A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Hi auntsI've been in a relationship with a fella for 2 years and have at times thought he was lying to me.I always chose to believe him because he sounded so convincing and sincere when I have suspected him of lying and spoke to him about it. There have however been niggles but even so I still wanted to believe him.You do don't you when you love someone?He's often looked at other women when we've been out and always says he is looking at something else or he's off in a daydream. Now I have access to his fb over the past month, I knew his email and without realising he told me his password. Saturday evening he messaged a work colleagues gf who he knew and had also worked briefly with them both. . There was nothing inappropriate with the message at all. Next minute during messaging me he says he says this work colleague messaged him as if it was out of the blue which I thought strange because he'd messaged her. During later messages on his break I said why had she left knowing full well why because she had told him in the messages she had been fired due to taking time off in her first week there. He said the managers had told him and no mention that he'd messaged her.The next day I saw him and even said I thought he'd messaged her or his work colleague which was why he phoned he said no he hadn't and looked away from me. Why on earth lie? There was nothing wrong with the message. The following morning I saw he had deleted those messages leaving an old one. Why? On Monday I said to him I felt something wasn't right because he'd looked away when I asked him if he'd messaged her or him. He sat and looked me in the eye and said I honestly haven't why would I want to? He then brought up messages to prove it! And yes there was one message only because he had deleted Saturdays ones. Why on earth would he lie about thiis? I honestly don't think he's interested in her at all so I'm really puzzled. In the messages hed said to her on a day off when he's free he will catch up with them. His work colleague always tells lies and I mean blatant ones to make himself look big and they aren't close friends anyway. He's often laughed and told me you will never guess what he's said now and tell me. His work colleague has left the company this last week saying they are rubbish to work for. This Sunday is my fellas night off (he works nights) and he's putting some furniture together for my mum as he had earlier this week with me there. He said yesterday to me I'd have to dash back home because of putting food shopping away etc. he will then go home to sleep as I'm seeing him later that evening . He will sleep first thing as he's not going to my mums till early afternoon. I suspect he's going to see his work colleague and gf after he's finished at my mums and will tell me he's gone home to sleep. Why on earth is he doing this? I've always said he needs friends I even said that last week to him as he doesn't have that many. I have a fair few who I meet up with and always tell him. No secrecy. Why all this secrecy and lies? I don't have a problem at all with him meeting up with them and wasn't bothered about him messaging her until I realised he would keep it from me. I wonder how many other lies there are that I'm not aware of. We are supposed to be moving in together in a few months but wanted to get my youngest child's exams out of the way first.I have warning bells going off so much now. Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 July 2016): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionIt may seem like a small lie but it's a lie nonetheless and they can escalate into more. I honestly haven't thought there was anything going on or likely to between them. I've met her briefly and his work colleague who like I say no longer works there. I said to him he needs more friends and have no issue with him messaging or seeing them at all. Only last week he mentioned about these kittens they have and then It came out he'd been round there.once. He hadn't told me he had and I wasn't bothered just assumed he'd forgot to mention it so it was no big deal. But Saturday evening I was puzzled because he made out this collegue had rung him out of the blue and no he hadn't because he'd messaged her so of course he'd phone. Months ago she had messaged my fella because her bf did the same shift and hadn't gone home when they had been then given the night off. He had told me as he was messaging me at the time and said he was getting annoyed at her asking him when clearly he doesn't know where her bf was and wouldn't stop messaging. Again I wasn't bothered and just said I'm sure they will sort it out which they did. I see my friends which I tell him and he always asks what we chatted aboutSomething I wouldn't do to him because that's their time and if he wants to tell me fine otherwise I don't care. I don't need to know what he chats about to people but hiding something and then lying to my face so convincingly is Worrying. He even said yesterday to me he wouldn't message her because she doesn't stop going on. The other lies I suspected he'd told me I now know are exactly that because when he's been sincere I have wanted to believe him despite the niggle that told me something wasn't right only this time I have the proof.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 July 2016): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThey weren't about work she was sacked after a week there. He was asking how she was etc
Her fella worked there and has since left. And he makes a point of saying he doesn't lie ever well he does clearly and telling me today he's never messaged her is yet another lie.
And if I was to message another man and not tell him He'd go nuts at me.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 July 2016): His conversations with her about work were confidential, that's why
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 July 2016): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for your reply. I agree totally trust is everything.This woman is not attractive though in the slightest in fact some of her photos she's posted are really omg. In one she is sitting slouched with her belly hanging over her jogging bottoms no makeup and looking pretty horrible. That may sound mean but it's a fact. I showed my friend today her photo because she had said the same as you that something may be going on or he wanted it to and she just said yuk that's really vile and there's no way he could be doing anything. My friend said to just monitor things convinced nothing is going on but then this afternoon I was with him and we went and got a coffee after spending time together and he brought up the subject that he'd never message another woman and mentioned her name saying he'd never message Jess ever and that also he was only on her fb because he didn't know her fella was at the time. Another lie because he'd added him weeks before her. I felt sick and feel I'm back to back to square one.. I'm waiting to see if he goes round to theirs possibly this Sunday and lies about it. But having him looking me in the eye saying the only females he ever messages are me and his daughter is just beyond ridiculous now.I have screen shot all of it and something made me do that before he deleted the recent messages. So I have proof and he can't wriggle out of it when he's confronted with it all
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 July 2016): I always say that if you have to hide a conversation or meeting with someone from your partner, then there is something to feel guilty about. There is a clever quote that I can't quite recall, but if he is hiding something, then why? I would say something is going on. If not, then he wouldn't have deleted their previous exchanges.What exactly he IS hiding, is another matter. Putting it bluntly, he isn't arranging a nice birthday surprise for you with her, is he? Or getting advice from another woman on what gifts to buy, something along those lines. It looks to me, that if he hasn't already cheated, then he is planning to or at least hoping to. It is possible that she, however, thinks it is just a friendship.I have been through this, my ex partner deleting his history. In fact I was going to post about it. He was hiding FB accounts, fake ones. And then lied about it. But I caught him. Trust is just gone and I ended it.If I were in your shoes and I had been lied to like this, then for me, the trust would already be gone and I would end it. Depends on the state of your relationship generally I guess. And depends on whether you personally need more "evidence" to end it and how you feel about him generally.For me, a man that covers up conversations with other women and clears his history and call log etc. all the time is hiding something. Whether you can remain in a relationship with secrets and no trust is up to you though. But I know what I would do, no messing about now I am older and wiser. Without trust, you have nothing.
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