A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I'm doing my best to move on from the MM that i was dealing with. He wants to be friends and i first i found it difficult but since i was able to get some distance due to our temporary separation i decided to give a friendship a try. I also have begun dating again to help me get over the break up easier. Things as friends were good at first with the exception of him telling me that he misses me however, he keep mentioning the new person i am seeing. i thought that was odd so i tried asking him about it and he says he is happy for me but i still dont understand why he brings him up. We were able to smooth that over until his wife got an inkling that he was messing around again. (she found out before and nothing happened) once this happened he tells me that we can only be friends and there cannot be any expectations involved. this confused me because we were already being friends. he said we cant small talk about anything etc. this made me very angry because i was already being his friend and now it felt as though he was giving me a set of rules. i told him i didn't want that i wanted him to leave me alone. he feels me i am going overboard and to tell him what i want. i asked him what did it matter what i wanted and he said because he wanted to know. i told him i wanted to forget about everything and move on and that anything with him and i was over including the friendship. he says is that what you want and i said yes. a week later he texts me asking how i was doing and proceeded in gaging in a conversation.... I write all of this because i really dont understand as this is a pattern with him. when were involved, things were progressing and then he would pull away, we tried the friend thing as you can see when shit happens, he pushes me away but every time i tell him to leave me alone so i can get on with my life, he always comes back. I want to know why? he isn't leaving his marriage, he says he wants to be friends and i tried to do just that but its obvious that being in each others lives isn't good for me or his relationship. him knowing that, why wont he just let me go. I've asked him that myself and his response is he doesn't know. Please help me understand. i care because i still love him but i know it wont go anywhere but i don't understand why he wont leave me alone and give me the space i need to get over this, why the jealousy with the person i am dating and why does he want to be friends when it could ruin his relationship? even with her finding out the first time and now having suspicions, he still wants to maintain some type of contact. what?
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 December 2016): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you! i wish you weren't anonymous so i could thank you personally! I really needed to hear that and it all makes sense to what you are saying. My own friends said the very same things that you said about him only loving himself. This will help me when get into my week moments and keep me focused on moving on.Thank you again, I'm pretty sure he will try to get back in again, only this time i pray that am strong enough to close the door all the way, including friendship.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 November 2016): Because he is hooked on the thrill of the affair. And hooked on the way you make him feel about himself. It is an addiction and he is having a hard time kicking the habit (you). Just because he was caught does not mean he wants it to be over. He is just treading lightly because he does not want to sink the ship. Right now he has just rocked the boat. Likely he is looking for a way to start up again without raising any suspicions in his wife. Because he knows that this time it would be over with her if she found out and he does not want to lose his secure and comfortable life.
Does this mean he loves you? This is really the question you are asking.
No, he does not.
If he did, he would leave his wife. He would not keep you on the side indefinitely. If he loved you, he could not bear to do that to you. Do you see that? Nor would he want to risk losing you, to another man who is fully available or to you coming to your senses and breaking it off because you want and deserve more than he is giving you. He would never put you in a position where he would risk losing you if he really loved you.
What he loves is the sex, the attention, the ego boost, the fun, the fantasy, the thrill, the feeling. He is missing the feeling of being alive during the affair. The intoxicating chemical highs associated with sex and forbidden fun. His life is probably pretty boring and routine with his wife. She obviously is too familiar to him or there has been some sort of disconnect but like all men, he does not have the balls to leave because he is comfortable and satisfied enough with his life not to want to change anything. But he is open to having some icing on his cake: You. I don't really think he loves her either to have started up with another woman behind her back. The only person he loves is himself. He is a very selfish man. One you could never trust even if he did leave his wife and marry you. Whether he would repeat the cheating pattern remains to be seen. However, that is not the problem. It's the fact you will THINK he would no matter what he did. He IS CAPABLE. And you would live in anxiety always wondering when the new flavour will be introduced once he is bored with you. You will always have to live with this dark cloud over your head. And you won't be able to. Trust issues would destroy your relationship anyway. So, it would be doomed. Best to stop trying to figure out why he is doing what he does. And figure out why you allow him to. You can do better. Go out there and find better. You have wasted enough time on this time waster. If he had to, he would drop you in a second.... again. Is that what you want? To be discarded yet again? Was once not enough for you?
