A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:I’ve been with my boyfriend for 4 years, we have a child together now and he is 2. Our relationship has always been good but definitely had it’s fair share of ups and downs. Recently it just feels like everything keeps falling around me while I’m trying to hold it up. I want the best for our son, his happiness means the most to me- which is why I want this to work so badly. We disagree on just about everything, parenting, food, health etc. but he says things to me that I don’t think anyone should say to a person they “love”. He often tells me to “text my sisters” about living with them, but when I tell him that if I do that there’s no coming back from this he doesn’t say anything. I want so badly to be able to communicate about our wants and needs but also what is making us upset because you can’t get over a problem if you don’t solve it- he just believes in pushing it under the rug and acting like it didn’t happen. He often says “here we go again” or “I can’t do this anymore you always blame me” when I try to talk about the way he makes me feel. He often walks in front of me in stores ignores me and often will just disappear until I find him- I have asked him why he does this and he says he doesn’t notice I’m gone and then doesn’t want to play “cat and mouse” to find me even though I end up having to do it for him. He shames me for so many mistakes I’ve made in my life and I’ve never done that to him, it makes me feel so worthless, I get that nobody is perfect but why try to hurt someone purposely? why is it so hard to leave? Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 September 2020): You say your relationship has been good then go on to tell us about many times when it was awful and unbearable. You need to get a job, you need to have your own income and your own place. It is hard but single mums can do this.Your boyfriend enjoys seeing you squirm and feeling uncomfortable. He knows he has the upper hand and enjoys it.But he does not make you feel insecure or unworthy, those feelings come from you yourself. Nobody can make you feel anything. How you would feel is down to your personality and past not him. Another woman would be with such a man and tell him she can do better and leave him.Moaning about how awful he is will not get you anywhere - do something it - change your life. Make your life how it should be. No good waiting for your boyfriend to change, he has no need to and never will.You could stay with him until he eventually goes off with another woman or you can leave him and have more years of happiness. The choice is yours.Forget about relying on sisters and other people. Relying on other people is always a bad idea, it always leaves you feeling humble and unworthy and obligated and immature. You are of an age where you should be more adult now. Think of how wonderful it will be when you have your own place and you invite your sisters to visit you and your little one there. That is being grown up.
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 September 2020): "We disagree on just about everything, parenting, food, health etc. but he says things to me that I don’t think anyone should say to a person they “love”."
This is the advice that I would give my own daughter. I'd mean it with love; even it seems harsh and difficult to digest.
My dear, this is the very definition of incompatibility. You may have a son, but he came into a very immature and unstable household from the very start. Young couples bring children into unmarried-situations with starry-eyed notions that they will make it work as though they're married. If he's around your age, he's nowhere near ready for fatherhood; or being tied-down like an old and established married-couple.
If he talks to you any old-way, and abandons you when you're out together; that's an indication he wants to be single and on his own again. He feels he is a victim of circumstance. He's a father at a very young age; and living like he's married when he's not ready for that step. Supporting a young family, most likely financially struggling; and even if he makes a ton of money, he's not acting like a guy happy to be in this relationship.
Did you think having a baby would tie you together for life? Men leave kids and their mothers behind all the time. All that will tie you together is child-support and his visitation-rights. Otherwise, when he's done being in a relationship; nothing you can do will force him to want what you want. Everything you describe about him spells "resentment." He feels trapped, and he may still love his son. He just isn't ready to live together like a family in a faux-marriage.
You will eventually tire of enduring his coldness and mistreatment. You can wish for the best; but that requires you both to be on the same-page, and seeking the same goals for your relationship. He is telling you in everyway possible, this relationship has run its course. He wants out of it; and he's treating you poorly to force you to let-go. You can wrangle the words that he loves you out of him; until he becomes angry and pushed enough to tell you otherwise. Right-now, his actions speak louder than words! If he tells you that he loves you, why won't he behave like it? Maybe all was fine, until the child came into the picture. Maybe he pretended it's what he wanted?
It's hard to leave, because you're very emotionally-invested. Rejection feels like hell, and it's tough raising a kid alone. Especially, a boy without his father around.
