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writes: My husband and I have been married for 15 years. I have always been aware that he watched porn (before marriage). The first time I found a video I threw it away, and I didn't say anything to him about it and neither did he. Needless to say he got one or two more and hid them. He never came to me or brought up the subject of watching porn, or asking me if I would like to watch. However, at the same time, I did not confront him about it. I have never been very good about getting my feelings out. I believe when I threw the second one I found away, he asked me if I had seen it. I told him I threw it away, that was the end of the discussion. He then starts ordering movies via on demand. Please keep in mind that I am in the next room sleeping. Again, I didn't say anything to him, I simply put a block on the cable. He never mentioned not being able to order the movies. That was 15 years ago. In the course of these 15 years, we have had 'talks' about porn. I do not like it, i have tried to watch, just can't. It grosses me out. He assured me that him watching porn had nothing to do with me, or something I am not giving him. He simply likes to watch it. I really have tried to keep an open mind, tell myself it's ok for him to watch porn, all men do it. Never will understand why he does this while I am in the house. A few months ago I found out he had subscribed to an anime porn website. I saw this in the history on the computer. He even printed out his user name and password. I go into this website and I am astonished at what he is watching. I know which videos he watched because when you login to this website it gives a list of the videos watched and the number of times.. This was not regular porn, where all parties involved are participating. These were bondage videos, where women where tied up, forced to do oral, or raped with a foreign object. I understand that these are made and not real, however, why is my husband into this kind of thing? On this, I did not hesitate to call him out. He said, he only went on there once and it cost a dollar. Here I have a printed email stating you have a monthly subscription. He said his video count was so high because he was trying to figure out how to cancel the membership. It is clearly stated on the confirmation email that you go to a completely different website to cancel. He said he tried and couldn't cancel it. I went to the computer, out in the information to cancel and cancelled it within 30 seconds. He is telling me that he does not masturbate to porn, I said to him, 'I thought that was why you watched it'. He was so mad at me for thinking that he would get off on rape. Promised he would not watch anymore. Saturday, I got his computer out and snooped. Guess what I found? Searches for xxx forced sex, best forced sex videos, best rape videos. Needless to say I am more than mad, and can't look at him without thinking about it. I have not said anything to him yet, as I know he will try to turn it around on me, I shouldn't have snooped, etc. well sorry, I did and I really wish I hadn't, and at the same time glad I did. Really need some advice. We have two kids, I don't want to leave him. I don't know what to do. Thanks for reading.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 December 2012): Leave him. He's obviously never going to change.
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female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (12 December 2012):
 My belief is that when people decide to spice things up in sex, they go into it with a playfulness mindset, they are consensual and if at any point it becomes uncomfortable one has to stop. There are many varieties in porn. There are willing actresses, and there are ones who are coaxed into the business, felt pressure to do nasty acts because they signed up for it and they couldn't leave the business and are blackmailed into staying. In movies where girls are in genuine pain and the guy takes pleasure in hurting the girl who's crying, that's when I find it's heinous. I doubt many men actually enjoy this kind of porn. No one should get off looking at cruelty against powerless people. It's good you are taking a first step in your healing.
A lot of people grow out of porn because at the end there is nothing more exciting and very few would go into stuff that hurt, eventually causing death. Your husband is old enough to find something else that stimulates his brain. One thing you could try is to be a dominatrix and see how he likes it when there is pain in sex.
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 December 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionFemale reader: I am truly sorry for your experience. I have never been sexually abused, however my best friend was for years when she was very young. She is also a very strong person, but still 25 yrs later she will still get very emotional about her experience. I can't do anything to help, but be there for her. I completely agree that any type of rape, real, portrayed by actors or imagined is sick.
That's why I came on this website to post my problems and get feedback. Based on what I have received so far, I believe it is time to make an appointment with a counselor. I can't do this by myself. I appreciate everyone's support and feedback.
