A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:The girl i have been dating treated me badly, much deceit there, manipulation, etc. i wrote about this other day here.we broke up and shes moved on but im still bitter. thing is, some people tell me, forgive her, youre only hurting yourself. I cant forgive her cos she hasnt apologised! she dont feel nothing, as a matter of fact i dont think she is able to feel regret bout anything.so what does it mean to forgive someone when they themselfs dont feel sorry?i am not jesus! thanks for your help.
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (23 June 2011):
 "so what does it mean to forgive someone when they themselfs dont feel sorry?"
It means to be the bigger person. It means to go above such pettyness as tit for tat. It means you can forgive in your heart, and move on.
Forgiving is not the same as saying it's ok to be treated that way, or to have a certain act committed against you. Forgiving is to not hold a grudge. To not be spiteful towards that person. To forgive means you can face them again without anger in your heart. If you will, you can pity them and feel sorry that they lack the humility/intelligence/horizon to apologize or see that they have done wrong. But, if you forgive them you will not feel angry, hateful, mad, upset etc. You will simply just not care about it any more.
That's what it means to forgive, to not hold a grudge, and not hold hatred in your heart. In the end, being spiteful and angry will only make you worse of a person, little by little it eats you up and makes you miserable instead of being happy.
Some times we forgive because someone says they're sorry. Other times we don't forgive even if they apologize. Some times, we forgive because we don't want to carry the negative feelings in our hearts any longer, or use our energy towards feeling negative feelings. We forgive so we can move on and be at peace.
If people are telling you to forgive her it is most likely because you are bitter, and not only bitter at her, but bitter as a person, and unpleasant to be around. Because they are right, you are only hurting yourself by being bitter, and you might not find friends or romantic relationships in the future because who wants to be with a bitter and angry person who holds grudges?
If this other girl is out of your life... forget about her at least. Stop talking about it, stop expressing your bitterness towards her or life. Accept things and forgive in your own time, but at least, until then, pretend that you are over it. Otherwise you're just making others feel uncomfortable.
A
female
reader, justjess +, writes (23 June 2011):
 You dont have to forgive, after all, what is forgiveness? To me forgiveness is saying to someone "you hurt me, but you know what that doesn't matter" and let's face it, it does matter.However you can also not hold on to the anger and the bitterness and the resentment. While she does not deserve you to forgive her, you do not deserve to be saddled with such a burden, so just let it go, and move on.I can't remember where I heard it, but I was once told "forgiveness is just a concept created by the church to control the masses" and while I think that is abit far fetched I do think it pretty much sums up that you do not have to forgive her, as long as you are able yo move on.What I am try to say is you do not actively have to tell her you forgive her in order for yourself to move on, but you must be able to let go
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