You may have figured, in desperation, that you'd cement the relationship by having a child. That's what many desperate and frustrated-women do when their long-term boyfriends won't propose marriage; so they bring a kid into the picture to hold-on to him in anyway they can. The problem with that is, he'll feel trapped. Torn between his freedom, and not seeing his child. Knowing he will endure baby-mama drama; and the child will become a pawn between two parents who weren't really ready for parenthood. Both ascribing to completely different parenting-styles; and who can never agree on anything. The noise you make arguing gives the child night-terrors!
Sweetheart, you saw the incompatibility in the relationship long before you had a child. He didn't suddenly start wanting out; you sensed his restlessness, and you did whatever you thought necessary to secure the relationship. Hoping becoming a dad would make it work. He'd be happy having a son. He probably is, but he doesn't want to be your husband. That's what he's forced to pretend to be; not just a boyfriend.
Having kids often makes it worse. He abandons both, even going as far as giving-up his own kid to getaway from a relationship he no longer wishes to be committed to.
His feelings have changed, he's feeling stuck, and missing his freedom. Barely scratching a living, trying to keep a roof over everyone's head; and wishing he never had that kid! He can feel that, and still love the child. The regret is for the situation, timing, and the circumstances. Not for the child. He won't say it, but the actions you're describing speaks volumes! He still might love his son, but you haven't described any behavior that says he still loves you; the same as you think you love him. The story sounds all too familiar. A young-man, a young-woman, their child(ren); and a relationship that didn't culminate in marriage, but it lived past it's expiration-date. The child being used as a lifeline for a dying or dead relationship. You're living on life-support, he's about to pull the plug!
Prepare for the likelihood he is reaching the point he is ready to walkout. Make sure he pays child-support. Prepare to be mature and give him up for yourself; but be open to allowing him to be a good-father to his kid. If you think drama and conflict is going to be your way of getting even; it might make you feel vindicated, but there is a child in the middle of all this. That child's happiness and wellbeing comes before either of you, and your foolishness. The child deserves you to make wise and mature decisions; and both you and your child deserve happiness, and to be treated well. Better than well, treated with love and kindness.
If he wants to go, let him go; only that child-support check better be on time each and every month, until the child is 18! He better contribute to his college education, and teach his son how to be a good-man! Better than the one he is!
Try to be civil to each other for the child's sake. It's a tough decision, but reality has a way of bringing us to the point of acquiescence and concession. It will knock you in the head and break your heart; until you start to see things clearly, and do what is right. In this case, it's what's best for the kid; but you also deserve someone who wants you as much as you want to be with him. That's out there in the future; so deal with the present.
May God soothe your broken-heart, may He guide you to find your happiness; and may He help you to make the decisions best for you and your son. May He also make the boy's father the best dad, and learn to treat you with the respect and kindness that you deserve; even if he can no longer remain with you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 September 2020): You've invested everything in this relationship and now that you find your partner's behaviour intolerable you are finding yourself caught in a situation beyond your control.It is hard to move out and leave him and he knows it, so he is actually taunting you with this option.If you were to leave he would come around begging you for second chances.He's stonewalling when he refuses to talk things over.He has the upper hand because he knows how invested you are in this relationship and he is making no effort to treat you as an equal.You have become his baby mamma!Now,I don't like the sound of this walking off and ignoring you when you're out shopping together because it leaves you shopping and him ignoring you.But the worst thing is that he throws past mistakes in your face to try to make you feel small!The real problem is that this could become the pattern for your future and as you are young that could last a long time!That's not love.There's a hell of a lot of things that aren't love going on here, but you are prepared to put up with it.And this makes you feel worthless.I wish I could recreate you as a strong and independent woman.Only you can decide when you've had enough.Then you move out with your son.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 September 2020): Are you earning any money? Can you support yourself and your child? If not, you need to do something about it asap.For now, your bf is leaving up to you to either stay or go, what happens when the former is no longer an option? Not that living in this relationship is healthy for your kid.Now, there is a possibility that your over-devotion to your kid has caused a certain strife in your relationship. Both parents should be in this (and I mean children) together, sharing responsibilities and chores. That is how relationship between a parent and a child is formed. If you are the only one taking care of the kid, your husband may feel excluded, replaced. It may show that you don't trust him enough around the kid. SOmetimes the situation is not this clear. SOmetimes fathers want to leave everything to the mother and still ask for the same amount attention and affection they used to get before the kid. This is just not how things work. Left to their own devices many women get obsessed with their kids, and husbands feel ignored and become resentful. I even witnessed a case where parents started sleeping separately when the kid came, because the kids slept in the same bed! Five years later it was still the case! later on I was shocked to learn that many couples around me live like this or in a similar way. So, are you as a couple "in this" together? Is your son your mutual "mission"?You need to stop complaining. You need to be honest conversation with yourself about where you are at in life. Make a back up plan (for leaving) and sit your partner down and LISTEN to him. Instead of saying what I want, I'd first ask him what he wants. maybe you want the same thing but go about it in different ways. If you realize that he doesn't want you or the kid or he wants you in a way that you do not find fair,w ell you'll be ready to leave.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (25 September 2020):
 You know OP,
Staying with this guy will NOT be BETTER for your son. He will grow up seeing how your partner treats YOU and then TREAT you and other females the same way. The whole monkey see, monkey do is true. Kids learn from what they see.
