A
female
age
30-35,
*atx3
writes:We've been dating for 9 months, so we've pretty much went through almost everything. From him losing interest, being too controlling, and me being sick of putting all the effort into our relationship because i wasn't getting anything back. Everything has been going great, but recently he started distancing himself from me and i dont understand why.He doesnt text me as much anymore, doesn't respond back to some of my texts, and he doesn't even try to keep the conversation going. Its like a tug of war with him, i have to pull stuff out of him to have a decent conversation. I only see him 2 a week cause of his work schedule so the only way we can communicate is through texting, since he doesnt like talking on the phone.Hes become very controlling. Two nights ago he got upset that a guy asked me to prom, and told me that i made his night ******* great and wouldn't respond to any other of my texts. I waited till 8 the next day to text him and he has been being all one worded ever since. Today he texted me just saying hey being boring and not acting like his usual sweet self. I asked if everything was okay and he said yes baby.I don't get it. Everything was going perfect and now hes distancing himself..he has commitment problems but i thought we got through that the first 6 months.Tomorrow were having our valentines day dinner, should i confront him then? But i'm scared hes gonna get angry and become defensive and not understand my point. Whats the deal with him?!
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female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (12 February 2010):
 Distancing himself from you is a danger signal that your relationship is on rocky grounds.It could be due to some unresolved issues.
It is a natural reaction for men as they do not want to confront the issue openly but to withdraw back into their shells.
His could be piqued and his pride and ego wounded about something you mentioned and you can guess the reason why.It may take some time for him to recover or be his own self again.
It is also possible that he may have lose interest or found someone new.This is just a probability or another perspective only and may not be true.
You may have the perception that everything is going on well on your side but his distancing or aloofness is a symptom that it is not well on his side.
You will need to find the right time and place and when he is in a very good mood to enquire about his strange behaviour .
Meanwhile , continue to shower your love on him.When he is ready to open up ,then you can find out why he acted that way.
A
male
reader, Griffo  +, writes (12 February 2010):
 This bloke has been corrupt by mind games, and he's playing them with you. wether he's interested or not its hardly worth being with a bloke who can't make his mind up himself.
If your in it, then your in it all the way right? and that means all the trust stuff like smsing back and always being there for your partner when he/she needs you most.
You can do and deserve better from someone.
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A
female
reader, Lexie88 +, writes (12 February 2010):
 When I read your question I got this sense that you're walking on eggshells for this guy...afraid he'll get angry, he won't understand you, etc.
Don't do that and don't delay talking to him. When you look at the problems you've had with the relationship, it seems like you've been the submissive one. He was too controlling, he lost interest and you still kept putting in all the effort...why?
Now he's distancing himself from you and you seem to be afraid to speak up? Are you scared of breaking up with him and being on your own? Don't be.
You're young, and I doubt that this guy will be the one you settle down with. He's not making you happy and you need to be happy. This whole relationship seems like a burden on you...even if you don't see it that way now. He's controlling, he's not caring, he doesn't show that he loves you...you don't need that.
So what's with him? Who knows...you say he lost interest before...do you know why? How did you get through that? Why did you stay? Something, for some reason, is not working for him. I myself would not accept his behaviour...let him take out his frustrations on someone else. You're his girlfriend and you deserve better.
Don't be afraid of speaking up...letting him know how he's making you feel. You need to feel happy and secure in a relationship and this is not what it seems like. If he wants to end it, then let him. You should not stay in a relationship in which you are not valued.
You need to speak to him and see what's bothering him. There is no use in avoiding the talk in case the relationship ends...you'd just be avoiding the inevitable.
