A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Hi. need some someones perspective on this please. i'm left feeling very down and confused.Why is it that men run when things get serious? and this guy is 40! I been online dating for a while now as i don't get much time to myself and my friends do'nt go out that often as they are all married or cohabiting. only met 1 person. had a 6 month relationship but didn't work out. i was hutr bad. that was 9 months ago and feel ready to move on.got chatting to a lovely guy who only lived in the next town and agreed to meet.we hit it off straight away.started spending a lot of time together. he said they were all time wasters on there and he had never met anyone like me after having dates himself. i was in heaven as he was the kindest lovely man i have ever met and he was nice to everyone so this was no act.took me on weekends away, asked me to go on holiday. wanted to spend a lot of time with me and said he felt like he had known me years as we got on that well.he was affectionate in public, i met all his family abd friends. couldn't believe i had found such a nice guy. a couple of months down the line he started backing off. asked him was all ok and he said it was. i said if he tought it was going to fast, he could spend more time doing his own thing and i didn't mind. he said it was fine so left it at that.he became more distant. hadn't heard from him for a day or 2 so sent him a text asking wahat was wrong and did he want to talk. his reply was. sorry! i might have made the worst decision of my life but i cannot do the relationship thing. and that he hopes i find someone who can love me back. how can they just swithch off like a tap. that was 2 weeks ago and heard nothing. he has blocked me on the site so i cannot see when he is on. i have taken down my profile as i have had enough of being hurt. i'm an attractive person. slim. own house and car and very loving and loyal. don't get it myself.my friends say he will regret it in time as he won't meet anyone as nice as me and it's his loss. that's what i have to believe i guess. i know i won't meet anyone like him again so don't see the point. sent him a text a week ago just to say i don't hold grudges and i wasn't on the site anymore and wished him good luck and wished him a great birthday. he is 40 next week and going on a weekend away with a dozen blokes. sure he will have a great time. didn#t even get a reply. sorry it's so long but why do they do this?. thanks for reading x
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female
reader, Doctorfix  +, writes (31 August 2009):
First of all...be glad...VERY GLAD that it ended when it did. Otherwise you would have been an emotional basket case in the end. The reason I say this is 1. You are dealing with a Sociopath/Cyberpath.2.You are allowing this man to consume your thoughts with worry and confusion as to WHY it suddenly ended. You will save yourself from a lot of heartache and questions if you move on. You will continue to question if you don't move on WHAT HAPPENED..But guess what? No one can really fully understand the mind of a sociopath/cyberpath because it's complicated to ever reason with sick minds. When this man BLOCKED your e-mails and communication with you he was SAYING something there that gives you a clue, "Buh Bye" He's a PLAYER and I'll bet he has a long list of internet DRAMA. So Please gift yourself some emotional clarification and check out some info about these destructive disorders. You'll be glad you did. I've been there 2. LOSE THAT LOSER!
A
female
reader, 4tune +, writes (12 August 2008):
Happens to me every time, and even though I cant say I loved anyone since I never had a chance for that to even grow it still makes one wonder.. why?
Just happened to me a few days ago with an online friend that seemed to want more, being very reluctant from all the other experiences - He was very determained to win me over, Once again soon as he got what he was claiming to want so badly, now he seems to just be gone, with no word of why, no nothing.
I tell you I dont trust anything anymore because of this, I'm so convinced that this will always just happen.
I never even saw a photo of him, never met him in person so he could not wound me that bad, It's just the fact he asked I start going to church ect, I agreed, then BAM.. He lost all intreast it seems.
What are you supossed to do?, Give them the opposite of what they want?, hell I don't get it.
I can't even go to church without getting rejected for it.
And when its all been damaged and the Trust is gone.. suddenly I'm wanted back, but only when I feel nothing anymore but untrust of the person.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 July 2008): Could it be (since he hit the big 40) he's going through a crisis? Not that that justifies his behavior, it doesn't. He's obviously got some psychological issues, either high anxiety, or bi-polar. He may not even be aware he has this, nor have been diagnosed. I say this because the situation with my ex-boyfriend was similar. It lasted a year and a half. In the beginning, no stress, fun, vacations, notes like how glad he was we met, I was the woman in his life, etc. As time passed we still got along great, but he withdrew more and more. However, he told me from the beginning how he was and what to expect. He said I should have no expectations, that he disappears from time to time, that he is terrible in relationships, only knows pain from his childhood, and will never be there and I should get rid of him. However, he acted differently, saw me every day, we had great times, but he was possessive. We both agree we had a great time. He was also married four times and always walked out. This was when he was a alcohol/drug abuser. (He has been clean for ten years and never wants to go back). I always thought he was bi-polar because he would change from minute to minute. He'd suddenly want to leave and be alone. Like we'd make plans and a hour later he never wanted to see me again. I wouldn't know why. Then we would make up. He would tell me he couldn't live without me. He would keep telling me things would get worse and they did, since the issues would happen every other week. I would always be in tears or elated. What I recognized was that his behavior was abusive (his always threatening to leave, his saying I told you how I was, etc.). I also recognized that it was high-anxiety that triggered off everything. Any incident that would trigger his anxiety, like someone making a mistake, or giving him a wrong food order, would want to make him throw something out. He threw out good computers, clothes, etc. if they wouldn't work. And he got rid of relationships whether they worked or not. All because they created or had potential to create anxiety. He has serious psychological issues and has no intention of changing. We've discussed it. Your case rings bells with me and sounds like it may have a touch of the same issues.
