A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Just a vent more than a question. I HATE MY EX. He left me and his 2 toddlers for a 22 year old. Gt to love it. I got over him leaving, we weren't happy. However, I am angry that he tried to proof I was unfit in court to get full custody which was thrown out. The judge even said "he was wasting everyones time" Then he tried to reduce his child support money and then hid 32G from the court so I wouldnt get any of it. The judge ordered me alot of money because I was a SAHM and he was MAD. Then he got verbally abusive. He would call and text me insulting comments. Him and his new girlfriend. Now he is showing his new GF in the kids face. WHenever he has visitation he brings her. I tried telling him the kids just want to see him. His response is "go f*ck yourself" The kids dont want to talk to him when he calls or call me when they are with him on weekends and ask to be picked up. I beg them to talk to their dad. I NEVER bad mouth their father and encourage his visitation. I never deny him to see his kids. I bite my tongue when he calls and act like I am happy to see him. BUT THAT IS SO HARD. This is a man who tried to take my kids, my house and my money from me and then verbally insults me the entire time. It is so difficult to tell the kids "Dad is SUPERMAN" when I think he is a piece of shit. There is no talking to him. He is just verbally abusive. My lawyer said there is nothing I can do about it. Unless he thereatens me. It's like he wants to forget about his old life and move on with his 2nd life. HELLO I AM THE MOTHER OF YOUR CHILDREN!!!! I get that we were unhappily married but why the anger now? WHy try to prove I was unfit? WHy verbally abuse me? Why try to take the house from me? It breaks me heart when my daughter asks "Why do you work so much?" when I have to pay bills that their father wont pay and I have to pay lawyer fees to get him to pay. What a low life. He doesnt understand that shoving his new GF in the kids face is too soon. He is alienating them. Yet "its my fault" But when they mention the GF I say "SHe seems nice". Yes, I am in therapy. To get me through the anger. TO understand why the man I had kids with and was with for 16 years would just toss me aside and try his hardest to make me miserable. This whole divorce has made me stronger, has allowed me to fall in love with my kds all over again, has given me a chance to rebuild myself and make my life better for ME.I just wish he would see what he's doing to the kids. He says "They are fine' YES, but they need to talk about it.ARRGHHHH......
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 April 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for allowing me to vent without judgment. You are right about me stating that their dad is superman but not feeling it. Silence would better. I've never thought of that.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 April 2009): Hang in there. Your being the bigger person. Your kids will both see & learn from ur positive influence. Let ur ex carry on like a headless chook, your the one keeping the cool head. Get on sites & have a vent or chat to a friend or whatever but keep playing it cool. Nothing will eat at him more knowing that he cant get to you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 April 2009): Thanks for venting - I hope you feel some relief.
Having gone through all of this myself, I certainly have empathy for you.
My battle with all you described plus more lasted for thirteen years. Even though I legally triumphed, the abuse, injustices, and wrong doings continued. After all was said and done, key people came forward and disclosed he and his wife were fixated on my destruction.
I've learned it is futile to desire and work toward gaining the enemy's understanding. In other words, you can't make your enemy see things you want them to see. You just can't. You may as well let go of your desire for them to change. Let it go. It will ease your stress. Your workload is already huge with their current ammunition.
While you must process the pain of the injustice of it all, him dumping you, their hatred, things they did in court, what they do to the kids, etc., it will be of great value to you to arrive at the point where you have no emotional response to any of their words or actions.
While your attorney is right that you have no legal recourse for all you described, you actually do have some choices.
I would first create an email account for documentation. This is for any future legal action. Forward all of their texts and emails to it, and keep a daily log of visitation and all their communications to you. It is your electronic filing system. This also gives you a sense of order; placing their actions where they belong: future reference only as needed.
Then I'm not so certain your current method of talking up your ex to your kids is that healthy. I would just say nothing- when you push the feigned "your dad's awesome" attitude, there's actually a sense of pressure and manipulation going on there. just be silent about him to your kids. This leaves it for everyone to create their own opinions of him based on their own observations of him. Plus, you don't want to teach the kids to misrepresent themselves; for in spite of kind words, children pick up your true feelings, and you don't want to train them to say that which contradicts their actual position. So I would not add to your own frustration by saying what you don't mean. Silence is better.
Finally, turn off your value in their opinion of you. Choose to believe that what they think of you, say about you, say to you, is worthless. Their opinions of you are worthless. Let it go.
I hope this helps - best wishes, and I admire your reaching out to deal with it.
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 April 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthank you
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 April 2009): You've no need to worry that he doesn't see what he's doing to the kids. The kids will click on soon enough and they'll see what he's doing to them What goes around, comes around.
He's angry and bad mouthing you because you've cost him money. He doesn't like the fact that he couldn't walk away from you totally unscathed financially. The judge saw through him, the kids will too, in time.
You're doing exactly the right thing by not calling him names in front of the kids, whereas he's doing his best trying to use them as ammunition. It'll all come back and bite him on the arse, trust me on that one.
I got a gut feeling that his 22 year-old bit of crumpet will soon tire of him having the kids and dump him anyway. Time will tell.
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