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female
reader, VenusFlowerBasket  +, writes (12 December 2012):
I totally agree with the last poster. Video's of rape, whether real or not, are absolutely disgusting, and to get off on it is just sick.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 December 2012): I know what I'm about to post here is going to cause a lot of controversy. I feel I need to speak to those who are telling you that this is okay and the fact that the porn industry is making money off of this is utterly disgusting.
I am a rape survivor. I was raped at gunpoint. I was 20 years old when this happened to me. Even though I as the type of person that refused to allow this incident in my life to ruin my life, doesn't mean that I didnt had a lot of hurdles to go through in order to pick up the pieces just to function. Rape is one of the most degrading things that can be done to a woman. You're powerless, in pain, and what's worse rape can take away the precious moments of having sex with someone who loves you because some asshole has made it ugly for you. You can't possibly imagine the pain I went through at such a young age! For people to capitalize off of something that degrading and devastating is just sick. The mere fact that people are telling you its just "fantasy" and you should get over it is callused!
Millions of people are raped every day and for people to get off on it just turns my stomach! I don't want nobody to go through what I went through. My bottom line is, if you are so desensitized from that much porn use then something is wrong! Some things are simply not ok.
I know this is not really related to your post, but I felt I had to speak out to those people who are informing you that this is okay. Nothing about rape is cool fantasy or not. I lived that nightmare and it pained me for people to be so nonchalant about it.
Whatever feedback I receive, its fine. Sometimes you just have to speak out for what you believe is right. I do wish you the best in fixing your marriage.
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 December 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you YOS and everyone else. I hit the rate this answer, however, i am not sure which star means what, so please forgive if it wasn't a good or great rating.
I did read yourbrainonporn article. Hard to read, even though i understand addiction. denial is a huge part of it. I especially like your idea of seeing if he can restrain from watching porn for 90 days. Wonderful suggestion, never would have thought of that.
I am still very open to anyone's opinion. Thanks so much for your time.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 December 2012): Please can people stop sayng all men look at porn, I know a few people who don't use it, my sister's boyfriend, my friend who says he doesn't use it in a relationship but has a cheeky glance, another guy who I doubt is looking, and another one who caught his step dad and thought it was really bad so I doubt he does it himself. It's the women who are trying make themselves feel better that their boyfriends/husbands do it and the men trying to defend their actions.
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male
reader, Yos  +, writes (11 December 2012):
 "I understand addiction, I am actually in NA, been off pills for 5 years. I know the lengths addicts will go to on order to get what they want."
It sounds like he has some level of addiction to porn. Your experience will give you a great understanding of what he's going through. How an addict won't see their addiction, that it's always something or someone elses fault. And that no matter how honestly they mean it when they say they won't do it again, it's so easy to falter.
Porn addiction is a strange one: it's now clear that porn can be one of the most fierce addictions there is. And that this addiction is a true addiction: with all the structural brain and chemical changes that a deep addiction can bring. Plus the cravings, depression, side effects and withdrawal associated with for example drug addictions. Not everyone gets addicted to porn of course, just like not everyone gets addicted to gambling or drugs. But it happens, and is happening a lot.
The tough one is that this is such a new understanding that it' hasn't (quite) reached the mainstream. And there are vast business interests that really don't want this known. This makes it particularly difficult to deal with an addict as they're living in a world where much of the feedback they get is positive: 'of course porn is ok' etc. Think back to those 1950s ads where doctors were recommending which brand of cigarettes to smoke...
As you know the first step is to beating your addiction is to understand and acknowledge you are addicted. The yourbrainonporn site is great for that. But there's also a very simple experiment he could try, if you can get him to. Ask him to give up porn for 90 days, completely. If he's not addicted this might be missing out, but it won't be a problem. Tell him that he doesn't need to tell you about it, because he can of course hide his porn use from you as he has been. Rather it's for him to find out if he's addicted. If he is addicted then within a few days he'll be craving and within a week he'll be experiencing withdrawal... and he won't make 2 weeks let alone 90 days. Any person who experiences that then has a good chance of admitting to themselves that they are an addict.
