right: "... cut your losses at this point. This risks becoming a cycle of infinite repeat."
A
male
reader, oldfool +, writes (17 November 2008):
Thanks for telling us a bit more about this.
I am very sure that only someone who is generous and noble of spirit could be so good as you are to her. That is why you are in this situation. Sometimes our own goodness can be our own worst enemy. I know it is useless to try and talk you out of being generous, and frankly I wouldn't want to. I am just concerned that your own generous nature is part of what is keeping you with her, and not just love.
Since every case is different, I'm also sure that your situation is quite different from my friend's, which was again quite different from mine. But I do feel that the "do good" attitude is a common factor, and it is this desire to do good that can lead to poor judgement and often quite distressing and destructive results.
I suspect (and since I don't know her, I may be way off the mark) that she knows exactly how to appeal to your generous nature. There are people who are very good at doing that. There seems to be a worrying disconnect between her words and her deeds. Despite her great protestations of love, it is her own actions that are taking her away from you.
If your own goodness of spirit won't allow you to relinquish her, I can only suggest you find out exactly what SHE wants you to do. Rather than you laying down the ground rules (which she won't keep anyway), try and find out what the problem is (not the cost of living, that is just an excuse!), and try and get her to identify what SHE would consider an acceptable commitment and an acceptable situation. If you follow what she says you might end up having to sell your house to go and live with her in another state. But I don't think that would solve the issue. Quite frankly, I believe she would only let you down again -- that is my gut instinct. I don't think the problem is on your side.
I would be very interested in what insight other aunts can bring to this. I don't think I'm off the mark here, but I'm sure there are other perspectives that I'm missing. I wish you luck and hope you can come to some kind of outcome. Your situation at the moment sounds very distressing.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 November 2008): Old fool...I first just have to give you a heart felt "thank you"..for you to take the time to answer and try to figure things out is really appreciated and needed. I took in everything you said and I think on many points you may be correct. I don't see myself as giving "charity" or feeling bad, I think I just do it by nature. There are many good things about this woman and I know she is an angel inside, but her problems prevent her from achieveing happiness. I thought I could give her the security and hence the happiness she needs. I for some reason or another find it hard to say goodbye in life though..I get this overwhelming feeling like "wow, all that time and effort and intimacy, just gone in a flash" and then on to the next..it seems so, i don't know the word, fake maybe? like people today come and go and are so confused about life and how to live and what they want, i just feel like going on to the next one would never change this cycle. I stayed with her out of love, I did..I do adore the little girl who I have grown close too and my heart is broken to think they go out into this world without me (my selfish side coming out again, i know). I am a very capable person..I have worked hard to get where I am and my profession (fireman) causes me to always feel the need to "take charge" and "get things done" and "make it right", which is maybe my downfall in the end. also, believe it or not my family is really great, which i feel sometimes is a negative! so many people don't have a family like mine and many don't understand the bond or closeness i have with them b/c they never experienced it themselves. all in all i think you are right, she wants the good, but not the bad..one last question..why does she call now like nothing is going on..same "i love you", "wish you could be with me", "i want to talk", " i don't want to be with anyone else"..i mean she actuallly went through the trouble of trying to explain to me she doesn't consider us not together? i mean this is just a real mess...
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A
male
reader, oldfool +, writes (16 November 2008):
OK, now you've given us some more detail, I think I can see the problem. This is something that a friend of mine warned me about many years ago. I didn't take any notice of what he said and have paid dearly for my mistake. The problem lies in your motivation:
"I just don't know..i wanted to take her out of that life with this house..i gave her the opportunity..i told her she could go back to school while living in a stable household, ect..i just feel so bad..i keep taking her back under the premise that she doesn't have anyone else and that i feel for the child"
What my friend warned me 20 years ago was, "Don't take a women in some kind of 'do-good' spirit". He made that mistake, marrying a girl who was the daughter of a madam in a bar (not in a Western country). The father had long disappeared. He felt sorry for her and thought that together they could make something of her life. Instead, through her irresponsible and selfish behaviour (which I won't detail here) she eventually caused great unhappiness both to him and to their two children.
