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female
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*irlnextdoor19592003
writes:I have dated a man for 3 years. When we met we did not see it as a match but the sexual chemistry was great. Given that we made a deal that if either of us met someone else all we needed to do was to call and tell the other person that. I did about 2 years into the relationship and he seemed fine with it. I called him 6 weeks later and he was in tears...and said he had been since I left but could not call and tell me that since I was happy. He asked me to come back and after some soul searching I did. I have been back for almost a year and have fallen in love. He says that he does not think he will ever be able to fall in love. As a side note he has not dated in 18 years since his first girlfriend cheated on him. He has introduced me to him family (the first time he has ever done that). He treats me well but I feel that all people deserve to be loved. Just wondering how important it is to hear a man say it, or should i just enjoy the fun we have together and know that it has no real future. But, why the tears and "empty feeling" when I was gone if he is not in love? Reply to this Question
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male
reader, rcn +, writes (6 April 2008):
 You may need to give him a nudge. Let him know how you feel and how you deserve to be loved. He may need some help to overcome. All though I believe in love, and trying to work things out. You may need to tell him, you can't stay in a relationship that has no opportunity for growth. That's like staying at a job, expecting a promotion that never comes. It can get frustrating. Be honest about not being able to live with false expectations, and what it is you're looking for.
I feel sorry for him living that long with these issues. What's worse than the issue its self is not taking action to cope with and/or solve the impact of the past. He needs to learn to live, not just be in a hopeless wander. He needs to come out of that comfort zone and realize it's okay to do so.
Best of luck, take care.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 April 2008): The best you can do is just be open and honest with him. Pay attention to what he says, if you need clarification on what he said or meant, then ask, be atentative, you need to expect the same.
He was probably very shy when he met this girl, she probably meant allot to him: his first. I personally haven't experienced anything like this, I can only suggest that if you like him then to be honest with your feelings and share, be open to his feelings and accept them, and share your thoughts and feelings to your own feeling in response to his, how it makes you feel, he should also be open to respond to his feeling in response tou yours. This will build trust over time. Once he knows he won't be dumped, that you will be faithful, he will probably open up more and more and be less inclined to be paranoid of being hurt again.
Anything more from me would require more specific things from you and what he does that you have questions about. I can't read minds, you need to have practice and experience in opening people up. Trust is required. If things are good, no problems, then continue. Overtime he might get better.
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female
reader, girlnextdoor19592003 +, writes (6 April 2008):
girlnextdoor19592003 is verified as being by the original poster of the question I need to add that he had dated her for 2 years, and he lost his virginity to her. Less than a week later he learned that she was cheating. I can only imagine that it must have done incredible damage, as he did not date again for 15 Years...became a true expect at masturbation and despite our talking online for 5 months he was even hesitant to meet me. I to would like to believe that he has fallen in love but just cant say it, but he does not seem to agree with that. The male point of view on this one is VERY NEEDED, as it is not something you would talk to your sister about :-)
Thanks again....i truly appreciate all of your responses
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 April 2008): He will never fall in love? From the tears and his little break down, it sounds like he can't admit it verbally, but sounds like that is exactly what he has done: fallen in love.
It sounds like he liked the arrangement from the beginning, getting sex, which is the best thing to a man next to intimacy. I think a man can survive on sex, for it gives him the closeness he needs, and the spurt makes up for dry spells of a real realtionship. When you called and left, you gave him more then he expected in the relationship and it probably hit like a ton of bricks.
If your currently happy and he is meeting your current needs, then you should consider him a keeper. Just learn more about him and provide him his needs (it sounds like security of you being there for him is one of them and also sex), it should be fine. Do you know what was done to him besides cheating?
Faithfulness, trust, acceptance, companionship, caring, compassion makes for a good marriage/relationship.
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A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (3 April 2008):
That first girlfriend thing must have had a huge impact on him. Let us change the words in your paragraph from "does not think he will ever" to "chooses not too." In reality he's choosing not too be in love, because he's still choosing not to get hurt, or be vulnerable to the possiability of. He's living in fear, instead of stepping out to the wonders and magic that love can really cary.
Think of his being in this way. Relationships are really nothing without people in them. It's only a word or a symbol. A "relationship" does not have the ability, by itsself to be good or bad. It's solely determined by the people who choose to have a certain connection to eachother. Think of the symbol "relationship" as a big circle. Now toss two people into that circle. Now take all this fun you're having and toss that into the circle because they take place durint the context of what we call "relationship" In his circle lets take love "his first girlfriend", then lets take cheating and place that in the circle. That's the action that took place. Now lets take a big boot and kick the ex out of the circle. What's left inside the circle? The experience of fun, love, cheating. A new person comes along to start a "relationshp" with. Now we have a new circle, but since our brain is limited to its filing process, our brains pick out love, fun, and cheating and toss those right back into the circle, because they're associated with "relationship."
So the answer to his problem is this: Relationship is equivilant too love+cheating=pain. That's all because when violated, disrespected, or hurt, the incident is attached too the context in which it happend. One way to separate the single incident is to forgive who caused the pain. All though they may not deserve forgiveness, you don't do so for them, you do so for yourself so happiness can once again be found without carrying around what someone elses actions caused. Holding these grudges is what keeps the equasion together.
It's also a matter of we'll call realistic thinking. A person cheated, the word itsself is desctiptive to describe the action, without the person it's powerless. Same with love and relationship, in order to exist they have to have someone who can love and people to be involved in the relationship. So with that being said, he needs to, when kicking her in the rear out of the circle, send the context of "cheating" and the pain associated with the cheating with his ex. She, as an individual did the action. So for 21 years the actual cause of the pain has not been around. You deserve the love, and he deserves to move past that painful experience and have a real experience with you.
I wish you both the best. I'm sorry so long. What else is there to do when insamnia sets in? lol.
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