Why is he not responding, and how do I get my "stuff" back?

Tagged as: Age differences, Breaking up

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Question - (5 September 2012)

5 Answers - (Newest, 6 September 2012)

A female age 41-50, anonymous writes:

I need some advice following my decision to move on after a breakup with someone who seems to be “emotionally unavailable.” My question appears at the end of this post. Here’s the background:

I dated a man for 6 months. There is a big age difference: I'm 38, and he's 60. We got close--I thought. He said we were “made for each other” and he didn’t believe in fate but would like to where I was concerned. He said he never knew sex could be as special as it was with me. He sent daily text messages. He wanted to be exclusive and suggested we spend weekends together. We went to France for a week in May, and I had dinner with him and his parents and 3 grown children several times.

His background: he was married for 19 years; she cheated on him (for whatever reason); he has been divorced for 15 years; and hasn't had a "real relationship" in that time, according to him AND my girl friends who have known him longer than I.

He started growing distant over a month ago, and we haven't seen each other in that time or talked for three weeks. Late one night, 2 weeks ago, he sent me a confusing e-mail explaining his distancing, saying he had "complicated" feelings about our relationship: he felt guilty as it was apparent to him I was putting more emotion and passion into it than he. He said it was nothing I had done/not done, and he couldn't go to the drawing board and come up with a more ideal woman. But he felt something was "missing" and didn't know if it was the fact he hadn't had a real relationship for the past 15 years, had gotten set in his ways, or emotional barriers he put up after his divorce. (He has said more than once he is "wary of relationships." He has said he usually seeks out "inappropriate" women--until me.) He said it was confusing and mentioned he might even need his "head examined" because I was so "perfect." The middle of the day the next day, when I hadn't responded, he sent another message saying he thought I looked beautiful the night before at a musical event we attended separately. (Mixed messages, huh?)

I sent him an e-mail a few days later, asking, "Where do we go from here?" He responded the next day: “Don’t know right now.”

A couple of days later, I sent him an e-mail, saying I took his initial message as a breakup letter; it was a pity it had to end that way; and I would think good thoughts about him. I said I would get my personal items at his house at some point. (See below for my questions pertaining to this matter.)

I wanted to let him know that I wasn’t going to be strung along forever. He didn’t respond that e-mail, but he would still occasionally forward an e-mail to me or respond to a FB post, although I stopped interacting, deciding no contact was best. Now his forwards and FB posts and "likes" are less frequent--except a few nights ago he sent me a message to say that the mother of one of our friends died. Apparently, he sent the message to a few other friends, too. I thanked him for letting me know. So we have had minimal contact.

Some people said move on, while others said try to talk to him and reassure him and see if he’s willing to work on it. Obviously, as you can see from the e-mail I sent him (mentioned above), I am trying to move on. I went ahead and sent him a private message on Facebook about 8 p.m. Sunday night, saying, "Hey. I hope you're doing ok. I wondered when would be a good time for me to come by and get the things I left at your house." For me, this will feel like resolution.

I can see on Facebook Messenger that he read the message around 11 p.m. that night but hasn't responded. It's now Tuesday evening. I figured he would take a day or two to respond, and so I'm still waiting. I haven’t posted anything on Facebook since Saturday, but he has posted a couple of things, either sports-related or humorous.

Some of the items are toiletries that can be easily replaced. One is a souvenir t-shirt he got for me at a jazz festival on a trip to see his brother who lives across the country. The most important things are two books that pertain to some of the history of our town and are irreplaceable. We were looking at them at his house right before he started having his "issues," and he asked if I would leave them and let him look at them a little longer.

I don't know if he's just trying to avoid me because he feels negatively about me and wants to avoid conflict, or if he's having second thoughts/misses me. Why the hell is he not responding about me getting my stuff back? What do I do if he doesn't respond in a reasonable amount of time?

View related questions: a break, divorce, facebook, move on, text

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A reader, anonymous, writes (6 September 2012):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Well, he replied to my FB message tonight, and here's what he said:

"My schedule at the house has been a little irregular lately. I'll gather your stuff up and get with you in the next couple of days about a time I can drop it off, or leave it somewhere else if you wish."

Yeah, right. Based on what I've heard from friends, he's spent weekends at home of late. Sounds like he's a coward trying to act the part of a "busy man." I have a feeling that he responded when he did tonight because he saw on FB I had checked just a bit earlier in a locale in town to watch the NFL game with some friends. Apparently, he has no life.

I thought, based on our time together, that he possessed a pair of testicles, but it seems, I have a bigger and much better set than him, despite being female. What a coward. For now, I have decided to ignore him for a while, even when he decides to "get with" me again. I just won't respond until I choose it to be "convenient" for me.