I came into a similar situation more recently. A woman who I felt attracted to had a lot of problems, including a child. Without me, her life would have been absolutely wretched. I wanted to give her a secure household and the chance to be a good wife and mother. To my frustration, she wasn't able to properly rise to the occasion.
It seems to me that you are committing the same kind of error as my friend and me. It's tempting to help someone who is unfortunate, to give them a chance in life, but it's a mistake on several counts.
First, this is your life. You are not a charitable institution, and you can't fix the world. You should want to be with a person because you love them, not because you want to fix their lives, no matter how miserable they are and how blameless they may seem.
Secondly, if you think of it, it is a kind of arrogance to think that your great generosity can turn a person's life around. Naturally you don't think of yourself as arrogant, and neither did I, but in doing this for her there is a kind of condescension, a feeling of superiority involved. You are not a god, and despite the temptation to think "I can really make a difference in this person's life", that is not the basis on which to build a stable marriage.
Thirdly, your feeling that you could single-handedly turn her life around may have overcome your good judgement. If you look at her behaviour, you can see that many things in her life were caused not by circumstance, but by her own decisions. If a person can't wake up to themselves, no matter how many opportunities you give them, it is a waste of your money, your time, your emotion, and your life.
Fourthly, no matter how much of a basket-case she may seem, she has her pride. No one can live with another person in the knowledge that she is being treated as a charity. No doubt you don't think of it like that. But I suspect she is quite aware of how your family regard her and her relationship with you.
If the above seems harsh, it's because I've been through something remotely similar. And I plead guilty on all counts.
I would suggest that you leave this woman to her own devices. She obviously has no idea what the right thing to do is, and she's not going to live up to your expectations. She doesn't want to share her life with you; she merely enjoys your generosity without feeling the need to truly change her life. She wants the "good bits" without the sacrifice. And I think she also feels uncomfortable moving into your life on the terms that you've offered.
Although she may plead and cry, she's not really willing to change her life. The more time and effort you pour into this, the more it will be wasted. So instead of wasting just one person's life (hers), you will be wasting two (your own as well). Better to find someone who really appreciates you and can work towards a better life for both herself and you. I'm afraid that this woman isn't going to do that.
Anyway, that's my view of the problem. If you have any questions, send me a private message and I can discuss this in more detail
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 November 2008): my family treated her and her daughter like gold in my eyes..i have a somewhat of a traditional family and they were skeptical of me being with someone who has a child. they met her and took to her as if it were their own. my brothers, aunts , uncles all treated them great. the only problem that i saw was that she did not get along with one of my brothers girlfriends for reasons i could not understand. she made this hard for me b/c she would complain about family functions we had to attend or about how it was going to be when she lived here and my brother and his girlfriend wanted to come over..i feel i was being torn a little b/c of her feelings..my bothers girfriend never did anything to her, she just didn't like her personailty..my family i think pulled back a little when they saw her not involved with the house so much, not taking a job up here, not being 100% into it..you have to realize that my family was helping me finish the house b/c they were concerned about her child starting school on time!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 November 2008): I agree with all of you and I thank you so much for the advice. As far as buying the house goes, I did not get 100% of her input when buying it b/c it was just not practical. we are not married yet, she was not contributing money to the down payment, and she (i felt) is just not in the position to fully decide things like that at this time..I don't mean to sound controlling, but of course I am a little. I have two great jobs, a great family and I have been living in this area for 5 years..I did so much research on the schools, ect..this area is second to none to raise a child and I just didn't feel that she would take the care enough to find out all the details about an area as I did. You have to understand that I have watched this girl move from her moms, to her aunts, to her own apt then back to her moms..i was hauling ass to buy a house to get her out of the situation and she knew that! i thought most of her problems were caused by just having a tough time in life..nobody, including her parents ever gave here anything, ,she never had the opportunity to go to college b/c she had a child early, ect..she has had jobs here and there , but then left them for various reasons..i'm not too sure how she supports herself..she works for a while , saves some money and then takes off for months..I just don't know..i wanted to take here out of that life with this house..i gave her the opportunity..i told her she could go back to school while living in a stable household, ect..i just feel so bad..i keep taking her back under the premise that she doesn't have anyone else and that i feel for the child..i mean i just don't know what to do..now she is crying to me in another state asking if she made the right decision!
