A
female
age
30-35,
*en1689
writes:I'm sorry this is so long... I'm losing grip...I don't know what to do anymore. I've been here hundreds of times, but it never gets any easier and it never lessens. I'm twenty-one, and I've been dating my boyfriend (twenty-two) for a year and four months now, and we're perfect together. We're the best friends either one of us could ever ask for. We talk about our future together a lot. He mentions buying a house together, getting married, and having kids. His parents love me, and my parents love him. We do nearly everything together: from drinking to just cuddling on the couch and having a lazy day. He took my virginity a little over a year ago, and he's the only one I want to sleep with for the rest of my life. He makes me laugh constantly, and I always do my best to make sure that he's happy. All-in-all, we're soulmates.However, for the last seven to eight months, I've been plagued by one thing: his ex. I don't know what it is about her, but I just cannot let the thought of her go. Let me give a background: When we first met, I knew nothing of this girl other than maybe one thing that a friend of mine had said in passing. For a few months before we started dating, we were just friends, but my boyfriend definitely wanted to be more than that. He asked me out many times, and tried so many ways to get me to see the glimmer in him, but given my circumstance at the time, I was not ready to date anyone, especially seriously. So he sat by patiently and waited for me, until I finally got my head out of my ass long enough to see what I had going for me, and decided to give us a chance.Now, as everyone knows, one of the ways in getting to know someone in a new relationship is to discuss past relationships as a way to convey what you expect from one another. You put out everything that you've disliked in the past, and what you won't settle for in the future. We did this. It was fine at first. He gave me the gist of his last relationship, and I did the same. It didn't bother me then. I realized that everyone has a past, and she was part of his.As time went by, I began to learn more and more about their relationship. He would bring her up in the most random of situations, and it would just make me think: "Why is she always on his mind?"I began to get curious. I would ask him questions about her, and the answers would always make my skin crawl. Apparently their relationship was a very messed up one. They dated for about two years, on-and-off. He said that the longest span he ever dated her for was probably two months just because she was so crazy. She was hooked on drinking, drugs, and was just a drama queen in every way.She was fourteen or fifteen when they began dating (a freshman) and he was about seventeen (a senior). They fought constantly (at least once a day, screaming matches), and they broke up at least one to two times per month. She cheated on him twice that he knew of (once with a girl, and once with one of his old best friends). She dropped out of school after ninth grade, when my boyfriend tried to make her get a job to support herself. He got her to stop drinking and doing drugs, but she was sucked back into it numerous times while they were together. Every time he tried to break up with her, she would throw a fit and threaten suicide. She belittled him, humiliated him, manipulated him, and threatened his emotional and mental health. She made him give up music (which is one of his biggest passions) and would throw temper tantrums if he didn't pay her enough attention. When they had sex (which makes me sick to think about), he said that she was very selfish and demanding.He finally broke up with her for good on Mother's Day 2008. On that day, he went to her house and finalized it. She grabbed a kitchen knife and sliced her wrist open in front of him out of desperation. He called 911, but then walked home and didn't speak to her again. She began sleeping with and dating another guy within not even a month. She continued to contact my boyfriend over the next few months, but he changed his number and tried every way possible to make her stop calling him. She became pregnant a couple months after that at age seventeen. She seemed to be getting on fine with her "fiance" and son, but then out of no where, she messaged my boyfriend on MySpace and said only three words: "I hate you". He didn't respond, and he deleted the message right away after telling me about it, and then blocked her.I can literally play their entire relationship from beginning to end with all of the information I know. I know her birthday, where she works, and what her current address is. I've found a way into her MySpace account where I can view all of her photos and status updates. I can also view her Facebook photos and read all of the current information on her. I found a Yelp account that was made by her only a week or so before my boyfriend broke up with