A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My ex is planning to travel to the same country I went to, after refusing to come with me when we were together. I broke up with my ex 4 months ago. We were together for over 3 years. I broke up because I felt he showed little interest in sharing his life with me and was not as affectionate or interested in sex as I was, which led to me feeling neglected or as if he didn't appreciate me or want to be with me. The decision to end it came when I went travelling for 4 months. I asked if he wished to join me for a couple of weeks, which he could have done, but he declined saying he couldn't afford it and didn't enjoy travelling. I didn't push him, because, well, I'm not a pushy person! I'd rather a partner chose to share these experiences with me. While away I realized my dream is to one day live in another country. I told him this when we broke up and he agreed it was for the best because he didn't feel a spark for me.However, I spoke to him in the first time in ages recently. He told me he is going for a 2 week holiday in one of the countries I traveled to and not only that, he is also thinking about going to live in the continent I told him I wanted to live in! He also mentioned he is thinking of buying viagra because he thinks he needs it, which could be a reference to the fact he rarely wanted sex with me and I was fed up with it. I don't think he "needs" it, I just felt he needed to make more effort to have sex more often. It was fine when we had sex, he just rarely wanted it. Do you think he may be saying to me that he can change and wants to get back with me? Or is he just trying to make me feel bad by doing the things he knew I wanted to share with him now that we are split? I got mixed messages from our conversation. I felt that he was trying to tell me how he's changed in the ways he knows were the reason I broke up with him. But he also asked if I had a boyfriend yet, and said that he thinks/hopes I will get one soon, because I am the nicest girlfriend he's had, and then he said his friend fancies me. Like he was trying to cheer me up and give me romantic hope, not that I actually want a boyfriend right now necessarily.I just listened to him and tried not to show how affected I was by his choice to travel. I offered him advice on travelling. I am happy he is doing something like this, it is an amazing thing to travel. But why didn't he ever want to do it WITH ME? Why wait til we broke up? Is he doing this to hurt me? or impress me? Did he just genuinely not want to do fun things WITH ME? If he wants to get back together and work things out, surely expressing this to me would be more constructive? I'm so confused :s I do still care about him a lot, breaking up was NOT an easy decision. But he just seemed so un-into me and he pushed me away when I tried to initiate affection or suggested doing anything together ie a meal out, cinema, holiday etc. To me that was a clear signal that he was with me out of convenience. Why plan to copy my future plans now, that he full well knows I have planned and are the main reason I gave when I broke up with him? Part of me does feel that I gave up on something good, because I was expecting him to behave a certain way when he is only going to be himself. And I have difficulty in asking for what I want and need as I feel I perhaps don't deserve to have my needs met and should please others first(upbringing). But when I did try to talk to him about my wishes when we were together, he would listen but make little effort to do what I wished or worst times, he would get angry and rant at me. I didn't know how to change things. I know it was all to do with communication styles. I know we once did love each other massively, but time changes relationships and we are 2 different people. I care about him a lot. What is his behaviour telling me?
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 April 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI never did look at him as sexless with no sense of adventure. He is a good deal older than me so I have thought maybe I was just not being understanding of his naturally lower sex drive, due to age(early 40s). I just thought why does he not want to share things like adventurous trips, experiences, sex with me? I knew he had done such things in the past, but we me, no interest. That's why it hurt, and now it's over with me suddenly he wants to travel again. Like I'm not worth sharing adventure with... But maybe that's me being immature. He just was in a stage in life where he was settled and had done "all that" before.
Maybe he was just going through a difficult time in his life when I was with him and he didn't realize how he was affecting me because I am not very good at expressing how I am really feeling.
Life is not black and white, I am coming to realize. There are many grey areas in relationships. I don't believe that there is anyone who can truly "fit" you, because we are not stationary beings, we are in constant flux like a river. Sometimes our lives flow together, sometimes not. I just don't want to lose touch with him because when our lives flowed together it was magical and I don't think I've ever felt as close to another person. Maybe I am just naive. I guess at times I have never felt more distant from another human either. Which became too much to bare.
But I still feel for him deeply and the thought of him being sad tears me apart. The thought of him being old, alone and dying without me in his life breaks my heart. I know I'm prob not that special to him, only he knows that. I wish I was though.
I just don't understand his behavior... Maybe it did take me breaking up with him to realize how he felt about me, and this copying me and telling me of his plans of self improvement are just his way of expressing that. Or maybe I am being vain and paranoid and the break up just made him want to do something different with his life. Maybe he doesn't really want to get back with me after all. I guess only he knows...
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 April 2012): This guy is immature and you shouldn't listen to a word of this rubbish!He is clearly trying to show you 'how much he has changed' with words alone and you'd be a fool to be bothered by it. him talking about viagra is just a conversation you two should not be having and i think you need to just let it go. He wasn't good enough for you, why can't you accept that? While you were off being adventurous and even to this day dreaming about the exciting challenge of living abroad, he is just throwing words at you, caught up in his simpleton lifestyle and being immature time fifty by not even being selfconscious of the insensitive/disrespectful comments he is making to you. They are disrespectful, he doesn't make effort and then launches into how cool he is travelling all of a sudden? what?!I know its tough to realise it, but you will when you find that awesome guy who matches you, that this ex is not worth your time and a loser.I had lived overseas, in europe and had a LDR with a similar guy(2yrs before it wasn't LDR). He did the same thing , almost exactly. I ended it, he started talking about his euro trrips blah and blah ..many other 'impressing' talk like he goes to the gym now, meditates.. well guess what ..in that time that has passed i lived in two different countries, have had a baby with my new awesome european partner and am about to move to the south of france for months just to enjoy the life and learn french(a long time dream). Can you see the possibility? This guy is just like my ex, he was inappropriate, disrespectful and a lot less of a person than I thought he was at the time. My ex 's life has changed little. He married too, but it was an arranged marriage, he is still is the same dull town and with the same freinds. Just focus on yourself, I know its hard but once you get over that hill, you pick up speed and many things are possible.Cut the contact, write him a send off email if you must and just put it all out there..ie how he was a letdown etc. And walk away knowing you have things to move on to!Claire
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (27 April 2012):
 He wants to get back with you and he wants to see where you stand before asking straight out. If you say no at least you won't look at him as a miserable sexless guy with no sense of adventure. Your break up forced him to do something about his ED. Do you know how humiliating it is to go to the clinic and tell people he has ED at his age?
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