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age
30-35,
writes: Our society is starving for intimacy and many of the lies we believe in our culture have to do with our hunger for relationship. We want acceptance, loving relationships and deep intimacy, and yet we believe the lie that sex will satisfy our hunger. It’s true that we are profoundly sexual beings, but it’s time to examine some of the lies we feast on: the lie that premarital sex is one of our unalienable rights, the lie that sexual intercourse is the route to intimacy, and the lie that premarital abstinence is obsolete at best and repressive at worst. These are all lies.History teaches us that people believe what they want to hear. Lies can sound so true when people are starving for truth. Even whole societies will feast on their promises. The Inquisition was based on the lie that some people could force other people to change their religious beliefs. More recently, hundreds of thousands of people believed Hitler’s lie that the Jewish race should be eradicated. Most of us can hardly imagine that anyone could have believed these lies. And yet we swallow other lies all the time.We have bought into lies because we are a starving people. We are people who long to be loved, touched and understood in a world of declining family ties and epidemic dysfunction. Our desires are certainly not new; they are as old as humanity. The difference in our world today is that people are trying to fulfill these longings in strange ways: through machines (TV’s, CD players, cell phones and computers), through sports, material possessions, institutions and sex. Especially through sex. “Try it just once and you’ll be fulfilled.” “Go for variety and you won’t be bored.” “A life without sex is a life without belonging.” Sexual experience has become a personal right, a need to be met and a norm to be accepted.The tragedy of all this is that people are dying of emotional starvation, and they are looking for food in the wrong places. I would like to identify seven lies that our society is making about sex. The truth is that sex outside of marriage is not all it’s cracked up to be. There is no pot of gold at the end of that rainbow.Lie #1: Sex creates intimacy. Genital sex is an expression of intimacy, not the means to intimacy. True intimacy springs from verbal and emotional communion. True intimacy is built on a commitment to honesty, love and freedom. True intimacy is not primarily a sexual encounter. Intimacy, in fact, has almost nothing to do with our sex organs. A prostitute may expose her body, but her relationships are hardly intimate.Premarital sexual intercourse may actually hinder intimacy. Indulging in sexual intercourse prematurely short-circuits the emotional bonding process. One late-1980s study of 100,000 women that links early sexual experience with dissatisfaction in their present marriages, unhappiness with the level of sexual intimacy and a prevalence of low self-esteem.
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reader, RussianIgor  +, writes (9 December 2008):
Hello, My name is Igor Mironov, I am 20 years old. And I have tons of questions. I am still a virgin, I have never dated a Girl in my life. But as all people I do want to have sex, But I am Confused, Should I wait till marriage? How Will I know If I will find True Love? I do not believe In True Love, Or love at first sight. I have had crushes on girls, I have liked girls, but I was not sure If they felt the same as I did, so I never did a thing about It. Back when I was In Highschool, there was a girl that flirted with me on a daily basis, But I Decided to Ignore her. It seemed that she liked me, but I knew her, I mean I heard that she was not a virgin, and she had multiple boy friends In Highschool, and I didn;t want that kind of girlfriend. I don't understand a thing about relationships. My way of understanding Is to just Masturbate. Because for one I don't get Into relations with women and I have a clean conscience. I think that If I do suddenly get girlfriends and have sex with them, that maybee some girl will like me, and I will like her, but if we get married I will be guilty, and have a dirty conscience. Another qestion that I have Is Age Difference. I like this girl but she Is 23 years old, and my birthdate Is 1/29/88 so I will be 21 soon. I was wondering If I date this girl do U think things could progress into marriage? As of now She lives In Utah, and I live In Oregon. Do u think I could start a relationship, regarding the Distance? I am so confused. I know she used to have a boyfriend, and I was wondering would a older girl like her be interested in dating a younger guy like me? My friends and I used to hang out at Starbuck's In Walla Walla, Washington(With her), a Ways away from where I live. And we would talk, and just ang out. And before, or at that time I never looked into reading and looking for information on dating and relationships. So when He where hanging out one day at Starbucks, My guy friends, her, and I, I asked her a question. And i said, "Can I Ask You A Question?" Ans she said, "Sure." Just recently I was browsing through a dating site, and It said Never Ask the Girl, Can I Ask You A Question. The subject on the website was Titled: First Dating Tips. just recently when I read that I Thought dammit, why didn't I know that before?? Is the possibility of a relationship with this girl over? I would like to know the answer to that question. Please help me. My Email Is: [email address blocked], or you could just write me a message on my Myspace profile. My URL Is: myspace.com/russianrollerlofts
I am very Insecure as a person. I think I have multiple personalities because One part of me wants a girlfirend. But the other part says just Masturbate and dont get into a relationship with a gurl, It will only Save you the Heartbreak. I am so confused. Is It normal to think such thoughts? I also like another girl from the church that I attend. I never made It evident that I like her, and Never asked her anything sexual. I did talk to her, and wrote her emails previously, But I have never dated her, or asked her out before. I am scared of people know what I as I person am up to, I am a shy person, And I wouldn't like everyone to know that I am dating this girl. I would be embarrassed to know that everyone knows. How could I secretly ask this girl out, and make sure Now one would know about the relationship I would have with her. The girl's name That Is 23 years old and Lives In Utah Is Sancha, and the girl from Church, her name Is Sveta, she Is 19 years old. I have two female cousin's that go to the church, and sveta attends the church, along with some other girls. I fear that very soon one of the girls will get married, and I will Envy and be very Jealous for them. What can I do? I have went to the church all of my life and I have seen these girls on a regular basis. And the thought of them having sex with someone will eat me alive. I was thinking about stop going to that church