A
male
age
51-59,
*omewhere86
writes:Well I guess this is a common issue and has been answered many times before but here it goes..Last night I found my partner going through my mobile phone text messages. Well I found that my phone light was on and it was clear she had just put it down on the table. I asked her if she was checking my phone and she said yes and merely picked it up again and started searching through again. She seemed a little taken aback and embarrased but she is able to face out all sorts of situations quite well. I don't mind if she wants to read my texts but she guards her phone carefully and in the past hs lied about who she is seeing and where she has been etc which has come out because she forgets what she has told me and then later a slightly different version appears.There is no reason for her to suspect me. I am not having an affair. I don't really have female friends and I rarely meet up with the friends I have.My partner of nearly 7 years has many friends/acquaintances who she sees regualarly. She also sees guys, icluding her ex's, for coffees and meals etc without me knowing. This has created friction between us as I find lack of communication unhelpful in a commtted relationship, not to mention undermining. I don't know much about her daily routines (I am not really allowed to ask) because I work full time and she mostly does not work.We have had quite a few ups and downs but are still together.
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male
reader, somewhere86 +, writes (12 February 2012):
somewhere86 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI want to thank you for your replies and return an update. Yesterday I discovered my partner was looking at my laptop but there were no windows open. I just saw a window closing as I walked in and she mus have closed it in a hurry. I made light of it as I didn't want her to become defensive. I asked her what she was googling etc - she said oh nothing really and started searching for something. She then informed me that my password was still the same. I set this password in 2008 so she must have remembered it from then. I'm not sure what she was doing but I use my laptop mostly for work and there is quite a lot of data on it. I don't have anything to hide and I don't mind tha she knows my password but I would prefer that she asks first. She was a little taken aback when I found her at my computer.
A
male
reader, T.R.  +, writes (10 February 2012):
People who don't trust themselves (or can't be trusted) usually can't trust others either... Whether it's projection of the behavior on other people or whether it's a weird sort of seeking justification for one's own behavior - the result is the same.
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A
female
reader, Deagan +, writes (10 February 2012):
 Cerberus is dead on. The fact that she is checking your phone makes it clear that she's checking to see if you're just as guilty as she is.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (9 February 2012):
 I agree with Cerberus that she's projecting her behaviors on to you... that she's the one with stuff to hide...
After 7 years you don't know much about her daily routines?
I'd say you don't have much of a relationship with her and I'd strongly rethink staying with her.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 February 2012): i would not nesscesarily say she is cheating. Some people are just very secretive, and suspcious and since she has comminuaction problems, her behaviour is about the norm to someone like that, and she may be a lair who is used to telling silly lies and forgets what she has said,. this does not mean she is cheating. Don;t upset yourslef with that thought. She obviouysly cares about you enough to check your phone ( not syaing it is right) but just can;t sit donw and be opne. My partner is the same, but I donlt htink he is cheating. Why not try writing her an email and see what she says or writes back? I'm sure she does show her lover for you in other ways?? xx
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 February 2012): No communication, very secretive, suspicious of what you're doing, checking up on you. Seems you have more downs than ups OP.
Forget about her checking your texts, to me that screams she's projecting her own behaviour onto you. Cheaters are very often insecure that their partner is cheating on them, don't know why. I guess it's the same thing as how thieves are always so much more protective of their belongings and suspicious of other people stealing their stuff.
OP it sounds to me like you don't really have a relationship here. No communication is not undermining OP, it's a complete destruction of a relationship. Without that there is nothing but the superficial aspect of the relationship. Can you tell us anything to convince us that this is not somehow just a partnership of convenience rather than love? Because I see nothing to suggest that at all.
You have some major issues with this woman and you can't resolve them because you can't communicate with her, how is that going to work OP? It's not, so that needs to be addressed and it needs to be fixed now. Relationship counselling may help if she doesn't agree to sorting out that whole aspect of your relationship then you don't actually have a relationship and you're with her for the wrong reasons. Is her checking your messages a bigger issue than that?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 February 2012): No doubt what she has done is an invasion of your privacy, and betraying your trust as you have not given her any reason to suspect you of anything.
You will need to determine what motivated your girlfriend’s behavior? Is it because SHE is doing questionable things and is transferring that to you, so by snooping she confirms her suspicions are not valid.
Was she cheated on in the past by someone else? A prior incident could be a reason. She obviously wanted to make sure this was not the case now.
It's unfair because she guards her phone, and has lied about who she is seeing, where she goes, etc.
You will need to communicate your thoughts and feelings on this to her, or else you will continue to feel undermined. You've been patient for 7 years, but clearly it's causing more and more friction between you, and needs resolution.
If you've spoken about it in the past and nothing changed, then perhaps it's time to bring in the professionals, to attain the happy committed relationship you deserve.
Best Wishes
xxxx E
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 February 2012): An unfaithful spouse might conclude that everyone is unfaithful, since this would reflect his or her own experiences. As a defense mechanism, this allows people to feel more comfortable about themselves because they think they see traits in common with others.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 February 2012): I could write you an essay, but I will keep it brief. She does not seem reasonable enough to sit down and sort things out with. It does`nt take rocket science to work out. Dump her and find someone else.
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A
male
reader, zedd +, writes (9 February 2012):
So... I think checking your phone is not the biggest issue, I mean I would be more bothered by the lies and the lack of communication. This is really not a combination you would want in a relationship. And what do you mean you are "not allowed to ask" about her day? If she does nothing wrong, then why not? I think checking your phone is just the tip of the iceberg here, this woman is simply not honest with you, that is what would worry me in general, just try to see the bigger picture.
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