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reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (28 November 2016):
 You will keep making excuses to keep in contact with him, it is clear you are not ready to let go off him yet. The thing is you say he knows he can't have you, well he could have you if he wanted you, but he is married. He wants the fun from an affair. Therefore he makes the effort to keep you on the side. Don't mistake this for that he loves you or has feelings for you. He just wants someone to show him attention and also he will tell you anything to try and keep you sweet. All you need to remember is that if he cared for you then he would be with you. Remember that when you are moving on from him, when you are ready to.
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 November 2016): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questioni see what you are saying but we aren't even around each other anymore. we are separated from each other and he still wants to keep in contact and is acting like this.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 November 2016): It's simple. People that have unhappy marriages and don't love their partner get divorced. People who are bored in their marriage but love their partner have an affair. Your MM knows he can get away with it as she found out before and nothing happened, but he doesn't want to push her too far hence his panic and relegation of you to a friend.He's not in it just for the sex but also for all the excitement and drama an affair brings; the push/pull, on and off nature of it is part of the allure. It's not surprising at all that he's carrying on like this. It's the way most affairs go. What is surprising, however is why you are letting him and haven't just deleted him from your life.He'll carry on like this until either his wife puts her foot down and he blocks you or you end it. It's up to you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 November 2016): This is verified as being by the original poster of the question@honeypieThat is insane and i know that you may be right. it hurtful to even think that he would want to do that to me. i know many men that cheat but when they get caught it is so easy for them to drop the other person because they know first hand that their wife/girlfriend is who they want and have always wanted but him, its different because he keeps chasing me even though he knows he cant have me. he tells me that he cant be himself around me so i tell him to go to hell and leave me alone, i can curse him out, say some really hurtful things and he STILL comes back trying to fix things. i dont think hr is a bad person but all of my close friends that know about it say that he is and i wish i could see him that way. overtime he comes back, he sounds so sincere about what he is saying. in my head I'm like if he doesnt care, then why does it go out of his way to fix things and not just focus his marriage. I've never seen anything like this ever!
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (26 November 2016):
 I think he likes the power he "thought" he had over you. And now that he DOESN'T like the fact that he has no control over you.
Some people (married or not) love having the attention of several people in a romantic manner. Stroking their ego. Whether it hurt their spouse is less important.
He doesn't want to give you up. You provided something for him that either his wife didn't or that he doesn't like to be without - and he doesn't want to put in the work of finding a new mistress right now.
He isn't a friend. BLOCK him and work on moving on. You don't NEED to be in contact, I honestly think that would be a "stupid" thing to do. Let him go, let that part of your life go into the past.
And really, even if you care about him, stop trying to figure him out. THAT is what he wants. To live "rent free" in your head. To be the man you constantly think of. He doesn't deserve that slot.
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 November 2016): This is verified as being by the original poster of the question@aunt honesty I dont have a boyfriend, i said i was dating someone. i would never play with anyone's feelings. i see what you are saying about being selfish, but i am not around and don't understand why he would continue to put his marriage in jeopardy. He said he wants to be friends but he shouldn't want that either. i know what i need to do and i am doing it, i just want to understand why he wont just let me be.
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reader, aunt honesty +, writes (25 November 2016):
He does not want to let go because he is selfish. He likes the attention he gets off you. He can have fun with you and then go home to his wife. What a catch!!
Look first bit off advice is change your number. Drop all contact from him and don't get involved with a married man again. You allowed yourself to fall in love with a married man, which to begin with was wrong off you. If you knew he was married then you should never have went near him.
Secondly break up with your boyfriend. You are only using him to try and get over a married man, and also to try and make your married lover jealous. Don't use people like that it is horrible and very selfish.
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