her in May, 2008. Under her stats, she still has my boyfriend's name listed under her Current Crush. She made a Kaboodle account that listed gifts for her nineteenth birthday, and listed were albums of artists that my boyfriend has been obsessed with since he was fifteen. It made my skin crawl to know that she still listened to it.I've spoken to my boyfriend about this many times. We've fought about it and simply discussed it. He's given me every reassurance I need to feel better and more secure about it, but I don't. He said that he never meant to sound like he was comparing me to her, because there's just simply no comparison. He said that he never meant to bring "her" up so much, but that he was just letting me know that, up until he met me, that was all he had ever known in a relationship.It kills me to think about them fighting and screaming and then turning around and being okay for a minute and having sex. It kills me to know that, even a relationship with so much hatred still contained so much passion, which is something that love itself just doesn't seem to capture. She's pretty, and she holds a lot of the same characteristics that I do: Blue eyes, dark hair, similar smile; and although she's gained a bunch of weight due to being pregnant, it doesn't make me feel any less insecure. How could he have stayed with someone like that for so long? What did she have that kept him going back to her? He's told me that he never loved her, and if he was honest, that he never even liked her, but that it was all he had ever known. His mom and his sister were big drama queens while he was growing up. His mother drank a lot, and his sister was big into drugs and alcohol. He even said that his ex went to AA meetings with his sister...I'm going insane. I've been going to therapy for months now, but it hasn't eased the pain. I'm on antidepressants and have been for about a month, but the obsessive thoughts haven't lessened. With every word that my boyfriend says to me, I hear her name and see her face. Last night we went out for drinks and it was mentioned that one of our friends, who's twenty-two, is dating a seventeen year old girl. My boyfriend say that he's still not safe to date her and is barely missing the mark. He said that he knows those rules backwards and forwards. We asked him why he would know that, and he said, "Well, as you know I've dealt with this first-hand". It turned my stomach and made me feel sick. My mood is now destroyed, and I can't get those words out of my head. Every word that he's ever mentioned about her can be replayed in my head, over and over, like a CD in my mind.I don't know what to do now. I love him more than life itself, but I'm losing my mind. Sometimes, when I picture myself, I don't picture my face, I picture hers. I try to look like her sometimes, thinking that that is how it should be. I don't know how I got here. Please, please, if anyone's ever experienced this and gotten past it, please help me. I'm desperate...
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female
reader, Jen1689 +, writes (5 May 2010):
Jen1689 is verified as being by the original poster of the question Thank you for all of your replies to my post (especially the last comment). I've dwelled on this issue for months now. I've talked to countless people about my feelings, but no one seemed to get it, especially my boyfriend. So, today I decided to call his mother. She admitted to me that she knew where I was coming from, and she told me that he was at no point happy with her. She said that this girl was manipulative from day one with his feelings, and that he stayed with her out of fear (only at the time he thought it was love). She said that this girl, when she saw her, reminded her of herself, and she could see why he would cling to that as a form of familiarity and comfort, even if it was downright Hell.She was the first one (besides maybe my therapist) who really seemed to understand "why" I was feeling insecure. Everyone else criticized my feelings for being the way I was when I thought about this situation. Everyone said I was stupid and wrong and irrational to feel this way. But the fact is: I'm not. I'm not wrong. I'm not irrational. I'm not stupid. I'm just insecure, and I'm trying like Hell to confirm my insecurities. I'm human, and our basic instinct is to confirm what we feel we know to be true, which is what I'm doing to myself. I feel that I'm not worthy, and that I don't deserve love. By obsessing over her, I'm trying to find something concrete to base this abstract idea on. I'm trying to turn emotions into a tangible and verifiable thing. It's just something I've always known. His past cannot be confirmed for me. It cannot be proven to me in anything but my mind, and for some reason, it's not enough. I've always needed control in my life, and I usually don't stop until I've got it. I just don't know where I'm going to go from here...