Good luck.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 December 2012): People can claim how men all look at porn, and how it's natural. But the thing is he's doing something that is hurting you, he knows it's hurting you, and he keeps doing it. Why would someone who loved someone do that?I'm just gonna back up what Yos said. if your husband is harmless, chances are, yeah it's just he's so desensitized to porn, that he needs more extreme things. It's surprisingly common with internet porn. Since there's extremely easy access.And people say porn is harmless. I second what he said, show him the yourbrainonporn. He won't quit until he realizes how bad it's screwed him up. The fact that watching porn has literally warped his brain. Generally people don't like that. Thats why addicts quit, they realize that their reality has been altered with, and they don't like it.
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 December 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for your responses, I appreciate and respect everyone's opinion. I would like to give a little more information. I haven't thrown away or blocked cable access for 14 years, i did that twice and one of the movies i threw away was before we were even married. I did know that he watched porn, I gave that information as a reference to how I feel about it. For the last ten years I know, on several occassions, he has rented porn from a local movie store. I never said anything, never gave him grief.. This video store is now closed. When they went out of business, they put all of their movies on sale. When I found out about the online membership, I also found 39 movies, all porn, that he bought when this video store went out of business. In my opinion, a little much. After the initial blow up of me finding this membership, we did have a talk about how much porn he had. He agreed to give them away or sell them. I told him I would appreciate that, but he did not have to get rid of all of them, I just think almost 40 movies was a little extreme. During this same conversation, he told me that he understood the impression of the anime videos and he didn't see it that way when he was watching them, and he wouldn't watch porn online anymore. About a month later, guess what is in his truck in a bag he uses for work? Yes, the 39 movies he has supposedly already gotten rid of. Yes, I got angry, I was lied to. He gave them all to me and told me to get rid of them. I again, asked if he wanted to keep some of them. He said he did not want to be confronted with the movies again. Now, here we 2 months later and he is still ordering movies via on demand, 2-3 a month, and he is watching forced sex and rape videos online, these are not cartoons, they may be actors, but the women are still begging the man/men to stop.He has is laptop password protected. He will not willingly give me his password. I have asked him for it, and he asks why do you want to know. On my computer, I am Not 'allowed' a password. If I do, I am hiding something. What gives? I understand addiction, I am actually in NA, been off pills for 5 years. I know the lengths addicts will go to on order to get what they want. He knows how to clear his history and cover his tracks, I just think he forgets sometimes. He has never been rough with me, and more than likely beat the day lights out of anyone he witnessed abusing someone.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 December 2012): So everytime you find out he has been watching porn you get rid of it and make him out to be the bad guy. Of course he is going to LIE to you about his porn useage. That's his way of avoiding conflict everytime you stir it up. Look he is keeping his porn private. Or trying to anywaym he isn't flaunting it in your face. So really you are invading his personal space when you throw out his porn or block his cable etc. You really have no right to do that. And its silly to think that doing so would work anyway. All you've done is taught him to become sneakier and to lie more.
You have to accept that you cannot control your husband. Trying will only frustrate you more and cause him to lie and sneak around more. Accept that he has free will and is allowed to do what he wants as long as it is not harming you or anyone. And no the fact that you're insecure about it doesn't mean his continued useage is harming you as he has been trying to keep it private and away from you all this time.
You need to change your attitude to porn if you want to stay married to him and want him to make changes too. I am sorry but marriage is not always easy it is hard work. You have to learm to compromise not demand it be hundred percent your way. And deifintely cut out the control attempts. Its just unreasonable to expect him to go from really into it to zero forever. He likes porn and nothing you say or do can make him not like it. Throwing out his porn or blocking the cable does not change the fact that he wants it. Asking him to pretend he doesnt like it willnot actually make him un-like it. Asking him to completely give up something he likes is unreasonable. Asking him not to flaunt it or spend tons of money on it is more reasonable but he already was doing this anyway.
