A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My husband and I have been married for 2 years, he's 41 and I'm 32. I had this friend, or so I thought she was. We were great friends, but we did hang out a few times. My husband and I started having some marital difficulties, and during that time he started going out more and more with his friends and staying out late. I thought he was cheating, so I checked his phone records. Well there it was, he and this "friend" of mine had been talking 4-5 times a week 12 minutes here, a half an hour there. I went ballistic. I confronted both of them saying how hurt I was, etc. My husband kept saying they only spoke about me, that I don't believe, not 5 tines a day. I asked her, and she said he came onto her a few times but nothing happened. I just don't know what to believe. My husband and I now fight every day, and I get called nasty names from him and get accused of cheating all the time. I'm sick of it. I firmly believe it's his guilt over what happened, but im so confused over what REALLY happened. Any advice? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (24 October 2011):
 Your husband is using a football/military tactic...the best defense is a good offense. Don't sucker for it; HIS hand was in the cookie jar. Distance the friend and tell your husband he needs to straighten up and fly right or there will be unpleasant consequences.
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (24 October 2011):
 sounds to me like you caught him. If he is accusing you of cheating i'm going to bet he's doing it himself.
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A
male
reader, eddie85 +, writes (23 October 2011):
 It sounds like you caught your husband red-handed and he is defending or at least avoiding the issue of his bad behavior by going on the attack. Whether he truly came on to this other woman or was just talking about his issues with you, he did cross the boundary and was sharing intimate details about your lives together with another person. He should be talking to you about problems, and if he feels he can't come to you with his problems, then that signifies that there are communication issues.First off, I would encourage you to contact your friend and ask her not to take your husband's phone calls any longer. I don't think she is at fault here as she appears to be a somewhat innocent bystander in this whole mess.Secondly, I think you need to seriously consider seeing a marriage counselor -- either go yourself -- or as a couple. That way you can get your issues onto the table with a "referee" there.Thirdly, make sure you listen to your husband's complaints. Sometimes during arguments there is a tendency to talk more than listen. Obviously he has certain issues that he needs to share with his friend(s) that you aren't hearing. What is he complaining about? Is his arguments valid?Lastly, consider writing him a letter. You are obviously an articulate and bright woman, why not try it? Often times that is the BEST way to communicate. Explain to him your sadness, your love for him and how you want to work things out. Leave your arguments / complaints out of it, and use it as an olive branch / truce and see where it leads you.Hopefully my suggestions will help you, but its up to you to take the next steps.Good luck.
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A
female
reader, unmeidaagonyaunt +, writes (23 October 2011):
 Men tend to turn their anger outward, whereas women tend to turn their anger inward.
Long story short: if he is accusing you of cheating, it is because the idea has come up in his head first. Whether your "friend" and husband became physical is beyond the point. What IS the point is that they crossed a line that should not have been crossed.
Cut your "friend" off. Put the husband on notice that guilt or no guilt, you are going to see a therapist and are fighting for the marriage. It's up to him to fight with you, or against you. Hopefully he will make the right choice.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 October 2011): I agree with Moo's Mum, he has been caught and he is trying to turn this around on you, don't let him do it. You need to discuss all of this with him as well as your marital difficulties. Cut this friend out of your life.
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A
female
reader, Moo's Mum  +, writes (23 October 2011):
 He's being nasty because he's been caught and trying to make you the bad guy in the situation to make himself feel better.
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