A
male
age
,
*raig
writes:Why is it we "hurt the ones we love?" I know it's an old saying but I think there is much truth to it. We hurt the ones we love most. I wish it weren't true or even knew how to change it.It is no secret that I love my wife very much. It's no secret that we have our issues either. The lack of physical contact between us can be unbearable at times. Even worse than the lack of physical contact is the feeling of emotional void. It's like getting the silent treatment but worse.It makes me laugh to look at and see how we train each other to respond in certain ways. I have trained my wife to know I get easily frustrated. She has trained me to leave her the hell alone. Luckily for both of us we can still openly communicate. Not that we agree but we can at least talk about things. Just before she left for the week, I asked her if I would have my wife back when she returned. That of course opened the door for more stress. What really came of our conversation is that once more I learned that my brain was trying to play negative games with me. I assumed she didn't love me any more and that her distance was a reflection of something I did to cause the issue. In truth, I have nothing to do with her issue. She is facing many issues from a new job, paying bills to possible breast cancer that we STILL have yet to get resolved with her doctors. There is much need for concern but as typical, she stuffs it all inside and then crawls into her own world and pushes people away.Another thing that is true is men and women don't always share exactly what is on their minds with their spouses. Men have their men conversations (and NO I'M NOT telling what we talk about!) and women have their own scary versions of what goes on between them and their spouses. I have never questioned my wife's love for me but I have always wondered if she were really "In Love" with me. Through some outside sources (read her girlfriends) that will remain anonymous, I do have a wife that loves me very much. I just wish she knew better how to show it.I don't consider myself to be high maintenance but I'm not low maintenance either. I don't require lots of gifts or anything like that. For me, it's the simple things such as the phone call I received yesterday that express love that mean the most to me. I've had times in my life where I had all that I wanted. I've also had times (More than once) where I have literally lost all that I had. I love material things but in the end, that is all it really is... Material things. They can all be replaced. What can't be taken away is my memories and the love it brings.SO why is it that we stress out and then take it out on the ones we love the most. My wife didn't intentionally avoid me to make me upset or hurt me. She stepped into her own world where she can try and make herself feel safe. It just so happened that I felt hurt. Those feelings however belong to me and are caused by me so I cant' take it out on her. All I can do is love her and accept her as she is knowing that a better day will come.SO what do you do to stay in a safe place and try NOT to take your own fears and frustrations out on the ones you love? Reply to this Question
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 December 2010): Because, to be very simplistic, we can't really emotionally hurt those that don't care about us.
The way to change is to get help, and work together on things, put marriage relations first and foremost and work dedicatedly on this issue. You really must have professional help, and that may not work either.
It takes months, months, and months. Talking, talking, rehashing, and talking more. It takes being open on both sides, both sides being vulnerable and taking risks.
People don't act like you describe yourself and your wife without reasons.
"stepped into her own world where she can try and make herself feel safe"
This is very important. Don't think that you are going to understand this without help from a professional. Your wife may not have even begun to tell you about her life and fears even if you have been married for 30 years.
I've been through this, it was hard, it was harder still to realize in the end that for years I'd been struggling against ghosts from the past, nothing I'd actually done, and I didn't know because my wife wasn't being honest or open with me and that three counselors hadn't been able to get her to open up either. It was so hard that I almost left her because I knew in the end that something just wasn't happening, and I assumed that it was never going to happen, then she opened up, and it was like a dam bursting. A whole world opened up when that happened, the change was remarkable beyond description.
Today, she brings me flowers at work at least once a week. She talks with me like she never has before. I can't believe it some days.
Bottom line, if the person is worth it, then work on it, work hard and long, and you are never to old to do it until you are dead. You aren't much older than me.
A
male
reader, Odds +, writes (2 December 2010):
 Set the tone for your interactions before they begin. If I'm feeling angry on my way home, I stop, take a deep breath, and come up with something positive to do the moment I see her. A five-to-ten second kiss works, and so does a slap on the ass. Or I might walk in and say, in as exaggerated a manner as possible, "Dammit, woman, I need a freaking drink," and go pour a glass for her and open a beer for myself.
First thing you should do when you see your wife is something that makes you laugh or smile. It helps if she is in on the plan, too. After you've opened things up on a positive note, then you can gripe about your respective days in good humor and get over them positively.
I don't know if my solution applies to everyone. I'm really sarcastic in real life, and will make fun of just about anything, so anyone hanging out with me is only there because they already have a high tolerance for it, and understands that I mean well. But the positive frame helps things a lot.
When I don't have the chance to do that, I simply warn the people around me that I'm in a terrible mood, and apologize in advance if I lash out. When I do lash out, I apologize immediately. When someone says something nasty to me, and I've already recognized my own bad mood, I'll bite my tongue instead of spitting back the usual comeback.
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A
female
reader, QuirkLady +, writes (2 December 2010):
 I suggest that you tell her how much you love her phone calls and that they make you feel good inside. Tell her how much you love it every time she does something that makes you feel special.
Do the same for her. You've been together a long time and you know the things she likes. Do them for her, because you love her and want her to be happy.
It kind of sounds like you two take each other for granted. Maybe it would be good to get back in the mindset that you have someone important in your life and you want to make them happy. Show her, tell her, prove to her that you adore all the little things that she does and you will have a happy wife again.
As for your anger problems, have you considered therapy?
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A
female
reader, lacrymosa_652  +, writes (2 December 2010):
 I'll let someone else with more knowledge and experience help you with your actual problem, but as for your question as to why we hurt the ones we love.. well, I guess that's because we find it easier to hurt them because we know they'll always be there and won't leave us. Essentially, we take them for granted. I think we should try and picture life without them to instil a bit of fear in us, which would hopefully stop us from taking our frustration and anger out on them. I say "we" because we all do it.
Although you said you can openly communicate, maybe you need to increase the levels of communication you have with your wife, so as to avoid saying things you don't mean, or leaving things unsaid.
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