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A
male
reader, Frank B Kermit  +, writes (22 June 2008):
 It really sounds like his own issue. Sounds like he is refusing growing up and using creative avoidance to get in his own way.
At the same time, you must consider too that when a man gets seriously involved with a woman, he is risking quite a lot legally. The laws are very against men when it comes to relationships and the end there of. For that reason, men must be extra careful, and it caused any minor doubts about the relationship to be amplified.
Now, with that being said, I also want to ask you a question. You stated that "all" men run. Is this your experience? If so, then perhaps you need to ponder what is it about these emotionally unavailable men that keeps you attracted to them. If it happens once or twice, then that is life. If it happens over and over, then there is something about their dysfunction that you are regularly attracted to. I say the same thing to men that keep dating women who are shallow and only want them for their money. If you keep dating people that have the same fault, then consider what it is about that fault that you actually find attractive...obviously there is something about them you find appealing. Repeated behavior patterns are tell tale signs.
In case you are wondering, I am a married man, and did not run. When a man knows what he wants, he goes for it...unless he is a low value male too scared to have love.
-Frank B Kermit
www.frankadviceforwomen.com
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 June 2008): hankyou for all your replies. he did suspend his profile and he is not the player type. i spoke to his sister who said she had to nag him to go on a dating site. he only came out of a 7 year relationship 6 months before meeting and it was very rocky. he is a really shy well mannered man and thats what i loved about him. i didn't go on the site after meeting him and we spent most nights together. i noticed when i went on to take remove my profile that he ha d put it back on. i questioned him about it and he didn't know what to say. it was the day after this that he ended it. don't think i was out of order asking him why he had done this but hey. some guys get addicted i think. hope he finds someone who will treat him as nice as i did and who is loyal and trustworthy. it's not easy these days. people just look for drama cause they are used to it and don't know a nice person when they all over them. Don't know what normality is. good luck to him and thankyou all for your advice. xx
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A
male
reader, Collaroy  +, writes (21 June 2008):
 Hi,
sorry mate, I cant figure this one out, I'm as confused as you. I guess some guys are just emotional retards who when they realise they are genuinely falling for someone have to back off . If he was just after sex he wouldnt have introduced you to his family ( but I bet ya that his family know what he's like you are probably one of many girls he's introduced to them like this.
All I can say is don't give up, you will meet someone else and not all us guys are idiots like this ( sorry , but if he dumped you like this he is an idiot ).
Move on, we arent all that bad.
Good luck. you sound like a catch so there will be some lucky guy out there who will make you happy.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 June 2008): I can understand that you are feeling down and confused; what this guy did is not very nice; it would make it a great deal easier for you if he would discuss matters with you and you could get closure;
but for some unkown reason it seems he is not going to give you that opportunity; I would say he is a total coward; but so be it;
lets deal with how you feel and what to do;
I totally agree with the previous posting; go back on the site; don't let him think that he got the better of you;
oh an should he try and contact you online; well block him too!
don't ever try and contact him again; yes, I know it is difficult, but just don't;
you might find that if he does not hear from you, he will make contact; please .....then be carefull
do not contact any of the friends or family that you have meet; it will get back to him and he will gloat, knowing you are still concerned etc;
start going out with other people; go out with lots of guys; stay friends; don't get into a serious relationship too soon; what I am trying to say is, the guy must compete a little; he must not be the "exclusive" one too soon; hell and I know this is tough, please believe me, but to not give in sexually either; let him "fight" for what he wants; he must really be patient enough to hang in there; let him proof himself;
what also concern me slightly about the relationship between the two of you and this guy is that you both stayed on the site, why?
I would expect if I am in a relationship with somebody, why does he need to still talk to other girls? Was he all along hoping to meet somebody else? Just using you till the next one comes along that tickles his fancy a little more.
Just keep that in mind in future; ask the guy to go off the site too; if he is not willing, well then you know.
Lift your head high, face the world; his loss your gain;
rather now then later;
You have a lot to offer; keep on dating; the right guy is out there and you will find each other.
Keep smiling!
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A
female
reader, dearkelja +, writes (21 June 2008):
 I am sorry that this has happened to you. A very similar thing happened to me. I agree with oldersister that it is his issue and you have to try and find a way to move past it, past him. That is not easy to do as I've been kind of stuck in the mud over my situation for 4 months. I also did what you did, sent a "how are you text" about a month after he sent the "don't be mad, I have an issue...text" and got no response. Looking back, I wish I hadn't spent so much time trying to figure out if he would be back, what I did wrong and believing there was something I could have done differently to change the outcome. So please, do yourself a favor and learn from my mistake.
You did nothing wrong, you could not have changed this outcome by being more beautiful, sexy, rich, blonde, thin, funny...anything. It is purely HIS issue and that is why he did not respond to your text because HE knows it is his issue and HE also knows at 40 that he can do nothing to change his issue and that by keeping you in his life he was really leading you on because he knew he would never be able to go through with it, but hey, he did try, unfortunately at your expense. But, look at it this way, you must be a pretty special lady for him to think that this time might be different, right?
Have a one day pitty party for yourself, eat chocolate, do a spa day or go out and have fun with your girlfriends. Dust yourself off and know that you have what it takes to be in a relationship and do NOT settle for someone who isn't over the moon for you. Soon you will realize that this is no loss for you. This man would not ever have been able to be completely in love with you and you deserve that.
Take care!
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