A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:This question is about situations I've been in, but it's generic enough that it applies to a lot of situations.Why is it that girls who have poor self-esteem sometimes deliberately sabotage a relationship or do things "on purpose" to make you hate or dislike them, or at worst try to deliberately make YOU break up with them?Let me explain. In the cases I've experienced this problem in, the girl in question was fine with me for quite some time. But at some point, something happens to her to make her feel inadequate. One of my exes was told by her dad (he had a serious anger problem but this one day it was REALLY bad) that she is just a worthless slut and that she will have to live "out of other guys' wallets" (we know the implications there). Another girl I dated experienced it in the form of having the whole family tell her they're "disappointed" in her and really "saddened" because she had a semester in school where she was struggling and got slightly lower grades. In both of these cases, shortly after the negative comment from family or friends, she slowly started to act distant. Even though I supported her as best I could, and reassured her that in my mind and in my eyes she is still beautiful, amazing and that things like grades don't matter to me, or that I believe in her regardless of what others may say, she would still slowly drift.A point ends up being reached where she would start to deliberately do things to me to try to "prove" that what the other person said is right. My one ex actually cheated on me, and then said "see? My dad was right." I told her I was willing to forgive and talk through it and work out what happened and work out a solution, but she said "it's not that I don't want to, I do, but I can't. Everyone thinks I'm slutty, and maybe I really am."The other girl started to pull away and spend less and less time with me, and when I call her out on it she says "my family's right, if I get lower grades (we're talking STILL higher than a 3.0 average here) then I will grow up poor and helpless, so I have to study more, sorry it's not your fault, but I don't have time." So my real question is, why is it that sometimes girls can be so easily influenced by complete bullshit, and start ignoring and even deliberately hurting her boyfriend who is trying so hard to be supportive?It seems like a slap in the face. In both of these cases, I loved the girl in question. I didn't believe anything the family or friends said. But she couldn't get past it no matter what I said, and I lost both of them when they finally did extreme things to "force" me to break up with them.In both cases I know for a fact there was no other guy involved. It was simply the negative comments from other sources that caused it. The first ex is still single today and still sleeping around. The other girl is single, lonely, and isolated, but becoming a workaholic. (It's worth pointing out that the second example is a girl I'm still hoping to be able to restore a relationship with - she hasn't cheated, she's just become distant and has been showing little attention in the relationship.)Girls, can you shed light on this for me? Why is it that some girls can't just let their boyfriends be there for them and support them, and have to let such hurtful comments destroy their lives?It saddens me very much because I have now seen two completely amazing girls get pulled away from the greatness I know they can be ON THEIR OWN.
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female
reader, MsSadie +, writes (25 July 2013):
 Guys with low self-esteem do this, too.
It's because people who don't feel too good about themselves are often stuck in a cycle of self-defeating behaviors that perpetuate their low self-esteem.
There isn't much you can do about it; they have to fix themselves. All that you can do is stop dating people with low self-esteem. Honestly, it says something about YOU and how you feel about yourself that you go for that kind of person.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 July 2013): Because if for your whole life it's been drilled into you that you're stupid/worthless/ugly/boring and you'll never amount to anything - you believe it. It affects your whole life, you go for the guy that treats you bad because you think that's all you're worth. When a nice guy comes along and treats you like a princess you push him away because either you think you don't deserve it or you can't trust him. You wonder how long before he s***s on you, what does he want from you? Your own family couldn't treat you decently so why would anyone else want to love you? You get so used to being treated badly that you expect if and when someone comes along who is kind you are out of your comfort zone you can cope.
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