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 May 2010): Hello there, I want to help you. I have been EXACTLY where you are and have come out the other side, somewhat unscathed. I am not completely over it but I am a lot better than how I was last year. People here have given you a lot of good advice, but I doubt any of it will help you. Logically, you know that she is no longer a threat. You also know that on paper you are a better human being that her, that you are better suited to your boyfriend and that he loves you more than he ever did her. But I know from past experience that none of this will help. Logic is not what drives your thoughts, its actually irrational emotions. When I was at my lowest, I wasCONSTANTLY unhappy. Every waking thought was of my partners ex, small things would set off threads in my mind. For example, if I saw a flat screen TV, I would feel sick because my partner bought one for her. Then my mind would conjure up images of them sitting together and watching tv on the couch, then I would think about how they would have gone upstairs and made love. By the point, i would be shaking and feeling very ill. ITs not at all a nice feeling by any means. Of course this would come out in moody behaviour towards my partner. I would be angry at him for doing all these things with her. I was angry at him for making love to her, for going on holiday with her and for putting up with her for two years. I have asked him these questions a million times and he claims that he did not love her and like your boyfriend its all he knew. This helped me a little bit. You have to believe your bf when he tells you that it was all he knew. My partner did not know he could do any better or that there were better people out there. HE was just exposed to crazy women from his small home town. I had therapy just like you and found it to be helpful. I learnt that his relationship as her was difficult and complicated and nothing at all to do with me. You need to accept that too. Their relationship does not concern you. You have nothing to do with that chapter in his life. You have to learn to NOT CARE about that period where he was with her. He was a different person back then, he is not the guy you know now. The guy you know now will NEVER have anything to do with his ex, he would never put up with her and he would not keep going back to her. The man you are with now loves you and no one else. You have to tell yourself this and find evidence to back it up- for instance, he makes love TO YOU, he takes YOU out on dates, he is there for YOU when you need help. YOu are the centre of his life and not her. You also need to accept the fact that sometimes people get stuck in a rut and do things that they wouldn't normally do. It sounds like she was very manipulative and used emotional blackmail to keep him. That must have been very stressful for him, to see his gf threaten suicide in order to stay with him. He would have been compelled to stay in order to not have her death on his hands in case she went through with her threat. Also, when you are in such an emotional unhealthy period you cannot think logically, couple that with not knowing any better AND that he was very young at the time, its no wonder that he stayed. He did not have the emotional capacity to deal with what was going on, he didn't have the knowledge to see what she was doing was wrong (his points of reference were his mum and sister) and he didn't have the foresight to think about how this might affect things later in the future. You also need to deal with the fact that when he was with her, he didn't see you in his future. We are not oracles and as such cannot predict the future. He did not see such a wonderful, amazing girl walking into his life. If he had known he would have left sooner and not spent all that time and energy on his ex. But he couldn't have known this and you cannot hurt him for something he did BEFORE he knew you. You cannot punish him for having a past which is EXACTLY what you are doing right now! I almost came to HATE my partner for being with his ex, before I realised. Hang on, I too had a bf before him. In fact, my partner disliked his ex, but I loved my ex from the bottom of my heart. Why was I so angry at my partner for his past when I too had one? Finally, think about this. I would imagine that your bf loves you because of your qualities. if you two are anything like me and my bf, then I think he loves you because you (used to be) fun, easy going, not bat shit crazy like her. I bet he could just sit down and talk to you, without having constant fights about things, that he could just chill out and be himself and not always be on the guard about how you will attack him next which I would imagine is exactly what she did. I bet he loves YOU for your unique and lovely ways. By acting like you are, you are no longer the girl he fell in love with. You are no longer the carefree pretty girl that he came to fall for, you are now constantly obsessed and talking about his ex, constantly reminding him about his past and punishing him for making a mistake. As you are well aware, this is all very self destructive behaviour. The only person bringing her up is YOU. Your bf is over her, they have no contact and I doubt that she is thinking about him. You are forcefully dragging his ex, into your relationship and worse into YOUR life. I broke up with my partner briefly, as I thought that if I got rid of him I would get rid of her. I didn't. IF you are your bf were to split up, you would drag her with you. This is because she is your problem, your ghost and only you can exorcise her. The only way you can do this is to make a conscious effort to stop thinking about her. Pick a day in the diary in the next week and just STOP. Take twenty minuates a day to obsess over her but then NO MORE. You are only allowed to think about his ex in that twenty minute window and after that if she pops into your head, you banish her with another thought. I am a student, so each time I thought about my bf's ex, I would substitute her thought for some uni work that i needed to remember, such as an equation or a fact. Next, find yourself again. Who are you? what kind of person were you before you learnt of this girl? What did you like? What did you not like? How did you wear your hair? Start doing all that again. Then turn to your bf. He will tell you how much he loves you, and what you mean to him. Believe him. Look at how he smiles at you and the cute things he says to you and think about how he couldn't do all this with her because they were always fighting or that he did not love her. Go out and make more memories with him. Make love in some exciting places, go away together or just start a new date night tradition where you do something that is special to the two of you. You are lucky in that your bf is young. Mine is almost 40 so he has done all the special things with her and also with his other gf's. this is something that saddens me sometimes but I have to accept it and take comfort from the fact that if we do something together that he has done before then it becomes special because he is doing it with someone he loves. I hope this helps you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 May 2010): Personally, I would be sucp. if my boyfriend talked about his ex on a continious basis. I guess after having to deal with the heartbreak of my ex leaving me to go back to his ex, I am very weary of individuals who talk about their ex non-stop or at random times. Believe it or not, men are attracted to "bad girls" just like women are attracted to the bad boys. They run after these types of women b/c of the high profile drama they bring on a daily or weekly basis, they blow hot and cold, they keep these men on their toes. It will not benefit your boyfriend to continue a relationship with you, if in his heart, he still has feelings for his ex. It's shameful that you are in antidepress. and have to attend therapy over this issue with your boyfriend...my God..I can only imagine if he were to leave you or break up with you, how you would react to this situation. In addition, I am not against therapy, I needed it when I was trying to get over my ex who broke my heart and trust unlike any other man.