As for his rape fantasy. Its a fantasy meaning not real. The thing is in those types of porn the woman in the anime is actually enjoying it so its not a real rape either. I bet that he would be just as disturbed as you if he saw a real rape or knew someone he cared about got raped.
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male
reader, Yos +, writes (11 December 2012):
He's probably been looking at porn for a long time. For many men porn gets less interesting /effective over time so they tend to increase the intensity. This means finding more and more extreme porn. It's the same process that a drug user takes more over time, or a gambler tries to gamble more (if they have it).
The result is that it's common for very normal guys to be into extreme porn. This is why there is so much extreme porn out there: it's catering to the market.
The men themselves usually feel (more or less) disgusted with themselves after they've masturbated to this extreme porn. Yet at the same time they need it to 'get off'. One common problem is men who worry they might be gay after watching trans-sexual porn (chicks with dicks). In reality they've just escalated due to desensitisation and are not becoming bisexual / gay.
I'm sure your husband would rather be jerking off to regular porn, it just doesn't do it for him anymore, a process that's out of his control.
There's one other factor: when it comes to porn the 'shock value' of extreme porn brings it's own chemical buzz. The sense of 'i shouldn't be looking at this' adds an extra level of intensity that long-term porn users become attracted to as they get bored of (desensitised to) ordinary porn.
I suggest you read this site, and especially get your husband to read it. It might make him want to quit porn altogether, it had that effect on me:
www.yourbrainonporn.com. It's one of the links on person12345's list (many others on her list are great too).
Good luck.
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female
reader, person12345  +, writes (11 December 2012):
 "He was so mad at me for thinking that he would get off on rape."
No he's mad at you for finding him out when he's trying to hide it. I doubt he's going to actually rape anyone. I also do not think that what someone is into is a vacuum totally divorced from reality. I think that it would be absolutely horrifying to find out someone you love and trust is getting off on rape, like just sickening. If someone was getting amusement from rape, like if they were watching a movie and a rape scene came on and they started laughing, you'd think they were awful. So why is it better if someone is seeking out the videos and getting off?
I think you two should see a counselor about this one. it's been going on so long and has escalated pretty badly, it can't be fixed with a couple hundred words online.
I have many links about this on my profile as well, I think they might help you to read through them.
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female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (11 December 2012):
Rape fantasy is a common one. Some women have it too and would like to role play in real life. They like the passion and the adrenaline rush. Your husband sees that this is not your thing and does not expect you to like it. He does not have to hide it or lie to you though. People can get off on rape, there is nothing to be ashamed about. You chose to marry him, stay married for 15 years knowing he has a porn habit. There is nothing you can do now to change his habit. The only thing you can do is express how you feel. Maybe you feel left out, you feel like you can't compete with porn actresses, or you worry that his brain gets used to too much stimulation that he is not excited by you anymore. Just make sure he is not addicted to it. People who get into addictions feel the emptiness of life. They need something taboo to make them feel something. I understand having some weird fetishes now and then, but paying for a membership, that's too much. When you talk to him, don't accuse or attack, show your concerns. Do something together as a couple to help you connect. He needs to get back to reality and treat you as a priority. The more you make him feel wrong about his fetish, the more he's better at hiding a taboo which seems sweeter to him.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 December 2012): Well, Pandora's box is open. Nothing you can do about that now.
What he is watching is likely a dark fantasy from the most light-devoid parts of his brain. We all have them. Men anyway. That is why we try to keep them to ourselves. They are private.
To uncover and display them as you have humiliates him. Just tell him how to clean up his search history and to limit his porn use to times when you are not around.
Once he knows how to use discretion it is doubtful you'll hear anymore about it.
Flynn 24
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