A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Well i have a major problem involving my ex girlfriend. Well a few months back my ex fell for some tricks my ex best friend pulled to steal her away from me. She had been friends with him nearly as long as i had known him and she did not believe he would do such things even when i held proof in her face basically.My friend lied and spread a bunch of slander about me to kill her trust in me, after doing this he moved in on her unknown to me even tho he knew we were still trying to work things out. At the time before he went after her i had no clue who had spread the lies, but come to find out from another friend it was him and he had been pretty much bragging about it. The whole time both villafied me even tho i was the innocent one here and everyone but these two saw it. Well they got together for a few months and then after months of no contact with her, her name and number erased from my phone she pops up again. I ignore her for 2 months, she begins to get really aggravated that im ignoring her and begins to guilt trip me and ultimately get hateful again because i was ignoring her. I got sick of her pestering at all hours for those two months and told her off. She tried to paint me the villain again, i got mad started to tear down her false belief and she began to basically beg me to forgive her and give her another chance down the road when this relationship fell apart and to be a friend till then. I saw this as her trying to use me as a security blanket and said "I either want you all to myself or i don't want anything to do with you at all".She got mad and started accusing me of being childish and i once again told her off and ignored her. She in this conversation also said she thought she may have made a mistake leaving me for my ex friend. And asked if i still loved her for whatever reason, which i did not lie about. She also said about 10 times she missed me severely. Well last month she messaged me again asking if i was done ignoring her, i said "You know where i stand, be with me or i don't want anything to do with you. This month she has pretty much been spamming my phone again, and is begging me to forgive her and trying to guilt trip me again at the same time. Ive ignored her again but im seriously getting sick of this crap. What should i do and why is she begging for me to be in my life when she is still with my ex friend who she dumped me for?
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 August 2010): I know the feeling and it's a killer. I used to get that last 'chance at love' feeling quite a bit. I was never really successful at dating when I was younger and like you I had a tendency to put girls on a bit of a pedestal.
Doing this meant that I let them cause me a lot of pain and I just let a lot of it slide. Because basically I was unsure of my eligibility and clung on to the hope that they could change.
For me it took one girl to hurt me like no other, a girl I just couldn't let go of, and she wouldn't let me go either. The thing was she had no intention of ever being with me again (just like your girl) but having me hanging on was giving her emotional satisfaction. All of what happened with her was my fault though. Nobody can use us if we don't let them so I blame myself for letting that happen and that's when things changed for me.
I'm not the kind of person who is going to sit in a corner rocking back and forth, crying because I let someone take advantage of me. No I use things like that as motivation. I got angry (more determination than rage) and I set about working on ridding myself of that attitude.
We all know confidence is the key to success in dating, so I set about improving that. For me it was working out, I used my anger and frustration to improve my health and physique. While I didn't become an adonis even the tiniest physical improvement gave me a huge boost. It got to the stage were I'd become so confident and happy with my appearance and strength it bordered on arrogance, I had a take no prisoners approach to dating and even friendships then. It might sound selfish but I learned to weed out the people in my life that were either no good for me or had nothing to offer me and I learned to trust my gut and do it sooner rather than later.
The very first girl I tried it on with after I had started that self improvement has been my girlfriend for 4 years now and I'm constantly being hit on, complimented about my looks etc. since then. I'm only an average looking, balding guy too but my sincere confidence and self belief is something that just draws women to me.
Time for you to do the same. Dating, is not about luck, it's about confidence, self belief and determination. Find ways to improve those qualities in yourself, for yourself and the rest is all just trial and error. Forget this girl, at the moment she's a bigger cause of you not being able to find another girl than any other reason. She's poison and until you can let her go she'll just have an ever greater negative impact on your life. Things really will just get far worse with her around and theres really a risk that she could make you an angry, bitter and resentful person. Don't let that happen, you deserve better than that and no one else in the world can give you that but yourself.
FYI: it will be very easy to find a girl that's better than her, she's a bitch. There are lots of girls that aren't.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 August 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWow you just pretty much explained how i feel exactly Cerberus . Another reason i cant quite cut her off is the fact i have terrible luck with women, and she is pretty much everything i wanted till stuff started souring. Its hard to cut contacts when i dont know when ill find someone else or if i will.
