A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I've been with my boyfriend for a little while and I've noticed hes a bit off, about my male gay best friend. My best friend I've known for 6 years and we click on an emotional and intellectual way, obviously not sexually and he's 100% gay. But my boyfriend seems to be really distant when i talk of him in comparison to my female friends. My boyfriend is not homophobic he comes across to me as being not wholly fond of our friendship. I don't understand what the issue is there is no sexual chemistry. I think my boyfriend's behaviour is stupid and unnecessary and uncomfortable for me. I don't get it he I don't want him to feel uncomfortable. Can anyone explain?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 August 2015): Its because he is a man. Doesn't matter if he'd gay or not, boyf is probably not comfortable with you being close with another man. I've had had this with every boyf as I'm not very social I literally have one best friend, who I have known years go on holiday with etc . When I first knew him he was in the closet and had a gf, he came out later on , but as he tends not to display any 'campy\stereotypical' type behaviour( if that makes sense) some boyfs I've had don't think he is gay(or is bi) and are convinced me and him are going to go off together, even though he is like my brother and we've been mates 10 plus years with both of us being in commited relationships. In time some of my exs were ok with him the more they spent time with him but a couple just never got over it. Depends on your boyf.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 August 2015): This is an excellent topic. Welcome to DC, my dear!
For one thing, you've only been with your boyfriend for a short-time. He hardly knows either of you.
They are both men! His girlfriend shares many things on different levels with another male! Gay or straight, he's still viewed as somewhat of a threat; or competition for your attention and affections. We gay men are very protective over our female friends. We are often creative and stylish; but we don't really fit the stereotypes that phobes assign to us. We can kick-ass; yet style your hair and do your makeup. Just kidding here!
Just keep this in mind. Some gay friends get too much in their lady-friend's business, and may become a wedge in her relationships. Don't allow that to happen, or you'll be alone. With only a 100% gay man in your life. He won't let you get in the way of his relationships. I assure you!
Make sure you keep things balanced. There's plenty of love to go around, but you are nurturing a new relationship. That requires more attention right now. Girlfriend, we are talking about YOUR love-life. That's very important.
You should be very considerate of your boyfriend's feelings and his comfort in the presence of people you introduce him to. You may be uncomfortable with people he's very close to.
You haven't met them all. Or at least yet! Don't jump to any conclusions. He is uncomfortable, because it is all new to him. There's nothing wrong with that. If he behaves rudely, or is belligerent towards your gay friend, that's different.
On what evidence do you assume he is not homophobic? You're contradicting yourself?
You and your gay male friend relate in ways your boyfriend may not understand. Male friends of any persuasion will be sized-up by men who are romantically-involved with you. He is human, and if he doesn't hang with gay people; in all fairness, he should be given time to adjust to things. At his own speed. If it's not fast enough for you, you'll place yourself in the position of choosing between them. Do you want that? The right man comes along, you won't see your gay friend that much! Trust me! So don't go dismissing all your prospects; because they don't care for him. It's caring for YOU, that matters the most! He doesn't have to like your gay friend. If that's a prerequisite; then excuse my presumptuousness.
I'm gay, and have many straight friends. Some single and some married. Not all embraced me right off the bat. They got to know me. These people, their kids, extended families, and friends; are now my friends for life. I didn't go out of my way to prove anything. I am always myself. Take it or leave it. I am respectful and kind to people, and that wins people over anyway. I don't bite my tongue when I've got something to say either. That doesn't work for everyone. It does in the very diverse circle of people I know, choose to socialize with, and love.
It all depends on personality. If your gay friend is very effeminate or flamboyant; it takes time for straight men to get used to that. It isn't always due to homophobia or prejudices against gays. He's not gay, and your friend isn't his friend. He will not relate to him the same as you do. If you don't push or judge, they will adjust to each other on their own terms. You're being loving and protective. I think your gay friend has what it takes to win him over in his own way. We are natural charmers.
We're not hiding in shame or fear anymore. So boyfriend has little choice but to get a grip. Your friend should show him proper respect, and not over-emphasize how close you are. That is somewhat of an in-your-face type of attitude; and would be offensive to anyone. You may be overprotective in your own loving and caring way; but if you don't push things or take sides, all will naturally fall into place.
As long as he feels inclusive and not intrusive on your other relationship, I think your boyfriend will adjust to things. Just by the mere fact you are levelheaded, and open-minded; you choose people according to your experience and maturity. I would think you chose your boyfriend based on criteria and attributes that suit you well. Getting used to being around a gay man might take a little time and effort on his part. If he really cares for you, he'll do whatever it takes to keep you. If he can't deal with your friend, he has a right to his opinion. You don't have to share it.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (22 August 2015):
 Non homophobic men are intimidated by gay men because they are still men, and look like men. They have qualities that straight guys don't have. Maybe it's their sense of fashion, their sensitivities to art and the ability to listen. Your friendship with him makes your boyfriend feel like a chunk of relationship is stolen when he wants you to make him more of a priority. I myself find quite a few gay guys attractive (emotionally mainly), so I can understand why your boyfriend fears that you trust this gay friend more than him. Boyfriends want you to confide in them, they want to give you opinions and protect you. They don't want anyone else to take on that role.
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