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A
female
reader, cnith +, writes (2 May 2010):
 Hmmm... what is it that makes you so insecure?
Does it help to know that people go back to what they know? I was in an abusive situation for years. Why? I had an abusive childhood. I HATED my ex husband. Hated him like anything but I stayed with him for my child. I sold my soul to him for her. I had sex with him so he'd see her. None of it worked. And when I finally broke it off, it took me a good 6 YEARS to get over him. I missed him terribly and cried about it. I wanted to go back to him. I was an idiot.
Why? Because he was everything my 'parents' were. He was a mix of the two people who were supposed to love and protect me. Instead, they hurt me. That's what he did, so that's what I clung to...
LISTEN to your bf. It's ALL HE KNEW. His sisters and probably mom were drama queens and maybe into other stuff that the ex gf was like. He didn't think it was anything different than home so he didn't get 'shocked' by it.
Why are you making him pay for that mistake? He said he hated her...more or less. He didn't love her. He went back to her because he didn't know any better back then.
He now knows better. Try to give him the benefit of the doubt. He likes you BECAUSE you're different than her. He LOVES you, yes?
Don't kill yourself over a memory. Leave it in the past. Therapy and drugs won't help you unless you decide to let it go. Now ask yourself, WHY are you hanging on to it? What's it doing for you? Where in your life did you learn it was OK to torture yourself? Back to the question. WHAT is it doing for you stay like this. No, dont answer that so fast. Take some time. There's a reason and it's not a negative one, per se'. It's not an "I don't know." either, you DO know, but you have to search for it.
I'm guessing this torture keeps you from accepting something...or from opening up completely to him...or for keeping him at a distance for some reason. She's the 'excuse' you use. But more important is WHY?
Write it down. Start writing. This helped me. Just write whatever comes to mind. Coherent or not doesn't matter. Just write. I don't care if it's stupid babbles or doodles. Just write what comes to mind. Eventually, your mind will settle and you'll get it out. Trust me.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 May 2010): I think you need to take a deep breath and actually think about what you're thinking about. Your viewing this in the POV of the superbly jealous girlfriend and if you keep this up, your boyfriend will soon get sick of it and leave you, too. I'm not trying to scare you but sometimes, that's just the way it works.
Now, I understand that sometimes a boyfriend's past can lead to trouble and sometimes cheating (I've been there) but I honestly don't think you have anything to worry about when it comes to his ex. If you haven't noticed his constant efforts the last year and four months to convince you she's old news, then you might have some issues that have nothing to do with his past.
You need to assess the situation and come to some sort of conclusion before you really lose your head. You don't want to be his next ex-girlfriend, do you?
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A
male
reader, Euphoricpoison +, writes (2 May 2010):
damn you sound like your going crazy, I talk a lot about ex's too, it was a part of your life, a lot of people talk just because its a part of their past. You need to relax, and love your man up!!! Hes yours now, have fun while it last. Dont start acting crazy b/c it sounds like he hadenough of that shit. Not being rude, just saying, you need to get over it, and the pills prob dont help. You're mind can be a prison or a hell, depending on your perception on things.
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