A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi everyone, I'm sorry for the long post but I could really use some advice. My boyfriend of 3 years broke up with me recently but we still act like we are a couple. I want to still be with him and I've told him that. But he has said that while he still cares for me and needs me in his life, he doesn't want me as a girlfriend. He said that he isn't sure if we can work so he doesn't want to be in the effort.I know that pretending to be together isn't healthy and it isn't helping me on but part of me hopes that if we still hang out and see one another then maybe I can convince him to try again. That's the emotional part of me talking. The logical part is telling me that I deserve someone who really wants to be with me and not just pretend.But I can't figure out why he is spending so much time with me if he doesn't want me. What should I do?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 December 2015): When you broke up, was there any period of time that you didn't see each other?
My partner and I recently broke up, and had about a month of virtually no contact, and we decided to try again and it's going well for now.
I think that might be good for you now. Space away from the relationship to find yourself again, and work out what you want.
He can't say he needs you in his life, and then say he doesn't want you as a girlfriend, that's totally unfair on you. Maybe a few weeks of no contact will make you both realise what you want? But at the moment, the time you are spending with him is a waste.
A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (18 December 2015):
 IF you and he are still being intimate... then "the answer" is clear. He won't part from you as long as you are sexually available to him.... REGARDLESS if he is seeing other women......
IF you and he are NOT sharing intimacy... then he is a peculiar guy... but, at least, he's marginally honest.
Your call..
Merry Christmas, and good luck...
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (18 December 2015):
 YOU can't MAKE him want to be with you again and by sticking around you are ONLY hurting yourself.
YOU can't change his mind or him.
I think you have BETTER chance of getting him to change his tune if you totally cut him off (show him what he is missing) and if that doesn't work, well at least he is out of your life, giving you a change to get over him and heal.
You ask why he is sticking around if he doesn't want you as his GF? Because he still want the intimacy, familiarity, someone to fuss over him, to care about him, to talk to, to make him feel less alone. For the time being you might even be trying HARDER than ever to please him because you think it will change his mind - which means he gets this "bend over backwards" woman in his life catering to his every need and whim... And he will CONTINUE to use you in such a way till he finds someone else.
The biggest thing though is NOT what he is thinking, it's you. WHY do you think that YOU are willing to "let" him still use you?
What he is saying is, that you are GOOD enough to hang around with (for now), but he sees no future with you - you aren't "good enough" to be his GF. Do you really want to throw yourself at a guy who with his actions is telling you that?
YOU deserve BETTER! Far BETTER! (and YES! you are good enough, he isn't)
LISTEN to your logic, girl.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (18 December 2015):
 If by " we still act as a couple " you mean you are still sexually intimate, then isn't it rather self explanatory why he stays ?
He gets his sexual needs taken care of, while he waits for someone more exciting or more compatible or more whatever-he-is-looking-for, to show up.
Alt , I know what you are going to say : " But it's not just sex !, at times he also stays over at night, or has dinner with me, etc. "
Look, it's not like he hates you and can't stand your sight just because you broke up, right ? He stayed 3 years with you, there must be many tracts of your personality he liked , and still likes, or at least he can live with . It's not such a big effort for him to give himself a cozy comy GF experience... while he waits for the next bet offer.
Some people just do not like to work without a net. He does not want you as his official Gf, but youìll do excellent as a stopgap.
I don't understand people who say " we do all the things BF and GF do, just without the "title "...
Titles are important ! Without the title of dentist, you do not pull teeth. Without the title of priest, you don't say Mass. So why would you have to do the things that an official GF does, if you don't have the title anymore ?....
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