On a lighter note though, it could all be fine...so have a talk with him.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (12 February 2010):
 Are you sure your relationship was going well before he distanced himself? Maybe he is not a good conversationalist and he faked his way through making conversations with you. Now that he's comfortable with you he can sit back and relax a bit. Maybe he's the strong silent type and doesn't know how to express feelings. Tomorrow tell him you miss being close to him and would like to spend more time together. You are still very young, you should be out doing stuff with him. Find out what you both enjoy doing. Was he upset because he thinks you are trying to make him jealous by mentioning about the guy asking you to go to prom? You should be asking your boyfriend to go to prom, rather than listening to his reactions after you tell him about the other guy. He is insecure, but not controlling. He would only contact you more if you give him positive reinforcement each time, instead of you nagging him.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 February 2010): I think you should just not talk about the relationship during your valentine's dinner and have a good time.
Nine months is a fair amount of time for a relationship to last at your age. Are either of you planning on furthering your education past high school? Do you know where you will be going to school?
Where do you see this relationship going, say a year from now, five years from now?
Don't you think perhaps that at both your young ages that this will not be the last relationship that either of you will be in?
Usually the first steps towards ending a relationship and breaking up is emotional distance. He is already planning to set up a separate life for himself. You might want to do the same. He doesn't owe you a relationship. If he has other plans for his life then he will at some point have to let you go...this will be hard for both of you, but if you can part with no hard feelings and understanding that it is time to move on, then it will be less upsetting for both of you.
For now, just enjoy the time that you have together and don't talk about the stuff you aren't happy with. Texting and all that stuff is trivial.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 February 2010): Well, it depends how old he is, because usually age has a lot to do with male psychology. I gather however that you are both fairly young, late teens, early twenties.
Basically, he may be making up the whole thing about being jealous as an excuse to leave you. You know, create a problem so he can end it.
Guys tend to get bored by girls, especially needy ones. They like adventure, freedom, the chase etc..
So basically, you have to look at your own life. Are you becoming too dependant on this guy. What is he really getting out of you. Sex, emotional satisfaction, security. These things are all alright if you are getting what you want, which is what? Attention? Confidence?
However, I have to be honest with you. The reality is, is that you should never depend on anyone but yourself. This way, people will always be attracted to you, and you will never suffer a great loss if you are left.
So my suggestion, look at your own life, and see where you can improve. Once you begin the self improvement journey, then you will notice a freedom you never felt.
Also, another way to keep a man is to help push him towards his own potential. People will always love and respect the people who encourage them.
But you have to get over your fears. They have no place in a fulfilling life. Just be yourself and if he doesn't want you, let him go. There is nothing more pathetic than a girl who clings to a guy who is trying to shake her. I have four brothers, and trust me, they might be sweet and lovey dovey to your face, but they could really just be trying to drop you.
THis is harsh, I know. But the closer you get to understanding people, the better off you are. Remember, don't be bitter. YOu can always embody the beauty you wish oher's had.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 February 2010): "We've been dating for 9 months, so we've pretty much went through almost everything. From him losing interest, being too controlling, and me being sick of putting all the effort into our relationship because i wasn't getting anything back."
Wow, going through all that in 9 months? After 9 months already he lost interest? Im not sure if thats how the norm is.
"he has commitment problems but i thought we got through that the first 6 months."
If a guy has commitment problems, its going to take more than a talk to get him over it. I actually don't think its possible to "get him over it" like that. He doesnt sound mature enough to commit.
Basically you are telling us, that during the 9 months you have been together, he has been controlling, distant, it's been a tug of war.. and it still is. Nothing has changed all of a sudden. He's just the way he was when you found him, not better, not worse.
Guys don't change and you can't try to change him either. Don't bring anything up during dinner, he wouldn't understand why, and neither do I. The guy is basically just the way he was when you first got together with him, its only that now you're starting to get fed up with it. But you can forget about "improving" him. That doesn't happen.
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A
female
reader, superwoman021  +, writes (11 February 2010):
im having the same trouble as you only mine is cause of his parents controlling him, i think you should try and have a nice dinner tomorrow, and see how is goes, if it doesnt go like you want then i would confornt him, it also seems like he is jealous of the other guy asking you to prom.
but good luck and let me know xx
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