A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Help. I have recently in the last week began to distance myself a bit from my affair cos she is gettin her cake an eating it emotionally and sexually when she gives into temptation with me (although she knows it's wrong) and I aint getting what I want, a proper relationship with her. Now I think she is staying in her relationship for the wrong reasons and she has no backbone and deep down she longs to be with me as they have no ties together it's more expectations, and she was settling for (second best). So I withdraw the attention after I last saw her a week ago when we both had the most mind blowing time in every way it scared us! She is now texting me at bedtime each night/first. I have sent her a few back. Now later in the week she calls me five times one night, I dont take them. I do call the next day told her I was out with others and had a quick chat/laugh. Now she was going out with friends that evening for a drink as was I (we live a bit away from each other) and I still want to talk to her but don't because nothings changed. Anyhow I get in to find ten missed calls on my phone in the all on top of each other in the early hours and a message with her pleading with me to pick up the phone. Whats going on??? Has she got it badly for me too??? Why aint she just ringing her boyfriend??? She has made her bed and now has to make some sort of decision because I am going to move on. Do you think she is sensing this. Do I just leave it?? Why is she lying in bed drunk thinking of me but be with someone else?
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female
reader, Sweet-thing  +, writes (9 September 2007):
 Instead of playing dodge ball with your phone calls and i.m messages, it's time for a real discussion. She needs to chose who she's going to be with and then do it and you will have to abide by her decision, if for some reason it's not you. But you cannot keep playing this game. Everyone stands to lose. If she is not happy with her current b/f she needs to end it and end it now. She's not even married, so there's no divorce to go through. It should be as easy as packing up her things and walking out the door. She's already cheating on him, she can't possibly love him anymore, she is simply attached to the comfort of the "known" and you represent a bit of the "unknown" but she sounds wildly in love with you. Give her a time line and then bail out on the relationship if she's not making any progress to figure out which one she plans to be with. She can't continue to hop back and forth any more. Good luck.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 September 2007): I am her... (in a round about way, same situation) and believe me she cares a lot about you and you are extremely important to her no matter what other judgemental people would say. She probably loves 2 people and will be torn. It happens that way sometimes, so I would not say that she "is having her cake and eating it"! It is also not easy on her as she has difficult decisions about her life that she has to make. You have to decide what you want from her and if you can't settle for having a large part of her, but not all of her, then you need to move on, or maybe having some of her, you can appreciate and treasure what she is able to give you. The choice is yours and you are not a victim, you have chosen to be in this position.
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A
female
reader, Trinny +, writes (8 September 2007):
 I would say you are doing the right thing by not answering her calls because at the end of the day it is down to her whether she wants to be with you or not. I think this woman is using you just for one thing. Your feelings for her my be strong but what she is doing to you is wrong. Carry on moving on with your life don't wait because you could wait for a long time and you could miss out on some one else who does want to be with you. You seem like a genuine person, don't be used, just be happy and go out and enjoy yourself.
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