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A
male
reader, oldfool +, writes (16 November 2008):
My feeling is this: This woman wants the "good bits" without the "bad bits".
I don't know about your decision-making process, how you decided on buying the house, etc. Didn't she know where the house was before you got it ready? Maybe you're a bit "controlling", as the previous poster suggested. But given that you're making all the effort here, you are also entitled to your say. She doesn't sound like she's contributed much, apart from putting in a veto after everything came together. It would be useful if you provided a bit more detail.
As to what you should do, my personal feeling is that you should cut her loose. She is going to continue to give you trouble, take what she wants and reject what she doesn't want. I don't think it is worth it. You have a house and an income. Find a woman who can appreciate it.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 November 2008): we are forgetting here that we are hearing only one side of the story.
Why were you trying to get back on track?what happened to you?If she doesn't have a job how is she supporting herself and daughter.
you seem like a sort of man who is emotionally controlling and is very judgmental.It would be very difficult for a spirited woman to take it.
Did you discuss with her before buying a house?
Has your family accepted her?Did she and your family have problems when you were living in your parent's house?
Honest answers to this question will help understand the situation much better.
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A
female
reader, Teacake +, writes (16 November 2008):
 She sounds like a spoiled brat.Too much drama. She wants you to take care of her and her cousins? That's what it sound like. Is she from another country? Sounds like a desperate woman who needs a really nice but gullible and naive man to take care of her. You are in for hell if you don't get rid of her now. What does she do for you exactly other than drama?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 November 2008): You've worked hard for what you've gotten! She does sound immature and irresponsible. There is someone out there who would actually appreciate what you have and what you've done!
It's never too late to start over! Find yourself a good woman!
good luck!
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A
female
reader, Miss Potter  +, writes (16 November 2008):
 Oh wow.
Well the first thing that came to my mind was - have you talked to her about getting a house and moving in with you before actually doing it? Was she ok with it? I mean she lived there in the same city/state with you anyway, so she new what the prices were like anyway, so I dont really get why she would say everything is expensive, I guess it is just an excuse...
I take it that she does not work, so how does she support herself and her child?
I am sorry to say this, but she sounds like a rather immature person, which is unfortunate for you, as you have worked hard to get the house and renovate it.
If you are thinking of taking her back - IF IT COMES TO THAT, i think it is best to wait until she proves that she is capable of making adult decisions i.e. getting a job at least!
If you are so close with your family I guess the subject of moving elsewhere is not an option. And well, by the sounds of it, she is not the type of person for who I personally would consider sacrificing my family for.
She needs to figure out what she wants herself, and then prove that she is an adult. If she is uncapable of doing this, dont waste your time, find someone who will be on the same side of the fence with you on major issues like running the household, work and how to raise children.
Best of luck
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A
male
reader, mof +, writes (16 November 2008):
The one I feel sorry for is the poor child, dragged around the country on a whim. Secondly, you Sir have my sympathy. From reading your description of the events leading up to situation that you now face I can not see anything that you have done wrong, I doubt that I would have done anything differently.
Can you give this lady a chance? Part of me urges you too, my philosophy is that at times we all 'need' a chance.. However there are two considerations. The best interests of the child being paramount, and your own mental health. What would be different this time? Has she offered anything tangible other then words via a long distance phonecall to make you think she wants to be with you?
The sensible, unromantic side of me, suggests that you cut your losses at this point. This risks becoming a cycle of infinite repeat.
I suggest that you ask yourself, do you love her enough to help her see, that moving a child across the country as and when she cahnges her mind about the 'expense' of living with a partner is not acceptable? Do you value your own mental health... If she came back to you, would you have that trust in her, or be wondering how long it would be before she replied?
Whatever choice you make, and it sounds a difficult one, please accept my wishes that it is the right one for you.
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