A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi, i have been dating my bf in person for just over 4 mths, as we met online last December.Since we met online, we both knew we had something very special unfolding between us and after meeting in person, those feelings only solidified and grew even stronger and we both know that we are going to grow as a couple, as we are so positive, happy and comfortable in eachothers company.The main issue here, for me is that, as much as my bf adores me and he tells me almost every day, he still has not rung me @ home between our regular meetings.We always communicate through texts daily, emails, or when we meet in person, which is every weekend and i always sleep over @ his home now.I did approach him in a non demanding manner regarding this some weeks ago and he replied with something under the lines of,I haven't rung you @ your home, bec i wasn't sure how you'd feel abt that, or something like, i didn't know if you'd be comfortable or feel comfortable with me ringing you @ yr home, bec i know how busy you are with work etc; I didn't wish to pressure, nor bother you.My bf tells me he misses me so much each week, that he yearns to see me, when we are apart, so i can only question why he wouldn't ring me @ home between our physical meetings, if he truly misses me.I consider myself an intelligent person, yet i won't lie, this confuses me somehow.Also, he has mentioned to me on so many occassions that i am welcome @ his home whenever i feel like going there and he would like us to spend more time together, between our weekly get togethers, (always weekends) and the past 3 to 4 wks, i have been spending Wednesday nights there too, which has been great and i feel us growing closer.Last week i could not go there, as he had a work function to attend, so i went home straight after work, which was perfectly fine, as we both love our respective social lives too.We both feel, that if we are to get married in the near future, then obviously we need to start preparing for that now and there is no better way in which to do so, than by spending extended time together, so we can see what living together will actually be and feel like.He tells me i can turn up whenever i wish to, so by that, i gather i don't really require a formal invitation to see him mid week, but i do feel a bit uncomfortable about that, bec what if i turn up @ his home and he has to go out or he isn't even there??He tells me every single week that he will give me the key to his home, as his home is my home and what is his, is also mine. I do believe all he tells me, bec we are both of mature age and we have both been in numerous long term relationships before, so we know what we want and where we are @ presently, however, he keeps forgetting to give me his house keys, so that i am free to come and go as i please, not that i even would, because as a nurse, i am very busy and i actually love staying @ my own home some days.It is just that it's important to me, to know that he does wish to spend this extra time together and that he really does want me around and not just for 1 night per week, which i do not like.I do trust him, although i come across as very suspicious, but it is more a matter of how i approach him, without making him feel pressured in any way, as we are both onto someting so positive and so good here.I know i have the courage to ask him anything, as he is so loving, patient, kind and above all understanding, but i wanted to post these questions on Dear Cupid first, to get some advice and gain some extra clarity into my feelings here.Do any readers believe, that i have reason to be concerned, regarding my wishing to spend more weekly time together and regarding my bf never ringing me @ home, just to hear my voice?(As i said before, he tells me he misses me so much weekly and he says i am welcome anytime @ all, even if he has to go out or go to work, so i do feel confused).I cannot help thinking about the saying, "Words are Cheap".Any positive feedback would be greatly appreciated.Thank you in advance!
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 August 2014): How about you giving him a call when you feel like it?
He invites you to his house, emails you regularly, and sends you daily text messages. You see each other in-person every weekend.
He leaves you an open-invitation to come-over whenever you please. You feel uncomfortable about that, but not about rushing to take a set of house-keys.
Offering you keys now is too soon. You're also thinking too far ahead for only being together for only four months. Keep pushing and crowding, and he'll have second-thoughts. You're rushing the process. These things should happen in phases.
Take time to get to know each other better. This is only the early trial-phase of a new relationship. Don't be so quick to takeover his life. Don't be offended, read on.
Do you want to know what seems to be a very general or common problem many women in new relationships seem to have, who write DC?
They start seeing "marriage" in the future with men they've only known a short while. They start making big demands too soon. Setting high expectations. Seeing how things will be way off into the future. Having families and homes.
You're still in the court-ship phase!!!!!
It's not all about what you want. He has some say as well. You start making a man feel cornered, and he'll high-tail it out of your life. Men have rights within relationships too. We also have a right to use our own judgment, and to take our time to evaluate people we've invited into our lives. Not let them just rush right-in; because we've shown them we're fond of them.
Relationships that last are between two people who know and trust each other. Just because you're mature, doesn't mean he has to rush to the alter with you.
Don't start getting it in your head that he has to do a big list of things to prove things to you. What have you done to prove yourself worthy of so many demands? You must not be selfish or greedy. He has shown good-faith the whole time.
You want it to last, you had better pace yourself. He just
might not be as wonderful as you think he is.
Go head and rush the deal. You'll see what I've said will come to pass. Let others tell you he should do this and that to prove things to you. Well, he doesn't know you well enough yet to offer you a set of keys. It's his house, and he'll do it when he's good and ready. As you should not offer him keys until you are absolutely certain you trust him enough. You would have complete access to his private records and his valuables, and he hasn't known you for very long!
Let over-zealous female-friends tell you otherwise, and they'll set you up to lose what you've already brilliantly accomplished. I know your girlfriends are partially responsible for what you're thinking. Watch-out, they could be jealous!!!
You'll be told he's dragging his feet.
Whose running a race?
Never make a man think you're trying not to let him getaway. He'll flee!!! Relationships are built with patience and compromise. They become stronger as trust is built between you. It is earned, not demanded. You feel yourself getting anxious, take a deep-breath. You shouldn't fall for any man too hard, or too fast.
Give a little and take a little. He should be allowed time to feel secure in his own feelings about you. Then you'll know if what he feels is real, or he's doing things because you pressured him to.
Slow your roll and take it as it comes. You're not the only one figuring-out this relationship.
A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (4 August 2014):
 Talking about marriage is premature. He needs to spend more effort dating you and getting to know you. Not talking on the phone for 4 months is not normal, unless he has a case of phone phobia. The idea of living together and not breaking up again is seductive but what you see is what you get, meaning even when you are living together you don't see him much. I don't think he keeps on forgetting his keys but rather, you questioned him not ringing so he says he's giving you the keys in order for you to trust him. He has nothing to hide, no wife at home, etc. After he has time to think it through he knows it's not a good idea because you might be in his house looking at all his stuff.
Also he's talking about you being at his place to make you think that he's about long term. That would slow down the break up process as you get frustrated just being a weekend girlfriend. That's just a possibility.
I think he's not talking on the phone because he would rather not let you know what he's doing on weeknights. The conversations would be about how to get together more and he's trying to avoid that. He's rationing time once a week. For what reasons we can only guess. Maybe he's tired at night and saving energy for the weekend. Maybe he is the type that needs to go real slow. He treats people as he wants to be treated. If he tells you he doesn't want to pressure you and bother you, a phone call would do exactly that, bother him.
You are specifically asking for positive feedback as I am sure you already know what the negative ones are. Instead of pursuing him why not do the opposite? Stop wanting to talk to him between meetings. What he's doing is casual. Giving you the keys does not change that fact. Stay at his pace, then decide if this is enough for you to keep you happy.
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