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female
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anonymous
writes: I've been with my boyfriend for nearly 3 years and we have lived together for 2 years. I met him through work (I now work elsewhere) and trained him in his job. He is 6 years younger than me (I am 35) and the physical side of relationship is fine, he is affectionate and loving, but my main problem is that because when we first started going out I was expected to pay for everything, also drive him home to his Mum's. (He was with me for over a year before I met his Mum and brothers) and my Mum can't stand him because of they way he treated me financially. However after a long talk and of course him moving in, the money situ is better but next year his brother is getting married and his Gran suggested I meet up with her, which was pretty decent of her considering she has never met me. That's my bug bear, he visits her every week, we swap small gifts at birthdays etc, but we were near her house last wk and he wouldn't take me. I don't see how he can expect me to go with anyone when I haven't met them. He assures me there are no problems but I know he has introduced a previous gf of only 4 months to all family. I have reached the stage I don't know if I love him anymore. He says he loves me and would do anything for me (he's not really into clubbing, likes home), I know my own Mum would prob disown me if she even knew I was seeing him again. But I feel so left out when i haven't met his Gran who obv is important when he sees her every wk. Am I just building this out of proportion or do I have valid cause for concern? I have raised this with him, but he just said it would happen but as I said, we were in her part of town at weekend and he didn't even say to go there. Please help as I feel so confused. Any advice is appreciated. Hope it's not too much of a babble. Thanks
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 February 2006): I feel for you, I can tell you from experience it never changes, you will hear lame excuses, promises of change infact, everything you want to hear will fall from his lips but it wont make an iota of difference, I wasted so much time, hoping and hoping, being fed story after story, reason after reason. You start to think there must be something wrong with you, it knocks your self esteeem.I ended up feeling extremely stupid and very used. At the end of the day, if he truely loved you he would have introduced you to his family within the first 6 months and made you part of his life.I walked away after 3 painful years, it really hurt and guess what, to this day i wouldnt know his family if i walked right past them.He isnt going to commit to you, he is keeping his options open and using you for the time being. You are trying to keep it together because you have invested 3 years of your life in this relationship.Its a poor investment, you deserve so much better, he doesnt respect you and is putting you last. I suggest you put yourself first and walk away - run preferably!!!!I know its hard and i know you love him otherwise you wouldnt have asked for help but what is the point in loving someone who doesnt include you in their life, Its a tough one isnt it, but then again it would be even tougher if he found another option and left you, and who would you tell..... His family?
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 October 2005): Well he might not have wanted to just turn up with you at his grans without giving her warning as some people like to know before hand to get things ready especially grans they like to get a tea ready and make someone feel very welcome..talk to him tell him how it is making you feel..tell him you want to be included in the other parts of his life including spending time with his family as it is very important to you because they are important to him..thing is you cant really say much as your own mum doesnt know about this relationship being back on.
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 October 2005): My dear-Ask yourself these questions? "Why do I want to stay with a man who is behaving in this disrespectful, horrid manner towards me? Why do I want to remain with to someone who obviously doesn’t care enough about me to be honest?" How many more chances can you give him? You sound like a wonderfully, nice woman but being that way does not give him (or anyone) the "right" to walk all over you. His saying “I’m sorry, I want another chance" isn’t enough, dear. That still doesn’t mean the problem has disappeared--because it hasn’t. Don’t delude yourself into believing the coast is clear and think that he’s going to be respectful and devoted to you. If this guy really loved & respected you and truly doesn’t want to lose you, he would've made positive changes when you gave him his 1st chance, a long time ago. You've given him 3 chances already...what kind of message does that tell him? That you are always willing to take him back, irregardless of how he treats you. Set some groundrules, you might even gain some respect from him and feel better about yourself if you stand your ground, dear. It's obvious that you've talked this subject to death with him, and he's still not willing to change his behavior. This guy has too 'lame' many excuses to not do right by you, and is taking you for granted. If you have given him a week's 'time limit' to get out, then assure that he does leave. He can stand on his own two feet, can support & live on his own, without you coming in to rescue him, emotionally. Stop doing that-because you can't fix him. Chalk up your three years with him to a learning experience and simply, move forward. I'm betting once you are out of the situation for a while and dating others, you'll be able to get past this with a minimum of pain. If you have to, you may have to resort to help from the a male relative or the police, if he doesn't leave. When he leaves...change the locks immediately. Good luck, girl and stay strong.
