A
female
age
36-40,
*olo2425
writes:So I will try to be brief... This guy I have been seeing for a couple months is moving to another city about three hours away. He has been stressing and trying to discuss what to do about seeing each other for awhile since he told me about this, and I had privately decided to apply to college in the same city as where he's moving, get my own place to live, and move also. At one point a couple weeks ago, I discussed this plan with him and he was happy to hear it...I have felt pretty good in the relationship with him and our interaction.As a couple weeks went by, I started looking around for RVs (which is where I was planning on living for the first semester in college) and we had decided to become exclusive... Shortly after we took a weekend trip and he suggested I nix the RV idea to move in with him. Automatically I felt like it was too soon for that and was unsure, but kept that to myself. I had a short discussion with him about the logistics and still didn't mention being uncomfortable. There was not much time between the mentioning I move in and our trip to see rentals, about two or three days inbetween.We went on a two day trip to look at rentals, his work, and my college. We ended up being too late for me to make my college appointment, then looked around at his work, and then rentals the rest of the day, ending up in one that I filled out paperwork for (with him) but was unsure I liked. It was also clear where my school was or what I was doing with that wasn't much of a priority on the trip and it made me feel frustrated, like this move was mostly about him. As the evening progressed, I expressed that I was uncomfortable and not sure it was what I wanted to do...and the fact I was uncomfortable with not knowing what's going on with school, etc.After that, the rest of the evening was drama and upset, him being moody and upset for some reason that I wasn't comfortable or jumping for joy...I was calm and honest with him, but he just kept insisting he had to find a place to live and his work was priority, I was giving him a weird feeling about moving in together, etc...Basically shutting off emotionally towards me, claiming his work was getting in the way, he didn't need complications, he was sorry he was being selfish, etc. We had been having a couple drinks to celebrate, but he was acting like it was a huge drama event. He cried when we were in bed together that night, and said he wouldn't tell me why when I asked...Then in the morning I woke up to him hugging me, tenderly kissing me, and then he said he wanted to have sex but he wasn't sure because he thought things had changed...I asked what he meant and he wouldn't tell me.Today we got back after a very awkward car ride, during which he eventually evened out a bit. Later I sent him a message that said I needed a few days to think about stuff, no contact, but not leaving the relationship. He sent one back saying he needed the same and wasn't sure what to to...but he wanted to continue seeing me.He apologized for asking me to move in and said it was 'childish' and 'stupid.'Any ideas why he is so upset I wouldn't move in? He acted like it was the end of the relationship because we disagreed and couldn't seem to handle the fact that I had differing feelings on the situation...I never said I didn't want to see him or not move, I just don't want to not have our own places...
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (23 April 2012):
 Sorry for the delay in responding. I wanted to say that I think he's operating with a fantasy of how the relationship should go, and that you failed to play your 'role' in his imaginary love story.
The fact he's pressuring you to move in after only a few months is a red flag. His ignoring your very real concerns about college is another red flag.
Tell him very clearly that he should make his own housing arrangements and that you will make yours. It's unreasonable at this stage in your relationship to force a cohabitation before you two know each other better.
I don't like that he's ignoring your college plans. It sounds like he's very emotionally immature and wants to live a fairy tale. When you didn't swoon and completely comply with his plans, he threw a childish tantrum and is behaving like a child. I would take two BIG steps back and in fact, if I were you, I would pick the BEST college for myself, regardless of where he has chosen to live. You two are not yet life partners and making decisions that may hurt your future career choices based on a few months of dating is not a good idea.
Good luck to you.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 April 2012): It is far too soon to move in together,your right. His job IS important too so he's right. You have told him you will go to College nearby and move closer so he knows you were looking to invest in the future relationship.
However you failed to get to the College for an appointment so his needs took priority over yours and you let them,you could have gone alone.
Perhaps he thinks you wont move at all now and so panicked when you told him you would not co-habit with him.
He is also sounding very clingy and intense after only 2 months in the relationship, which to me is a bad sign,I think the break is what you both need to get this situation into perspective
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