You seriously have freaked me out when i read that, what i said was partial truth. Im over her about 98% but that 2% keeps me interested sexually and im sure if she sunk her claws in right i could want more again which could be an issue. If i had better luck i would have no qualms cutting her off right now but its the unknown that keeps me around. The fact that i may never find anyone better then her that wants anything to do with me.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (5 August 2010):
Have nothing to do with her. Ever seen Fatal Attraction? That's the best reason ever to stop contacting this woman.
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 August 2010): I think you're fooling yourself OP.
You say you're ignoring her, but telling her off is not ignoring her. Ignoring one or two or twenty texts then responding to the 21st is not ignoring her.
"the only reason i want anything to do with her is because i want the sex"
I think you're trying to convince yourself this is true, when it's kind of obvious to everyone that it's not.
Here's why "i said "You know where i stand, be with me or i don't want anything to do with you. "
There is no such thing as trying to cut contacts, you just do. She rings cancel the call, she texts don't read it just hit delete. You're not doing that, you are playing her game because you are still responding and she knows if she keeps pestering you, you will eventually respond. You know telling her off is exactly what she wants. She wants to keep her claws dug in and know that you're still there, alone thinking about her. When you tell her off she gets satisfaction because you're playing her game.
She holds all the cards here, you might think you're in control but in fact it's the opposite.
You know she's not good for you, you know you need to get rid of her completely but you can't and then you try to tell yourself it's just because you want sex in an attempt to convince yourself that you're the one who's in control. Well are you shagging her now? Is she giving you any kind of sex at the moment? No, she's not.
Look I've been where you are now, I've played this game which is why I'm so sure that you still have strong feelings for her and why she's like a drug that you just can't give up. The desire for some kind of revenge is strong in you too I feel but the truth is the best revenge you can get on both of them is to completely move on and be happy with yourself and perhaps another girl.
The best revenge you can get on your ex friend is to let him have her, look at what he has to put with, look what she's doing to him and you know if it isn't you it will be some other guy. This guy might think he has won, but it's not winning when the prize is pain.
Everyone here has told you what you need to do, stop making excuses to yourself and just do it. This is no kind of life to lead, it will be a long drawn out painful thing if you keep this up as I said. Stop fooling yourself.
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 August 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI have been ignoring her, and trying to cut contacts, and honestly i do not want to change my number because then i have to go around and update 50 or more people. Im just going to tell her off and be done with it. I may just get her number specifically blocked.
I have already ran away lol, she just keeps running a few feet behind and it sucks. Im over her for the most part, the only reason i want anything to do with her is because i want the sex. I dont want anything emotional, and i feel no guilt in doing this for the sheer fact of what she already did to me. Normally im a pretty nice guy but with her, all holds are off.
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 August 2010): Changing your number won't work, she'll just get your new one from someone else.
Stop responding! Do not feed her, you know what you're doing and you know what she's doing.
She left you for a traitorous scumbag now she has lay in the bed she made for herself.
Do not keep answering her, you say you're ignoring her but you're not, you're playing her little game and you know it.
If you want to be a fool, keep playing. If you want some dignity and pride then move on and stop playing.
She wants you as plan b, is that what you want? She's basically trying to keep you on tap in case things go wrong but the fact is she chose him.
She's treating you like crap and trying to make sure you don't get over her so she can keep you miserable. I mean come on man, is there anything about this situation that is or ever will benefit you? Think about it, if she's doing this to him and she's already done the same thing to you once, what makes you think if you got back with her she wouldn't revert to type and screw you over again?
Ignore your feelings, they're illogical, you really don't need the walking mess that is this woman in your life.
Cut her out completely and stop playing her game. It's going to end badly for you if you do. A whole world of pain awaits you if you keep this up.
Run, run away!
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (4 August 2010):
Will you just cut contact with this woman! Stop entertaining her. Change your phone number. She's just a crappy woman who is having plenty of fun playing with you. Cut contact, now! Who cares what she thinks. Who cares if she thinks your the bad guy. No one. Cut contact, change your number and every time she tries to talk, put the phone down.
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