Hugs
Irish
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female
reader, Mistystarr +, writes (15 October 2005):
 Thanks guys for your advice, your right Irish there is a lot more to it but I thought time might help and I have already discussed this at length with him. Last night we had another "talk" and I told him that I'd had enough of being left out etc and he had to move out. Of course, he said he'd change. When I asked for a good reason why not inviting me to Grans / or us going out as a couple to parties together he said he was scared of what people wouldthink of age gap gap(I'm a very young looking 35 year old and he does look his age)when I answered I dont care wot others think as they done "keep" me he then said he did want us to go out but was scared other guys would hit on me. I now see he has real problems and told him so and he should move out as I see that after 2 1/2 yrs and many discussions nothing has changed now tonight he wants to take me to dinner but I feel so let down with everything I don't think it will matter anymore. I am trying to be strong and stick to my guns but what do I do if he just wont go. I've givenhim a week to move his stuff out but I feel I might have to resort to real threats if he wont go. I wish now i had read the signs earlier but don't want to waste any more of my time and find someone who wil respect and love me the way I deserve.
Am I doing the right thing? After all, this would be about his 4th chance. How many are you expeced to give? Thanks for "listening" guys.
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 October 2005): The physical aspects of this relationship may be okay but how are the emotional aspects, dear? It takes a equally giving emotionally balanced relationship to make it go, in a healthy way.
First of all, no matter the circumstances, he should "not" enter into a relationship until he can financially pay his own way. That was a clear indicator that pride may be lacking and was using you as a 'doormat'. That was your first clue...never allow a guy to let you 'pay' everything. Most guys have way too much inner pride to live off a woman. Although it sounds like you resolved that issue, something tells me, (a little inner voice) that he is mistreating you in more ways than you care to explain here, in this forum. Not taking you to meet his Gran, when you are in close vicinity, is one thing-that wasn't nice-but there has to be more, for you to say 'I don't know if I love him anymore' I get the feeling you are having disappointment after disappointment with this man and you are at the end of your rope.
Hun, you are having repeated personality and emotional conflicts with this guy which is meaning large amount of emotional pain for you. I think you are doing the giving and he's just simply "taking". Think it's time for you to seriously re-evaluate this relationship and begin getting tougher with him. Respect, dear...is crucial in an relationship and he is lacking. You must choose harmony instead of conflict in a loving relationship if you truly want long-term, and consistent happiness. Unfortunately, a lot of men only want as much pleasure as they can get with the least amount of work, time, or commitment. The best that they want is a part-time girlfriend with occasional exceptions of romance, but only on their terms. If there is no promise of him becoming a true full-time partner, showing his pride in you by inviting you to meet his Gran, (and you been together 3 years!) then you have to realize that he's not interested in giving fully and going all the way in this relationship sense. And you have to ask, is this grief and pain really worth it. There is nothing simple about men whether it is trying to catch them or understand them. But an intelligent approach to laying down some boundries with him and defining 'exactly' what you will tolerate and not stand for will lead you in the right direction toward respect,love and happiness and away from this suffering. Quite frankly, I wouldn't put up with this-and you need to either "kick him to the curb" or "tell him to pull it together". No excuses...just do it, hun.
Hugs, Irish
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reader, pops +, writes (14 October 2005):
You are not confused. YOu just won't recognize and act on what you know is the truth. He does not love you, and does not respect you, so he has not introduced you to his family. He is keeping his " options " open. Drop him, and find a guy who will respect you.
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