I think if you look back at your parents relationship you might see that perhaps you are in a similar one?
The problem (I think) is not just that neither of you are good at communicating but that HE wants you gone. He is done. He just doesn't want to take that last "mean step" of kicking you out.
You say that he says "I can’t do this anymore you always blame me” when you bring up HIS behavior. Well, I can kind of understand that. You bring up your grievances thinking that IF he can understand then he should change. But as I am SURE you have heard more than once, people don't change unless they WANT to. Clearly, he doesn't.
Him walking away from you in the store shouldn't be a big deal to be frank. He isn't your kid. Nor should he stick to your pace around the store. I don't think it's about playing games at all, but YOU see it as such, WHY is that? He is a GROWN ass man! He can wander and look for toilet paper or grab the milk while you pick out vegetables (examples). My husband and I do the shopping together and we do NOT wander around together. We split the list in two, he does his half, I do mine. Maybe another issue is that you two don't know how to compromise and try different things, instead of YOU thinking that YOUR way is always correct?
As for him "shaming you" for things you have done in the past, you need to shut that down right away. There is no point in rehashing the past mistakes. From either side. You can't go back and change the past and neither can he.
Does it ACTUALLY make you worthless? No. So you might also need to learn to ACCEPT you have made shitty choices in the past but all you can do is LEARN from them, don't LET them define you.
Let me tell you a story. My 16 year old daughter (the youngest) had a friend (male) of hers call her a slut for wearing a dress. This wasn't a short dress (it hit the knees) and she was SO upset. I asked her if she WAS a slut? If a dress makes a person a slut, regardless of the length? And she said no, and no. So I told her to let go of being hurt and to wear whatever SHE wants to wear. And to tell this "friend" to go suck eggs, that he obviously isn't a vert smart person. And you know what? She mulled it over and wore SHORTS (again, not short shorts) the next day and the SAME friend asked her if she did it to "make him mad"... and she told him no, that she is going to wear whatever she bloody feels like because she doesn't NEED his permission or his approval. I think she learned a lesson. WORDS can not HURT you if you don't LET them.
Same with him digging up your past and tossing it like mud at you. YOU already know the mistakes you made. There is no need to keep beating yourself up FOR them. Learn from them and let them go. HE is doing this BECAUSE he knows it upsets you.
Lastly, I would say this, if this relationship is more NEGATIVE than positive, perhaps you should take him up on the "go live with your sisters" and leave him. Once you are there, get a job, file for child support and work on growing up and being the BEST you, you can be. For yourself AND your son. Your son needs a strong mom.
I don't think there is a future here with this guy. You say " We disagree on just about everything, parenting, food, health etc" Not agreeing on EVERYTHING can be OK, but when you have two people who are both unable to communicate effectively and ONE of you (him) not even WANTING to work on things. He is done. There is no point to beating a dead horse here.
My last piece of advice? Don't have kids with someone thinking it will last. If you down the road meet a new guy, TAKE your time getting to know him (before introducing your son and before having sex). Having kids with someone you CAN'T really see yourself with in 10-20-30 years is not smart. KIDS do need two parents. I fully believe that. But sometimes that means two parents who don't live together. Your son need HEALTHY male role models. IT is part of your job to make sure ANY potential partners ARE just that.
You already know this relationship is over. Accept that you can't MAKE it work on your own.
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