A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Ever since we got engaged, my fiance has been trying to look different. While I want her to have all the freedom she wants (I don't want to be controlling), She is no longer recognizable to the attractive, beautiful woman she was. She used to criticize tanning saying it was unhealthy and bad for your skin, but suddenly, she is now a tan-o-holic herself. She also once had this beautiful, brown, flowing hair, but has since gotten highlights and is now blonde (my personal opinion, doesn't look good on her). Her latest kick is going on a Weight Watcher's plan and is counting fat and carbohydrates all day, when I don't think she is by anymeans overweight. Note that I never even mentioned or though any of these things, she just started doing them on her own.She once asked me a long time ago how I thought she looked, and I told her how "stunningly attractive she is". Now times have passed, and I am stuck. She wants me to be honest with her always, and so I am stuck telling her a "white lie" and saying she still looks beautiful, even though in reality, I miss the old her, and I think all these changes have made her somewhat unattractive (and annoying-she gets grouchy if she doesn't get her tan and hair dye, and now only eats "certain foods").Why is she changing like this, and what do I do? Do I just accept that (sadly) she is no longer attractive to me like this, and keep telling her "white lies?"
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female
reader, angelDlite  +, writes (19 October 2011):
 what is your relationship like, in general? do you think she might be feeling a bit stifled or controlled by you? if everything else is ok, then i don't think you should worry about her appearance. lots of girls get bored with their look and want a change from time to time, she is probably sorely disappointed that you don't like the blonde hair and is hoping you will change your lifelong preference just to suit her style at the moment.
definitely talk to her about the relationship, ask if there is something she is unhappy with so this change in direction could he a symptom of something more important, or it could just be she fancied a change in her appearance. you are not gonna know unless you ask her though
x
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (19 October 2011): Hey everyone, thanks for the responses. A few add on points,
She has started a new job in April, after graduated college, and as such, has made a few friends.
My job is seasonal, and due to 3 people quitting, my workload has drastically picked up.
The irony of her hair gets me the most. No offense to the blonde girls out there (I don't mean no harm), but I have usually had an attraction to brunette girls, and she knows this. So why she is trying to change herself to a blonde and ask me if I think she is sexy, when she knows that I have told her many times in the past how I like darker hair colors?
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (18 October 2011):
 you should tell her... tell her the truth.
do not lie to her...
if she asks tell her.
as for her hair.. you need to let her know you think it looks better dark...
I'm very glad my boyfriend has no qualms about letting me know what's attractive to him... how else can I modify what I do to please him if I don't know...
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A
female
reader, angelDlite +, writes (18 October 2011):
why the change? has she gotten new friends? does she go out more or has changed her job? has she started to idolise someone who looks this way? (a celebrity or someone she knows) maybe she did not really feel confident before, and it does not sound as if this making her confident either. i agree with person12345, about the body image problem. there is no harm in telling her that you preferred her hair brown and you preferred her natural skin colour. in a few years time she will regret all the tanning, that's if she doesn't get skin cancer first.
when you got engaged, do you think you may have (without realising) started to pay her less attention and she is doing all this to try to become irresistible to you again? i am not trying to lay the blame on you, just looking for reasons for her need to look totally different than her real self
x
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 October 2011): The other posts make sense, but I can't help wondering about how you say this started when you got engaged.
Some women treat the whole marriage thing as a bit of a procedure in the sense that they can spend months and years "preparing" themselves for their eventual big day.
Basically speaking, the women feel that they must "improve" themselves and also they start to "enjoy" whatever procedures they are carrying out - but I don't necessarily mean "enjoy" in the sense of "fun" - more like, doing these procedures inwardly endorses their sense of self worth and of the idea of becoming married and having to "peform" on the big day.
Maybe your fiancee would benefit from the two of you discussing more about your future together, so that she feels reassured about it all and perhaps less unconsciously "pressured" to "come up with the goods". You could also divert her inclinations in regard to all this "preparation" by getting her interested in other things connected with your future together - like interior decorating or gardening if you have a garden...whatever you think you both might engage in through your life together. Worth a try, anyhow!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 October 2011): Even though you have told her she looked great before she started all this, some women just can't help but doubt that! I have the same problem. I easily become obsessed with the way I look and perceive myself differently and I had to learn to trust my boyfriend when he tells me he likes me as I am. I have never been overweight but went on a diet and when you restrict what you eat it can make you irritable and grumpy. Be honest with you girlfriend and say that you know she is making a massive effort to look and feel good about herself but you really preferred her how she was. Tell her you fell in love with her looks and that changing them now is like changing who she is to you. Also the weight watchers thing is pretty daft. How about suggesting to her if she wants to make some healthy changes to her diet then stop weghy watchers and you can cook healthy meals together at home and exercise together, cycling or jogging and then you are encouraging her to stop the fad diets and make healthy changes.
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A
female
reader, desirewhitefire  +, writes (18 October 2011):
 One time I colored my hair red because I thought my boyfriend would like it. He once said in passing that he liked redheads, and I wanted a change anyway, so I tried out the red. He hated it on me. And he told me so. I put it back to medium blond. Only she can tell you her true motivation for being this way. It could be because she feels that you will find her more attractive. Have you ever commented on another woman being good looking, even if it was just a compliment to the woman and you didn't mean anything else by it? Has she become acquainted with any new people lately? Is she hanging out with new friends? Once a good friend of mine, who was a tom boy, never had a boyfriend and was a virgin until she was 26, started hanging out with a girl she worked with. Suddenly overnight our virginal tom boy friend started going to the gym and dieting, wore make up, bought new feminine clothing, starting highlighting her hair and straightening it...we didn't know what the hell was going on with her. She even pierced her lip like her friend.
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A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (18 October 2011):
 Why don't you try telling her? It sounds like she may have developed a severe body image problem and may want to consider talking to a therapist.
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