A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend and I have been together for a year. He just let me know he wants to move home for the summer when he graduates which is 300 miles away and with his family who hates me. The past two times I visited we had fights about how his family treated me and only really resolved it because we put the problem to the side. We figured if he is living that far away from home its nothing to worry about. His decision to return home until graduate school begins has devestated me.He truly beleives his family was not in the wrong for them telling me they liked his ex-girlfriend and missed her, that his father spoke to me in an overly agressive tone (it was inappropriate for the situation), his sister described in graphic detail when he had sex with one of her friends before he and I were dating, his mother asked him why he hasn't dumped me already, and his sister blamed me for him deciding to come back to connecticut (where I live) when the doctor said her Kidney Infection was under control (I still don't see how this is my fault!).I sort of care his family are big jerks. I mostly care that he jumps to their defense by telling me I'm irrational, over-sensitive. Then he says mean things to me to hurt my feelings and makes me feel even more alienated when I visit. (He doesn't do this otherwise he is the best boyfriend I've ever asked for 98% of the time.)Eventhough I know a summer isn't very long, I am terrified his poor behavior when confronted with this family issue will be too much for me to handle. I've tried talking to him and it results in this NASTY behavior.Why is he doing this nasty behavior 2% of the time? Should I just end it for my own good? I love him but I am sick of being in dysfunctional relationships even if its only for small bouts. What should I do and why is he acting this way?
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 October 2007): When he's visiting his family with you (2% of the time he's with you?) he feels he ought to support his family because he doesn't want to alienate them, misguided though this may be.
Perhaps he can't see that they're not being as nice to you as they ought to be, or if he can, then he's mentally blocking it. In a way, he probably sub-consciously feels torn between them and you, and when he's near then he sides with them.
I think this is a classic case of blood being thicker than water, and if your relationship is to survive he needs to put them firmly in their place and tell them how you feel about all this nonsense and to stop it. If he can't do that, he's not likely to stand up for you in the future. If you can accept that, fine. If not, you really need to consider if there's a future for you.
Phil
A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 October 2007): I think he is the irrational one and he should be jumping to your defence.
As for continuing the relationship, how would you deal with his family if you were to marry?
To be honest,they sound as though they had made their minds up about you before they had even met you.
Perhaps you should visit again and show them you are not going anywhere. Be the nicest person in the world reguardless of what they throw at you and dont allow arguments to happen with your boyfriend, stay calm and take control of the situation. Im sure that this will show all of them exactly what by being mean, they are missing out on.
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