A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I know from little conversations we've had here and there that my boyfriend had much more experimental sex with his ex. Questions like: have you done this or that before? To which he might say yes.. We have a great sex life anyway, he tells me I'm his best but it makes me insecure that he's reminisces about her. Why do you think he isn't as experimental with me? I dress up for him and do things for him that he loves because we both enjoy it. I know that I find it very hard to orgasm and it disappoints him that he can't do it for me most times but I don't mind!!! I still enjoy it .. What do u think? I know he wants to marry and have kids with me, do you think he doesn't mind not doing everything straight away because we have plenty of time to do it? He had a tumultuous relationship with this girl and it took him a long time to get over her. He told me once he thought that she was the one that got away until he met me.. (I ask too many qns by the way!)
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (24 February 2014):
 I used to be a swinger. when I met my current husband I was active in the lifestyle.
Now we are totally monogamous. I'm NOT the way I am now because I was any happier then.. in fact, my sex life sucks the big one... but experimenting... it's over and done for me.
my spouse accepts that the sex life we have now is what I want and he's ok with it and does not question WHY I am the way I am now. IT is what it is.
WHY isn't he EXPERIMENTING more WITH YOU? well he's BTDT... if you want to try something have you ASKED HIM if he would do it with you?
If my spouse asked me to do something he had never tried that I knew I didn't MIND doing but did not care if I did or did not do it. I'd do it. FOR HIM.... but I have NO NEED for anything else now.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 February 2014): First and foremost, stop asking questions about things you can't handle. Don't poke your nose where it doesn't belong.
Sometimes men have a habit of making open comparisons not realizing the insensitivity of it. He may also be fueling your jealousy, in order to make you more adventurous.
Egging you on to show him you can outdo her. That's cheap psychology, my dear.
He knows women assume it upon themselves to feel inadequate in someway; if a man shows his sexual desire for another woman, or porn. It allows for easier psychological manipulation. Not really in a bad way, but in a self-serving way. He is mentally feeding your natural sense of competitiveness. The result? He gets you to go out of your way to prove who's the better woman. Better learn to turn the tables. Get him to show YOU something better.
He can't make you orgasm easily; so not to look bad, he comes up with crap about his ex-girlfriend. Do you see the correlation here? How can you even substantiate your conclusion, when you weren't around to witness it all?
You were not there during his past relationship; and all you have to go on is anecdotal evidence.
You don't have to measure up to his previous girlfriend; because you have surpassed her by the fact that she is past, and you are his present. You are receiving his attention now. All she is to him is a memory. You're a flesh and blood reality. Memories fade with time. They become flawed and inaccurate.Sometimes skewed or distorted.
He still may have a thing for his ex,if she is a frequent topic of conversation. Don't pretend you haven't had a better lover. More endowed and/or more talented with foreplay and kissing. Everyone has their level of expertise.
I would postpone your thoughts of marriage and kids. While his ex is still such a fresh memory in his mind.
You shouldn't plan so far ahead of the game anyway.
Relationships evolve in stages. Women plan marriage and permanent domestic situations often when a couple has only started dating. That then settles into their minds as a goal.
Once that goal is set in your mind, all his suggestions and comparisons of his past relationships fuel a sense of competition; and fear of falling short in some way.
That's when you need to ask that he try to leave his past relationships in the past, and try to focus on the present.
You shouldn't go skulking around for skeletons in his closet. You aren't tough enough to handle what you dig up!
You are a different mind, body, and soul from his old girlfriend. She is a ghost. You don't know what is fact or fiction; and people do tend to embellish for their own benefit. You're taking it all too seriously, and assuming you must fill her shoes in order to meet your goal. You never will. You are competing with a "memory." That may be totally fictitious! He may be lying about how creative and exciting their sex-life was, to make himself look good!
She was a different person from you. His emotional connection with her was based on her personality and the criteria she met in his mind at the time. Tastes and people change.
Whomever you loved before him, did things differently and maybe better than he does. Your feelings are based on who he is; and what needs he is able to satisfy for you. He is just a bit too chatty about some old vagina he used to have. Well she obviously wasn't good enough to keep. Or maybe he wasn't adept enough himself to satisfy her.
Who knows? You're getting a one-sided story.
It would serve you well to ask him to keep his thoughts about her to himself; even better to delete them.
You are not in competition with her, and it is beneath your dignity to compete with his recycled memories. You're the upgrade and now he has something entirely new.
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (24 February 2014):
 Why do you think he isn't as experimental with me?
So often When you sit down and put you questions in writing you stumble upon the answer you already knew. I think your talking openly with him is helping both of you make the separation between the ex and you better defined. The one trouble it is giving you is some retroactive jealousy.
To answer your questions in order:
Why do you think he isn't as experimental with me? Because "He had a tumultuous relationship with this girl". and because, "We have a great sex life anyway". And, "I dress up for him and do things for him that he loves because we both enjoy it". But not because "I find it very hard to orgasm and it disappoints him that he can't do it for me most times".
What do u think? Do you think he is not doing it now because he thinks we have plenty of time? No I don't think that. I think he is waiting for you to be ready. He is waiting for you to tell hem that you want that. Also he knows that a lot of experimental sex is not going to help you orgasm more often. He knows that a lot of those ideas really aren't that much fun. I sense that you have a lot less experience than him. My advice is that you put your bucket list away for a while. You don't want to be a copy of his ex. You want to be a new and unique experience for him. Also you should look for some new positions. Something he hasn't tried before and / or something that works better for you. For nervous beginners I recommend Sadie Allison's excellent book Ride em' cowgirl.
FA
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 February 2014): He doesn't reminisce about her, just the sexual things he's done in the past when you ask him about them.
As to why he experimented with her more, simple because through experimentation he knows what is and is not great sexually, so why would he try the things he didn't like again with you?
OP you're asking questions about sex but it sounds to me you're using it as a sneaky way to find out if she's better than you because you're retro-jealous.
How can you be paranoid about how he feels about her when the only time he talks about her is when you ask him about their sex life?
Just stop doing that. Instead of asking him if he's done something why not just ask him to try that thing with you.
You need to let go of the idea of this other woman being better in any way, she's obviously not or he'd still be with her, it's that simple.
Time to focus on the now and building what you have together. You may have had great times with an ex, had great sex with an ex and he may have had sex with you in a way that your current boyfriend doesn't but that doesn't mean better or worse, it's just a memory now with no special meaning. Well his ex is the same to him, time to leave her in past where she belongs.
OP it took him a long time to get over her, I'm sure he doesn't exactly enjoy you quizzing him about what they did together and opening up old wounds. Sure he'll say he doesn't mind but you have to realise when you bring her up you just remind him of all the hurt and pain he went through because of her. Do him a favour and focus on the now and the future. They may have had good times but his lasting memory of her will be how utterly crushing the break up was.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 February 2014): Maybe she was the one into experimenting. And if they did things he was genuinely interested in he would have asked you to do them by now. As he hasn't he didn't enjoy them as much as you fear. Talk to him about how you enjoy sex, explain how good it feels to you when he touches you to make him feel better about how you enjoy sex.
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