before some of the girls do get married, that was one of my options, so that I would not see them, and In most cases forget about them. Because maybee 5 years ago, There was a girl that I liked from the church, and when she got married I was Soo jealous I did not know what do do with myself, The thought of her having sex was to much for me. As time passed The Jealousy gradually passed. Do u think the best answer would be for me to stay single or get into a relationship? I wouldn't know how to start a relationship with a girl? I thought that I would take her out for a movie the first date. I wouldn't know where to start. I like beer, and I like to drink on occasions. If I drink a beer in 4 months that Is amazing, so What I mean y that is I drink very rarely. How could I get a girl that doesn't drink beer to drink some beer with me? I have noticed that When I drink beer I am no longer embarrassed, and I talk to my guy friends about girls, and sex, and how much I want to have sex. But I never did anything about It. I also think that If I start a relationship with a girl I will very much regret it. And I don't want to get married, because all girls are moody, and I'd like to live alone, because If you live with yourself, you won't have any problems. Another part of me wants to have sex, but I am unsure If I will find true love so I don't to a thing about It. I am a Emotional wreck basically. I need answers, and If I don't find them what else Am I supposed to think, or do? Is It healthy to masturbate, and have Sexual Fantasies about girls? At one point I got so Jealous of girls having sex, girls that I heard of having sex from guys at school, That I stopped eating, and I couldn't sleep. I was growing into a major depression, this depression lasted a week. Gradually I began Eating and was able to sleep again. When I was In this depression I didn't want to live, I was so fed up with Lifes Bullshit. If you feel sorry for me please write me a message. I had attempted to find a girl to date awhile ago, so I got myself a True.com account And I thought surely I will get a girlfriend In no time. Well guess what I didn't. Not the least bit o' luck. Well I guess that was a waste of money. Awhile ago, I had $3,000.00 In my bank account, and I wasted It all. I had a Job as a Grounds Maintenance during the summer months, and I was employed at a local school district, And I was being payed $12.00/hour, And I used to work on a janitorial Job during school season. I didn't take my job seriously. At my job I would get on the Internet, and now I work once In awhile as a Substitute Janitor. So Now Each day Consists of getting up, going outside feeding my pigeons, and going back inside, and getting on the internet for the remainder of the day. Day In and day out. I get a depression at times, and I feel sorry for myself. I want to move out but dont know what to start with first. I still live with my parents, I am going to be 21 years old on 1/29/2009 I was born on 1988, And I don't have a Driver's license yet. I think It will be hard to get a job since I messed around so much. If I would have only saved up my money, I could have moved out a long time ago, and If I would have been on task, and worked properly, then there Is a good chance that I would have still had my job. But As I always say: Everything Happens For A Reason.
You can take a look at some of my pictures At Flickr.com/photos/russianroller
A
female
reader, betbiss  +, writes (4 December 2008):
 What an awesome womanchild you are! I would love to see more young women like you in this world.
I agree with you 100% and I wish that I had your insight when I was your age.
I left home at 14 I slept with anyone that would tell me that they loved me and who would hold me. You are right by saying it leaves you empty. Sex with out love can be physically satisfying but sex with someone who truly loves you and you them is mind blowing and emotionally fullfilled.
I see that for your generation things must be a lot tougher for you than it was for my generation. Today you are called a freak if you are a virgin, my generation you were a freak if you slept around.
Stick to your guns, hold up your head and you will make our world a little bit cleaner.
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A
female
reader, screenstar  +, writes (2 December 2008):
well you raise many important issues of our modern times.
and very eloquently for a teenager I must add.
For your age to be pondering all these very important aspects of human nature is a good sign, I hope you find a significant answer to them, as I am 34yrs old and still dont know what the answer is to sexual issues and intimacy promlems. I do however believe that most issues stem from miscommunications, childhood traumas, and socialization and cultural norms. do some anthropological research on the internet a person like you would find it fascinating.
I ponder them all the time, but one thing is for sure , as social beings we have a need for acceptance by our peers, and if most of them do not approve of certain actions it would be hard for you as an individual to express them, and you may suppress your needs and desires due to fear of rejection.
with maturity you may learn that you are more willing to accept yourself and what you believe has nothing to do with most others.
follow your heart in any issue that you are facing, because you will continue to learn and grow as a person even if you make mistakes, those mistakes are passage ways to learning.
sex is a big issue for most, it mostly depends on you and your partner , and what your personal beliefs are.
try not to pass judgment too harshly on those that have a diferent sexual appetite/need to you, non of us are the same and why would we want to be clones of each other. being different is exciting and interesting
you are right people are emotionally starved or maybe starved for genuine intimacy , and mostly they have no idea what genuine intimacy entails. true intimacy is not just sex alone but sex is a part of intimacy
our intimacy issues are fuelled by the ever increasing technological developments that reduce our face to face communications and our ever increasing hectic lifestyles that little or no time for true bonding, it is so bad that most of the people and friends I know are very affraid of being truely intimate with each other, and they have lost the talent for it, and often misinterpret ones attempt at intimacy as wanting sex .
this is very true for many male/female frinedships, I would like to have male friends but not to have sex with them, but to have a friendship and a bond that is different from my girlfriends, why are we so hell bent on keeping our genders so seperate , you can only have girlfriends if your girl and no men as friends, I think this is sad(I would like to hear what you have to say about this, being much younger in a differnt country and the pondering soul that you are)
good luck and keep searching and thinking
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