A
female
age
51-59,
*elise11
writes:Why is it near imposible to talk to your spouse about issues or problems on your mind? Why do they mistake it for an invitation to argue when you are just trying to sort out problems that are bothering you? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, celise11 +, writes (5 June 2009):
celise11 is verified as being by the original poster of the question Armymedic,
I totally accept your apology, keep writing!!!
Celise11
A
female
reader, celise11 +, writes (5 June 2009):
celise11 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionA female reader, anonymous,
You are right. Today a worker came by to pick up a check. I called my hubby to let him know. He said the check was for a certain amount, but the check was double the said amount. So, I called him back, and I tried to tell him this. He immediatley starting freaking out and said the check is on the desk. Meanwhile am saying, "but--but-but. And he hung up before I could tell him. I was concerned to give the man a check for double because later I would be yelled at for that. Do you think I should of just gave the man the check or be protective of his business and watch mistakes like this? What do you think I did? Celise11 ;0
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 June 2009): Well.. in the case that you're doing everything you should be doing in bringing up the conversation, It's just an issue with him. Some people just cannot handle being criticized or anything alike. They answer with high defense and anger. Is there anyway you can tell him what he's doing right before you start on the wrong?
For instance:
Honey.. I love how you always cool dinner for us and help around and how sweet you are to me. I really love it. I try very hard to do my part around here as well, but sometimes I feel like we're not spreading the jobs very evenly. Can we prehaps set up another system so that i don't feel so overloaded with work?
As opposed to:
Honey.. i fel like I have to do alot more around here than you do and I would really like you to pitch in more.
Involve the idea of the problem leaving both of you at fault, since marraiges are a joint effort. Suggest what you can both to do work on it: what he can do, and what you can do to help him. and then ask if he has any thigns taht he'd like to talk to you about, while you're on the subject. That way he doesn't feel cornered.
Approach him in a loving and gently way, maybe lye your hand on his as you talk, or lye on top of him in bed..
I think you get my point. And you may be doing all this, If so, then this man just really needs to work on realizing the impact that he has on other poeple.
Or maybe his self esteem is low and that's why he can't handle it? I don't know.. You know him better than I do.
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A
female
reader, celise11 +, writes (5 June 2009):
celise11 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionA reader, anonymous, I never talk to him when am angry about it. Its an ongoing issue. Everyone who knows him has the same problem. He never listens he just flies of the handle without ever knowing what you where going to say. You could hold his hands and look into his eyes and thats the end of it. I have heard his workers tell him to stop yelling and disrespting them and let them talk too.
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A
female
reader, celise11 +, writes (5 June 2009):
celise11 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionarmywife, I usually say " theres something on my mind that I liked to talk to you about". I try to do this when we are alone and he is not stressed out. I am naturally I very quite and considerate person. But what usually happens is I never get to speak and he just starts his on conversation and I never get it out.
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A
female
reader, celise11 +, writes (5 June 2009):
celise11 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionArmymedic,
The only reason why you feel I was generalizing the topic is because every women I have asked has done the same. The way I asked the question is not the way I approach it persaonally to my husband. Maybe you should keep an open mind about why I asked the question, like you said you dont know me.
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A
male
reader, ArmyMedic  +, writes (4 June 2009):
 I'm sorry I used terrible grammar there, I meant, your not you're. Please accept my humble apologies
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A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (4 June 2009):
 I'm with Army Medic.
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male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (4 June 2009):
 Some people just like a good argument. Marriage is just not the place for it. There is something about the pattern of your relationship That needs adjustment. Many people get defensive when they are confronted with a problem. They use tactics to deflect blame or rationalize their actions. One way to approach this is to remove the concept of blame and invite cooperation. You do this by approaching the conversation like this: "There is a problem and I need you to help me fix it could you . . . ."
This is much more appealing to the male mentality, (we like fixing things). You also need to remind him that you don't care about fault you just need it to be better. This even works with my employees.
FA
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 June 2009): well, maybe you've shattered his image of himself as a perfect studdly husband! Mine is the same. If I ever try to mention something he gets very upset and raises his voice etc etc. So, I say less and less as the years go by. Kind of hard to deal with even basic comments. Not the healthiest way to have a relationship, that's for sure.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 June 2009): I agree completely with Army medic.. stole the words out of my mouth. Firstly, it's not impossible.. it's quite possible so you should narrow your quesitoning down to your relationship only, and secondly, it's most likely the way you go about the discussion and bring up the problems.
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A
male
reader, ArmyMedic +, writes (3 June 2009):
Because you're way of saying things on your mind seems to cause friction... I am annoyed that you are implying that this is the case in all relationships and I don't even know you!
Try not tarring everyone with the same brush and approaching your thoughts in a less provocative way.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 June 2009): Well, my dad seems to do this alot about my mum (who left him) I know I said he could always come to me if he needed to talk, but everytime he does, I feel like his jst bickering, and when Im back in from being out I cant be bothered to listen to someone rattling on tbh ...
perhaps, you arent chatting, you're putting it across like youre angry?
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