A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I am 23 and have been out of the dating game for several years after an extremely hard breakup just before college. Now I've started dating this wonderful young woman and it seemed like everything was going great...But something started eating away at me, and now I am very confused about what is going on.I have been friends with this girl since college, but we never dated till recently. We'll call her "Jill." Durring our time at college, "Jill" made it very clear that she wanted me to ask her out, but I avoided it and played dumb because I was chasing a different girl at the time. We both graduated and went our separate ways, and we didn't hear from each other for about two years.Then I started thinking about her a lot, and felt bad that I had never asked her out--especially since she is actually the kind of woman that I'm really into. I looked her up and she was thrilled to hear from me, so we set up a little "fake date." I call it a "fake date" because it was very casual, and most definitely on a "just friends" basis. (Also, she was dating someone at the time.) Since nothing really happened in the romance department, we lost contact again for another year, until I started thinking about her again.This time, when we set up another little "fake date," there was definitely a lot of romance going on. This time, she was single. She was coming onto me quite strongly, and I followed her lead. It lead to a nice little romantic talk on some swings overlooking the city.Since that night, she was very enthusiastic about calling/texting me and letting me know she wanted to be with me more, and we had some incredible dates and became very close over the past two months. I've never felt this comfortable being intimate with someone. When we kiss, she holds me so close and tenderly, I can't imagine that she doesn't have feelings for me... But imaginiations can run wild.She recently had a birthday and made sure I was there for the festivities on the day before. As far as I was concerned, we were in an exclusive relationship, but we never had spoken specifically about it. I tested the waters to open it up for discussion by teasing her that I noticed her relationship status on Facebook was still single, and that I had a nice guy I could hook her up with, (obviously me). But she laughed and played along, but she made a face that I couldn't read, so I didn't go into it further.I decided to write her a simple letter to go along with her birthday card that I got her. I kept it basic, but let her know how I feel. The short version is to the effect of: "We haven't been together for very long, but you are already becoming an important part of my life. I'm glad I found you again." A lot of it was ripped off from a greetings card I found, so I figured it wasn't too over-the-top, but it matched how I felt, and I believe it was appropriate considering that we had been on about a dozen dates and had hung out together a lot in between.That night, before I gave her the birthday card and the letter, she wanted to have some time for just the two of us, and we kissed, cuddled and watched movies till 4 in the morning. I was on top of the world, and had no question that she would appreciate the letter.But she didn't. She never brought it up, and pretended like she never read it. I asked her about it and her response was "Well, it was definitely a surprise." That was all I could get out of her. Not a "thank you" not a "no thank you" nothing. I don't remember her words, but she told me that she just isn't into sappy stuff. Which is fine with me, but she never actually rejected or reciprocated my feelings that I had put out on the table.Now I can't tell where things are headed, or what needs to be done. I know we need to talk about it, but I'm not sure how to approach it. We had another date in which we both completely overdressed (its one of our "things") to go see a local play. We generally had a good time, except that neither of us cared much for the play. But we had a very romantic dinner and a high-end restaurant, and she took some pictures of us together on her phone. She seemed like she was happy to be with me, but I kept getting the sense that she wasn't completely there with me.Normally, after the play, we would have gone for ice cream or coffee and then went for a walk or something. Basically, a good time to have some serious conversation, however, she was looking really tired and told me that she was going to have to be a "party pooper," so I took her home and didn't get the chance to really talk to her. It left me feeling a bit rejected or something.The next day when I heard from her, she told me that she was having "girl problems" and that she was feeling really crappy. That would perfectly explain the vibe I was getting on our date.But then my imagination has been wreaking havoc."Jill" had a situation in the past where one of my buddies thought that he was dating her, but then it turned out that she was actually dating someone else. She supposedly thought that her and my buddy were just friends. From my pal's point of view, she had strung him along and used him, and from her point of view, he was just a good friend that understood that she was dating someone else. I don't know how intimate things were with the two, but I could see things going either way. If she was as intimate and physical with him as she is with me, I can see why he was extremely hurt.Because she hasn't reciprocated my feelings, I have started to wonder if I'm just her Spring Fling, or something. We NEED to talk about it, but I don't know how to approach it. I don't want to have her react the same way that she reacted to my letter. I can see problems developing on my part.I am worried that if I am imagining that there is a problem, that I will screw up the relationship by becoming needy, jealous, and insecure over nothing. On the other hand, I will also be crushed if I find out that she has no intentions of becoming an exclusive couple. It is so confusing to me because it feels like we are an exclusive couple. She shares very special personal things with me, and I feel that we share a strong physical, mental, and social attraction to each other.I would like some opinions about the situation. Is she seeming distant right now because she is experiencing PMS? Or is she seeming distant because she considers me to be just a "fling" and is upset that I've developed feelings for her? With the timing of my letter, and the PMS, it is really hard for me to tell.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, Tunsat +, writes (4 May 2009):
You can't just worry about what she may be thinking it'll drive you crazy plus its just unproductive. Have a talk with her since it is important to you. If she's into you and says its more than a spring fling and she sees you potentially dating exclusively then you're good to go. If she says she doesn't want anything too serious well then you know that its more of a fling. Sometimes people want to start slow so they could think of it as a fling but it could turn out to be something more special. It really depends on the situation and person. Either way though you will know and it leaves less room for needless worrying and it will allow you to make the appropriate next step whether that is continuing in your relationship with her or moving onto someone else.
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