A
female
age
36-40,
*eartbreakid
writes:i typed a whole chunk but deleted it.. actually i think what i really want to ask is:1) why is my partner always so chilled when we fight? she could ignore me the entire day and still do her own things while i agonise and wait for her to talk to me. when i asked, she said she was just too tired to care and just wanted a peaceful relationship. but why is she not afraid of losing me? 2) why do i feel so emotional and helpless whenever we fight, even though it's not my fault? it's been 2.5 years and i'm really tired of her disrespecting me, which she'd call them jokes. if i ever become worked up over her "jokes" she would end up getting mad at me. 3) she's been very generous with me, and would buy me expensive stuff on special occasions. these materials have made me feel obliged to give in to her. how do i stop feeling that way?4) our frequency in sex dropped tremendously after half a year, right after we adopted a dog whom we've allowed to sleep on our bed for the past 2 years. but even when we travel and have alone time, we just don't feel doing it with each other. maybe we got too comfortable with each other.. how should we do if we decide to continue to be together. affection is very important to me... i can't help but feel she's no longer attracted to me sexually and vice versa.
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female
reader, heartbreakid +, writes (23 February 2015):
heartbreakid is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you so much for your input, WiseOwlE and Female anonymous. You have made me realized that my overreactions for the past few years were partly triggered by her passive agressive behavior. just googled the warning signs and ways to deal with a passive aggressive person, I don't know if I can put up with it. it's almost impossible to communicate my feelings with her and I'm someone who is extremely sensitive towards my emotion. I have purchased a book on passive aggressive behavior will give it a read... sigh.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 February 2015): WiseOwl,she is a girl too :) We are talking of two girls :)I agree on 1+3 completely with WiseOwl-1) getting into a big fight is not productive. It's emotionally draining 3)So? SHE decided to give you those gifts. thankful-yes,but you have no obligations to be "subservient"Funnily enough I think I was in a similar situation to you.I know EXACTLY how you feel about the gifts.In my case, it was not gifts,but he was paying for everything, but I was uncomfortable with that and yeah,I felt that I had to agree with him on many things because of it. It gets to a boiling point though-I realised after a while,that yes,he was paying for everything BUT it was only for things HE wanted to do (and sometimes I actively disliked but went along to coz of him) and that ME being there was actually what he wanted/what he was getting out of the deal.I stopped feeling so guilty afterwards,because I realised he simply did what made HIM feel good.She is in a position to give you those gifts?Ok,soooo? I mean,I'm not one to be swayed by money (it seems that neither are you),so a)accept them and forget about it coz SHE CHOSE how to spend her money and she decided she was going to spend it on you b) say: "Sorry,that's too much.I can't accept it."It's ok not to accept a gift and say why you feel that way,as in "I'm sorry,I feel I can't reciprocate this,so I feel we shouldn't be exchanging gifts above a certain value range. I can afford X. Would you agree to this?"If she still doesn't care/spends more on it-well,I say, then I say you shouldn't be too worried about their value as she obviously isn't!The other things: don't know,just can tell you that I felt a bit like you (as in I felt the lack of "fights". People kept telling me how lucky I am,but honestly to me it just felt like the "passion" element of the relationship was lacking when there were no fights. Sounds familiar? I didn't want a big fight,I didn't want to make him unhappy,but I wanted to SEE how he FEELS. I wanted him to SHOW me his emotions.Again,I don't know if that rings any bells with you or not,but just accept that she won't. It's not that she doesn't feel-it's just that she expresses feelings in a more rational and less emotional way than you. Her personality is very different from yours. Have you noticed that maybe your way of resolving problems (i.e. not relationship problems,just everyday ones-like how to get from A to B when stuck somewhere,might be very different too?). IF it IS=different personalities=different approach to problem resolution.)I'm sure she cares. She wouldn't have stayed with you despite the lack of sex if she didn't.So there are feelings/emotions but maybe after a while together you have started taking each other for granted?Very used to one another? Very comfortable?If it's only that-all couples reach that at one stage or another.You have to overcome it IF you want to stay together.Maybe discuss ways in which you can ignite the spark?OH,and don't hide the truth.TELL HER that you feel she is NO LONGER attracted to you. Don't start fights about OTHER things just so that you an get a REACTION out of her about this ONE thing you actually wanna know/care about.TELL her what your fights were actually FOR.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 February 2015): 1) She may remain chilled, because you're overreacting and she knows mirroring your anger is pointless. Sometimes there is better way to communicate your displeasure better than losing your temper, shouting, and arguing. It is also a little bit of passive-aggressive behavior on her part; because she knows it annoys you.
2) You are a very emotional guy. The rare type who is in-touch with his emotions; and may have grown-up in a household with a single-mom, or several sisters. You know how to express your feelings; but you don't know how to deal with your anger. You allow your immaturity to get the better of you, and you lose control. Then once you cool-down, you realize how unnecessary your anger was. You don't like her jokes; because her brand of humor is mocking and making fun of you. Also a passive-aggressive behavior on her part. She is mean; but she knows how to hide it well. Soft on the surface, and nasty beneath it.
3) This is not her problem. It's yours. Give from the heart and you don't have to worry about the comparative costs of the gifts.
4) You are right about getting very comfortable with each other. The frequency of sex rises and falls, or plateaus over time. It happens to all couples. You also have a lot of tension between the two of you; because there is some incompatibility between your personality-types. You would be more in-tune with someone more lay-back, more open about her feelings, funny but not a teaser; and you need to get a grip. Make sure she's the girl in the relationship. You can't be too whiny.
Your relationship may have run its course; and you remain together out of complacency. Maybe some codependency. It might be inconvenient to go your separate ways; probably because your finances are intertwined. This is often the reason many couples just put-up with each other; while their resentment grows and grows for one another. Usually one finds somebody else on the side; and that's when they decide to breakup.
I take a leap and guess that you don't have the courage to leave her. I speculate the thought of being alone scares you. You also think just pushing things aside; that time will cure your problems; but that's not happening. You both have to have line of communication. I gather she doesn't take you seriously; because you are an emotional guy. You can only tolerate not being taken seriously but so long. I also think you've become fed up with her indifference to your concerns. In all fairness to her; she has probably become conditioned to be that way; because you may be a moody person. We're only getting your side of the problem.
You're unhappy, my friend. Rather than be miserable, dump her.
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